I live with a toxic father someone who can be kind when he’s in a good mood, but the moment he faces problems, he turns cold and takes it out on everyone in whatever way he chooses. My mother endures it all in silence. She pushes herself beyond her limits every day, and I can see how it’s destroying her mentally too.

As for me, I’m anti-social, working a 9-to-6 job, with no real friends or emotional support. I feel like I’m just barely surviving each day. There’s this gut-wrenching weight inside me as if I could vanish without anyone […]

I find it extremely hard to fall asleep without pills. My mind just won’t let go of consciousness. Because the universe is wrong. Everything is wrong. Nothing is ok. And something must be done.

But there’s nothing to be done. What’s done is done. Can’t un-see what’s been seen. Can’t forget how it felt. Can’t pursue the one thing that actually seems meaningful now.

So my mind keeps me awake, over a problem that can’t be solved.

In order to pursue a life that seems meaningful, you have to be a semi-decent human being. I’m not capable of reaching that low bar. Ever. I’ve infected my mind with […]

I want to thank myself for my particular strategy that seems to keep being the incentive the world seems to need to react in a certain way. Not that I’m not thankful for it. Not that I have regrets, just that the connection just occured to me and I felt the desire to share about it, because it could be simple random circumstance.

You know what I was getting ready to do, as these two interview offers followed by a very quick job offer? I was preparing to apply for jobs for the next three or four years. I was settling in for an endless pointless […]

I just want to talk about something that crossed my mind since recreating my reddit account days ago and that is, if your family members or real life friends, maybe your partners find out that you had been writing suicide letters here; how would you feel?

Because that happened to me in my past relationship and it felt strange.

Okay, so I was suicidal and having thoughts about my relationship then. I won’t divulge much since I myself don’t remember but what I do know was how freakish it felt when my ex (then-bf) replied to my suicide letter, etc on reddit. I know he […]

I’m ashamed of myself. The amount of space I take up.

I’m a selfish piece of shit. A fucking parasite that ruins everything I come across.

Answer the front door. I had just finished ham sandwiches with coleslaw and egg mayonnaise, tea two cups of, and a chocolate eclair. What I fancied now was a reefer and Dreyer’s ‘Day of Wrath’. The doorbell rang, I don’t answer doorbells for the reason one will usually encounter some sales pitch. I was expecting female company so for that reason against my own policy I opened the front door teacup in hand. There was a man and woman about mid 4O’s who both flashed these badges quite quickly ,  ” Police” the guy said. There was no car outside, they were plainclothes, seemed like […]

I’m bowled over, I didn’t think an employer was going to give in this easy, ever. I got the job, for those of you who don’t want to read my rambling on, and I don’t blame you at all if you don’t.

It’s just, wow, I wasn’t planning on giving up so easy either but I don’t see how anyone can offer me any better is the thing. Not a particularly bad commute, as they go. As good a shift as any, eight hours, weekdays. I get to play with autistic kids all day. I mean, worst bit of it is that I have to change […]

I haven’t officially completed my undergraduate degree yet. I’m in my final semester. I got the chance to start working early and took it, but I couldn’t keep up with everything. Over time, I’ve become increasingly disillusioned with people almost everyone. There are many things I genuinely enjoy, but I haven’t been able to fully pursue even one. I’m earning now, but there’s no real happiness in it. Life feels exhausting full of masks and meaningless routines.

Both my personal and work life feel completely messed up. I don’t know where to turn, what to say, or what to do. […]

How can “experts” be right when half the “experts” say 1 thing and the other half the exact opposite? Even when you have a consensus among “experts” like drs or therapists, they are often wrong. Most scientific “research” is funded by either Big Phar.ma or some other organization that has a stake in the outcome. So can we really trust any “research” that is out there?

We all “laugh” at the stupid medical shit ppl did back in the “old days,” like giving kids and babies cocaine for their toothaches or just to stop them from crying. The “coca” in coca-cola […]

As alluded to in my other post, it’s been a wild couple of days. Had to update treatment plan, first off, which should be non dramatic, but it isn’t because I’m low level suicidal and my treatment plan people want me not at all suicidal…. and that’s kinda too bad for them…. it aint happening when life is how it’s going right now. They always have to ask if I felt like committing in the last thirty days, and I did, somewhere in the last 30, I’m not super firm on dates but I’m relatively sure I thought about throwing myself off that bridge that […]

I mean, I see this as conservative fear mongering, they aren’t seeing this as the beacon of hope it clearly is for people like us who can’t die, who might need a way out, who are being tortured with endless frustration, I’m about to post a seperate thing about my latest frustrations.

If my doctor said; we can help you die, it’ll be painless, your organs will go to save lives, we’ll give your family grief counseling, I’d be ready to go. That’s what is being talked about here. I understand that it’s being offered to people who don’t want it, and that’s wrong, but to […]

Sometimes I worry that if I’m known and then people would talk badly of the things i did in my past and pass it around if that makes sense. I had always feared that I would get captured behind cameras in public, passing by an event in what I think is my true form. The form my parents doesn’t know. It can be said that I think too much of the future that hasn’t happened yet.

I notice that my own offenses get replayed by my head obsessively that I get self-conscious trying to interact in spaces where they were people that had seen my […]

Self-Help Books are Fucking Bullshit.

Either it’s all “think positive” crap or it tells us to “just think differently.”

Yeah well thinking differently doesn’t change the facts- if you are poor or sick or have no job, or a job that pays shit, “thinking different” or “thinking everything is fine” isn’t going to magically change your situation or make your problems go away.

Actual lines in this self-help book I’m reading:
“We think that wanting is the source of our satisfaction. In fact, it is the source of our dissatisfaction.”
“To want to is believe that you are lacking, inadequate.
The present moment lacks nothing. The […]

It’s been a while, I’m still alive. I guess I made it. I’m still as jobless as I was when I first started posting here, single again too. I have too much rage inside me to even care about the hurt I’ll give in the case of committing to a relationship. This is quite the hate post so I don’t care what ends up with it. Don’t comment with advices I don’t need.

I am hurt. So hurt by the opposite gender. I wish I’m not but I fucking am. I wish I could sit still and not seek validation for my hatred. It’s not […]

Been a minute since I’ve wrote. I have had other ways I’ve been dealing with my issues lately. Really grateful for them. But it’s still a good way to catalogue my thoughts at different points in my life. I’m graduating after all. Defense committee approved my thesis. Felt like it was a gimme. I’ll always feel that way about whatever I do. Can think of a million things I did wrong and a handful of things I did right. Very typical of me. All that’s left is to submit the documentation and it’s done. […]

I don’t think I’ll ever feel close to another human being again. And I didn’t realise I needed that until it was far, far too late.

Even if I’m physically intimate with someone, I’ll always be aware in the back of my mind that if they knew the truth about me, they’d be repulsed. So I don’t think I’ll ever have those feelings of connection, trust, comfort or safety. I’ll always feel somewhat on edge. Distanced, disconnected, monitoring the situation for signs of threat. I will always be alone.

It’s this void inside that I can’t fill. Of course I have addictive behaviours. I’m constantly desperately looking […]

Today had the second pest control company do a quote, and I won’t be affording pest control done by anyone but me, and I  can’t see how anyone does frankly. Well, I do, people are suckers. I’m just really low financially. I didn’t realize how low I guess.

The first company came around and quoted it out at $14,000 to get rid of our rats and squirells.

I’d like to point out I could build a small house for that, and dig a shallow well and put in a chemical toilet and basic solar. Yes, I could get off grid with that kind of money. Shoot………. who […]

I was in a bind. Perhaps it was paranoia on my part but I suspected something was amiss in my pursuit of prescriptionsl sleepers. I decided to act on that feeling cancelled where I was going and requested an appointment with a female doctor, strict as fuck, cold, the Thatcher level of iron lady ruthlessness. I had two hours to go before a showdown with the iron lady. This was a situation from hell and I often find that when a situation from hell is thrust upon one without warning one purely through no choice steps up to the challenge. This doctor was the harshest […]

In the beginning there were floppy drives, remember floppy drives? 3.5″ and 5″ floppy drives I’m old enough to remember and we all had them. Early days of memory you had to use them to load your games and save your work. Then briefly zip drives, an attempt to create denser media, they didn’t catch on but my parents were data nerds so we had them. USB drives came next, those live on to today which is a small miracle.

The next stage in optical media were CD-Roms. Ah, my middle childhood. Not as flexible either literally or metaphorically. One scratch and you’re screwed. I must […]

Death can be so sudden sometimes. Still remember a summer two years ago due to someone who was quite important in another community just suddenly kicking the bucket at a rather young age, in their 20s or so, intentionally it seemed. Now, having it pop up in my mind, I look at all the posts a second time. I couldn’t have seen it coming from those necessarily alike how, for many other events in life that aren’t death related, in terms of interactions, we also can’t really see such stuff coming at least in a way that would be “guaranteed”, there’s a lot of stuff […]