I have a story, just like everyone else. It’s complicated, just like everyone’s, but I’m still different. I won’t explain it all, I won’t tell you all the sappy shit that goes on, because what good will that do? I was always told that the past doesn’t define you, so you should grow up. Right now I don’t feel like growing up, not just yet. Right now I want to live in a moment where I am the person that I have always wanted to be and that my parents will actually be proud of me and not try to change me to their standards. […]

I haven’t posted here in two years. Sadly, nothing much has changed since then. I still want to die. But even in this moment of pure agony, I want to extend my arms out to all of you and hug you tight. You all deserve love, empathy and trust.

Not really even sure what I’m going to accomplish by posing to this website. I hate my life. It’s a pretty miserable existence being me. Not because I live in Africa where I have no food and poor hygiene. Not because I’m terminal with cancer. Not even because I was born to a horrible family that abused me. None of that. After everything that has happened to me in the past couple years especially, I can’t find a reason to keep going. I hate my god-forsaken fucking life. I hope I die soon. I hope to effect that change soon. And just so there is […]

I feel so desperate having no where else to vent to but lately I’ve been so alone. My friend and I had a shopping trip and I jokingly say we should have a sisterhood for a sweater and she says “I might be able to fit into your clothes but our other friend definitely  won’t ” and she may not realize it but that was her calling me fat. I hate when she always hints indirectly that I am the fat friend. And I’ve been on my way loosing weight. I’ve lost 15 so far and plan on another 30 but I just don’t think […]

I feel as if I don’t even have problems.

I tell myself that they aren’t real, that I make them up.

I fight with myself to stay alive daily.

I am my biggest fear.

I scare myself of what I do to myself.

Destroying myself.

It’s as if my insides are eating me up.

Just taking me down from where I don’t want to.

Sometimes I don’t win against myself and I get hurt.

It doesn’t hurt anymore but still.

I try to stay alive for the loved one’s around me but,

it hurts trying.

Trying just makes it worse.

That’s exactly what I wish I could do, honestly. I was looking online to see if there were other people paddling similar canoes as I am, and I wound up finding this place. A place where I can talk about how I feel, where other people might feel the same thing, and where I won’t be judged for it? Somewhere I can truly let everything out without people I personally know wondering what’s going on with me… I’m not entirely sure where to begin, so I apologize for the chunk of words this is going to become.

That’s something that I do a lot, actually.. apologize. […]

So last Thursday I had cut myself again and I just couldn’t stop myself. My mother is more than even disappointed in me because of my grades and all I’ve really wanted to do is make her proud. I don’t really know how to feel anymore. I get more and more sad and upset with myself each growing day. I also started writing poetry and it helps me share my feelings at least a little bit. Sometimes I honestly want my mom to see my scars so she sees just how much pain I’m in. I just want to be able to live my life […]

Dear Jackie,

You know I love you. I love you with all my heart. I’m so proud of you, and congratulations on having your baby last night. She is beautiful. I remember the fights we used to have, and coming home being scared out of my mind by you. I remember the countless times that you were thrown out of the house. Thank you for being my role model. Thank you for watching all of those gory, bloody, violent, rated R movies with my when I was six. Thank you for letting your friend come into my room to molest me wen I was little. I […]

I think, and think, and think.

Am i really worth it?

The one I love will never love me back, he loves my best friend who I now uses me, she doesn’t love him back and teases him but he stays her friend and it hurts me to see him, I cry for him, They think its best to leave me alone,but i don’t wanna be alone.

Am I truly worth it?

Im going to starve myself. I’m tired of being fat and ugly, and worthless. I just want somebody, but they don’t want me.

Am I honestly […]

I’ve had depression for about 2 years now, and i finally thought i was actually getting better, until about 3 days ago…it all started again, the constant bullying, verbal abuse off family, I’ve lost practically all my friends…I get called ‘cutter’ or ‘suicidal freak’ at school, no one can accept me for who I am…I think about it every night. I stare at the bottles of pills, the razor blades and think should I do it? I’m not scared. I’m not scared whatsoever, its just like going into a long sleep and having an amazing dream, apart from you’ll never wake up, and tonight something […]

A question. What’s your favorite quote about the meaning of life, suicide or death..?

Here is mine.

“No reason to stay. Is a good reason to go”.

I wasn’t planning on posting here for another couple of days, but recent circumstances have altered my plans. June 27, 2010 is the day that one of my best friends took his own life. I write a memorial post here each year on that day as a way for me to remember him by. Last night another one of my friends committed suicide. It’s been numbing, as I’ve realized how little it affects me. Not because I don’t care, as this is a person that I had a great deal of respect for, and someone that I genuinely enjoyed being around. I know he had […]

I was scared .. I am scared. Everyone needs saving, even I do. I need it but I don’t want it. I don’t want the cliched lecture that things will get better or the sympathetic conversation that reveals your place in our relationship that you’re there for me.  I don’t want empty words to stall my decisions or help me to even consider changing my mind. I think about it all the time. I have set myself to learn to be content with death. I think of where my soul might go .. drifting through the darkness and blackness of empty space that seems to […]

I have always struggled with anxiety and depression.

It started when I was 10, I had just started middle school.

I was Bullied. Badly.

Everyday after school I would rush out of the school and try SPRINT home so that the bullies wouldn’t catch me.

They usually did, And I usually went home physically and mentally abused.

I was depressed… but I NEVER thought about committing suicide.

It took a while but my parents finally noticed how depressed I was.

I went to counseling.

It helped, but It didn’t stop the bullies.

That February we moved cities to get me away.

My new school was much better.

I made friends, True Friends. I had my first […]

Am I the only one who thinks that when someone tells you to be strong or says some sob story about how you need to live is just a line of absolute bull? Because saying the same things someone else can say to you isn’t going to mean anything to me. I want a “I know it’s hard and I know  I don’t understand it but I’m here to listen and I know you aren’t okay, but that’s okay because sometimes were all not okay….” type of conversation not a “You can do this you are strong, get help, I need you, you’ll be fine, […]

My ex husband walked out on me because of my severe mental illness that happened 6 years into our 8 year marriage. He left me for being sick. For trying to get help. I has to leave my son for a month to try and get help. I thought I was doing good and so was our marriage for the month before he left. I wasn’t cutting and I was happy and didn’t want to die. He walked out on us.

Now I’m married again and I don’t feel my husband is attracted to me. He accepts my mental illness because he has it too. My […]

And you may ask yourself
“Where is that large automobile?”
And you may tell yourself
“This is not my beautiful house!”
And you may tell yourself
“This is not my beautiful wife!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1wg1DNHbNU
And you may ask yourself
“Am I right? Am I wrong?”
And you may tell yourself
“MY GOD! WHAT HAVE I DONE?”

Letting the days go by let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by water flowing underground
Into the blue again after the money’s gone
Once in a lifetime water flowing underground

Same as it ever was
Look where my hand was
Time isn’t holding up
Time isn’t after us..

I don’t want to kill myself yet; I just want to curl into a ball, and leave the world behind.  I need more electroconvulsive therapy;  thirty thousand more shocks won’t cure me I fear.  I still owe six thousand dollars from the last round I received.  The weight of the financial strain it placed upon me has so far lasted two years longer than fleating psychiatric relief it gave me.  I don’t know what to do.  The treatments worked when the medications didn’t,  but I can’t afford the treatments.  I don’t have very many options.

I have never known innocence.

It has been pain and loss and death

since before I could store a memory.

And now I am asked to be normal.

I am asked to pretend

that my childhood

was warm and innocent.

Innocence was ripped away

at the age of six,

surrounded by hands

and pleas and tears

and blood to be kept secret.

But begging never gets you anywhere.

Innocence was ripped away

as I laid next to my best friend

at the age of 13

whose heart had stopped beating,

while mine took

just a bit too long

to cease.

Innocence was ripped away

with the last words she heard from me,

“I forgive you, mom.”

I was 14.

Innocence has been ripped away from me

every time I walk that […]

A bell rings out.

A pitched sound that hits the eardrum

and cripples the heart.

A line of black parades the street.

The world’s colors fade away.

A black and white existence.

The vibrancy is ripped away.

And the thought that your life may never be the same

is a thought you never wanted to hit you.

But it does.

It hits you harder than anyone has ever realized.

And years have passed.

And you still cry at night

until the tears have numbed the pain in your chest

and you finally drift to sleep;

praying to whatever god there is

that you don’t wake up the next day.

Each morning

you wipe the dried tears from your face

and everyone around you

thinks you […]