I am here today coz i’m feeling lonely and sad… not reached the depths of depression yet…. but i have started falling again. what do you do when you know you can open up to someone who will help you out of the muck that you are in but you just cant call out to that person coz you dont want to be a burden or coz your friend is too busy…

i don’t know… just sit and wait for life to pass on… i know i don’t have the guts to kill myself, at least not right now… and i dont know what i should […]

Right now all I can think of is suicide.  It is drowning me little by little.  It will wear me down until I can’t take it anymore.  Then it will win me over for good.  I don’t want that day to come.  But I just can’t help looking in the mirror and seeing what a disaster I am.  I always question why I am still alive.  My head tells me, ‘Just end this; right here right now you’re not worth shit.’  But then my heart says…

Well I don’t know what my heart says anymore.  There is nothing there.  Everyday my emotions seem to fade away […]

I know, haven’t been op SP for a long time. Things doesn’t really changed. Monday I’ll have my intake for the 24/7 therapy. And I’ve been cutting the last time a lot more and deeper. I really hate this world, my life. It’s so fucked up. I really wished that I had a deadly car accideng or so. But, I hope I’ll be more on SP the next time, because it really helps me. A next post will come soon.

I’ve got a loaded gun in hand, oh how I want the courage to pull the trigger, you have no idea (maybe you do, you’re here on S/P)

We eat crap food, smoke, drink, do risky crazy stuff that is all against our Survival Instinct, but that is easy. I guess killing our self slowly is OK.

I’m going to cook some bacon, have a Pepsi, a smoke, a red bull, Doritos, Vodka and a donut. That should do it.

When you run out of distractions… money, friends, work, survival… What reason is there to live? I have 2 modes: busy and suicidal. There is nothing in between. Based on that, I can say whenever I’m not busy I’m suicidal. Or whenever I’m not engaged in some distraction that keeps me from thinking, I realize (remember) that there is no real point in being alive. I suppose life itself is the grand distraction, making us forget the reality of emptiness that awaits us all.

 i havent been on for a while, school is o.k. i have had so much homework which just adds to the oressure, but im getting through it. things have been weird lately to be perfectly honest.

have you ever been in a mood, but you’re not sure what mood?

you’re not sure if you are happy, or sad, or what.

that mood where you just want to scream then punch someone because there is no other way to express your emotion?

well thats me. thats what ive been like for about half a month now.

its infuriating.

My entire being is stained with pain.  Why does my life have to be wrought with pain and misery and eternal struggles?  I’ve lived such an abused and tormented life.  Yet bad things keep happening to me.  When will the suffering end?  It’s been decades and things have only gotten worse, not better.  I have no hope that “tomorrow will be better.”

F*ck you world.

My Heart Will Go On

Over the years I have watched so many friends come and go. I help them with anything. I have saved them from suicide, cleaned there wounds from cutting themselves, acted as support and help through the tough times. I have done so much for so many of them. I ask for nothing in return but friendship to last. That always fails. People don’t change inside but there needs and lies change everyday. I try to help and I do all the time, but honestly I never get anything out of it. I get happiness that last a few weeks […]

I wish all the assholes in the world would just drop dead.

I’ve not always concealed my emotions. But ‘Never ever would I be caught in a vulnerable state again’, that was my promise to myself, that is my promise to myself. But I find that my promise is causing an unhealthy balance of sadness and the want and need of escape.  Holding everything inside is causing random explosions of emotion and confusion as to which causes me to question everything. Even the stable facts that I already know the truth about. The world in my eyes quaking and the  voice in my head screaming/ yelling.  I distance myself. Pull my heart out from within and lose […]

Where do I begin………..

Well my mom gave birth to me when she was about 18 or 19. From what she tells me my real dad is a low life dick(excuse my language). Anyways I resently got in contact with him. Things where going great in my life. I had straight A’s, I was very popular, very pretty, guys would fight over me,…….until my 8th grade year. The 1st day back to school was OK, after that everything turned to shit. I started to realize who my true friends were, and that school was the most important thing in my life. In the middle of the […]

I think my life isn’t half bad. In fact others tell me “what do you have to be sad about?.. you have it so good”. Well,  you see I actually feel invisible. I don’t feel  like a matter or have a purpose on this earth. I am 22.. I thought when you become older you stop feeling this way because of hormones. But these past few months I haven’t felt well. So far I don’t eat very much lately, I’ve been wanting to change how I look, I’ve been drinking more than I used to. And I would commit suicide only if I wasn’t hurting […]

Every day the same as the last,

Good or bad it’s soon in the past

On occasion having fun
But when you look at the clock your day is done.
The minutes turn to hours, the hours soon days,
Your life has become nothing but a misty haze.
On your death bed you lay knowing you’re close to death.
All alone, there’s no one there to witness your final breath

I have two sisters who have attempted suicide (by overdose) multiple times.  At the moment I am lacking much feeling, but am not particularly depressed or anxious.  There isn’t much that makes life worth living, but nothing to induce me to death.  It’s a big change for me.  I’ve been depressed and anxious for many years, but I always felt like I had a purpose in life, even if I didn’t know what it was.  Right now I don’t feel that way.  I know that if I wait long enough my mental state will change.  It always does.  But then it will change again after […]

Two dozen other stupid reasons
Why we should suffer for this
Don’t bother trying to explain them
Just hold my hand while I come to a decision on it

Sooner or later your legs give way, you hit the ground
Save it for later, don’t run away and let me down
Sooner or later you’ll hit the deck you’ll get found out

Because lately my mind has been a jumble of letters and words, and all of the pictures have faded to black. The images are dark and impossible to see what they are meant to be. But each word in my mind rings out loud and clear. I write because it is easier to speak a thousand words, than to see a single picture in summary.

I get how life has its ups and downs… But it seems like history always repeats it self: someting bad happins, i cut, i progressivly get over it, something bad hapins…. it actually been going on like this since i first started cutting when i was in the sixth gradee.. (i actually discoverd it by myself, i was so hurt from the bullying and i didnt know what to do so i cut with a pare of sciccors.) im in the ninth grade now and i dont want to go into a high school cutting.. i dont know how to end all of this bull […]

I’ve been fine, I can honestly say that the days counting up to the end of the school year I have not been depressed in the slightest and have been looking forward to finding things to do, but I feel depressed again and a bit suicidal and have no direction “why am I living?” if I died there’d be ruckus for a bit but life would move on regardless of how much I would want people to miss me. Thinking like this makes me reminisce because I’m feeling very small and unimportant, I’m was always willing to change myself because I thought how I was […]

My best friend is in Ohio, and I’m stuck here in New Jersey. He’ll only be there for a week, and he’s coming home on Friday, but then I’m going to Pennsylvania for a few days with my Dad to see two bands (Skillet + Hawk Nelson). He doesn’t have internet, and I certainly won’t. He’s my lifeline, the only concrete reason I live for. Sure, I could say that I live for the breathtaking surrealness when you go to a concert, and see the band(s) that you’ve listened to at your darkest moment. Or that I live for fireworks on the 4th of July. […]