An apex of happiness exists, but that point is far beyond my grasp. Every little hunk of happiness I have ever experienced has either been broken down or snatched away from me. I can’t keep it together, its just not within my ability. This world you have constructed wasn’t meant for people like me. I fall into a niche and all that happens to us is misery. We are the people who’s company you enjoy, but also the people you take advantage of, and the very same people you scoff at simultaneously. My relationships fall apart and I finally understand why: I don’t deserve any […]
I have decided. I actually decided this a while ago. I’m going to leave on Thursday. I’m not sure what will happen. I don’t even know if I am going to die because there is this guy I’ve been talking to.  Half of me hopes he stops me, But half of me hopes he won’t care. Even if he does help, one day I will kill myself. If he does happen to help, maybe I’ll post something Friday to let you all know I’m OK(sort of). Or maybe I just won’t and I won’t ever come back here. Who knows anymore.
The problem. I am the problem
Everything wrong comes from me
Nobody cares what I see as truth
None of it matters any who
I’m just another face in the crowd
Nothing special, not renowned
Never to become anything of worth
Cursed to walk the earth in misery for eternity
So easy are the old ways
To slip back to pains and drains
So familiar to my hand that it just might slip through a vein or three
The record in my head plays over and over again about how everything’s wrong
Everything’s gone
And how the world would move along without me here
I can’t focus I can’t sleep
I can’t dream I can’t eat
I can’t stand to live […]
I am mute, i just cut, and i feel like dyeing, why? Because my mom finally broke me. All i have ever wanted is for my mother to love me and care like other moms do, but i never get her love, when she was down and sad wjo helped her? ME WHEN I WAS ONLY 5, I DIDNT EVEN KNOW WHY SHE WAS CRYING AT THAT AGE BUT I WAS THE ONE WHO HELD HER TILL SHE FELL ASLEEP, ME! I WAS THE ONE WHO CARED WHEN MY DAD WENT! AND KMOW SHE TREATS ME LIKE IM TRASH!!! WHAT DID I DO!!! IM ONLY […]
Maybe she saw the truth, but she chose to ignore it
Better to be happy than have to face the problem
And she doesn’t know who she is
Maybe she kept the pain hidden in her scars, still hides it
Better to smile than to have them ask what’s wrong
And no one knows who she is
She will scream • and break all that you stand for
With her voice • all that stood will fall before
What is real • and it’s uncomfortable
But it’s real • and unpredictable
So let her wake • you • up and •When you sleep
You’ll see […]
My depression is getting bad again and I want to die. I have severe social anxiety so i have no one to talk to. I can’t go to school because I am so depressed. I literally cannot even leave my bed. When I miss a week of school none of my classmates notice that i was ever gone. No one acknowledges my existance now, but i can almost guarentee that if i killed myself, the people at my school would act like its so tragic and “i was such a beautiful person.” i hate society, i hate people and i want to die. Today my […]
Once again I find myself feeling like I’m stuck on my own pathetic little island lost in a sea of misery.
I send out countless notes in bottles everyday, hoping to be rescued, but I doubt most of them are ever found, and the few that are don’t seem to make sense, maybe I’m losing my wits.
The thin straight scars on my left wrist are like an S.O.S. sign made with rocks on the beach, too small and insignificant to be seen.
I’d make a signal fire, but this island is too cold and damp with despair for any sort of hope to ignite.
Oh well, looks like […]
You left me with the peices.
You left it all to me.
I had to fix my own heart.
While drowning in misery.
You left me broke and scarred.
I burned you left me charred.
You never really cared.
I guess what i thought was special,
was never really there.
(c) too young to feel this way, that’s what our families say. too blind to make it last, should listened, shoulda obeyed, maybe if we did, you woulda stayed.
Too young for a first kiss, too young to feel like this. that’s what all our friends say, shoulda listened shoulda obeyed, maybe if we did, there would […]
You left me with the peices.
You left it all to me.
I had to fix my own heart.
While drowning in misery.
You left me broke and scarred.
I burned you left me charred.
You never really cared.
I guess what i thought was special,
was never really there.
(c) too young to feel this way, that’s what our families say. too blind to make it last, should listened, shoulda obeyed, maybe if we did, you woulda stayed.
Too young for a first kiss, too young to feel like this. that’s what all our friends say, shoulda listened shoulda obeyed, maybe if we did, there would […]
Why do all the bad things feel so right? The blood..it’s pretty..so why is it bad? I thought all pretty things were good..but I guess that’s not the case. Today, my friend saw my cuts..she wants to tell the dean. I don’t know what I should do…
Rules are made to enslave boredom is there to tell you it’s time to change the view i just want to find the cheat codes so i can fly
everytime i turn on the tv i feel like smashing the room i hate to work and be taxed because people i don’t know are having it a little worse then me all i find are lies dyed in virtue i hate this world because a hero gets a bullet in the head and the villain gets a medal
Someone else has to tell me how to live because god said so or half the people elected a puppet.My family doesn’t know shit about […]
raindrops dripping one by one
until they’re strong enough to take me over
falling back, taking it slow, sleeping by the windowsill
never works, never helps
they’re wrong
they’re all wrong
they sit and talk as if i care
the bounds of reality slowly take me in
until i can bare it no longer
but then the little raindrops fall into place
one. by. one. by. one.
i am finally at rest
Pain overriding any rational thoughts
only feeling what I want most not too
Churning in my stomach, and burning in my chest
How did this happen, I ask
Only to be reminded that there is no explanation
No concrete answer to the question I’m seeking
I just have to accept what is.
Accepting a reality of isolation, loneliness and solitude
Feeling imprisoned by my own being
Trapped in a world I can’t escape
Following me wherever I go.
My mind plagues my every thought
The inner bully condemning every part of me
Ruthless, harsh and callous
Never stopping with its relentless bashing.
Only sleep gives […]
I’ve started writing more detailed procedures on my job so no one will be inconvienienced when the time comes. No one will miss me for myself. A momentary, that’s too bad and nothing more except “Why didn’t she write more procedures. What a f’up “. I have no family except the half-siblings who cast me off. My animals have a trust. It’s time. Does exhaust in a garage work? Pills are too unreliable, I just end up throwing up.
All my hope is gone… The little bit hope I had is gone. I really don’t think my life is ever going to be better. I’m fighting for more than 12 years now to get a better life where I can be real happy with, not fake happy. But in those 12 years, my life only got worse and worse… People say that when life is really terrible, it only could go better. Well, NO, it only can get worser!! (At least in my life) I wish I wasn’t on this earth anymore. I just want to die…. But I’m under controle right now. I […]
Round and round the circle she spun
Hair pinned back by forceful gusts
Tripped and trapped with no way out
Round and round she spun forever
Salt streaks mark where tears had fallen
Her eyes hollowed by years of pain
Sweet misery and the blade that followed
Round and round the cirle she spun
Justice is a liar, truth set on fire
And all of the hurt is burning inside her
She never could hold on
Spinning as she plunged on down…
Okay im sorry but i really dont see the point staying on this sight anymore, i know its a good place to rant and shit. but i dont want to succumb you to my melo-drama. i really have no reason to be depressed anymore, i just need to grow up and move on. Goodbye guys, it was cool while it lasted i guess. i made some *friends* on chat.i had the opportunity to learn a few peoples stories and some thing to occupy my time, so to you i also say goodbye
As I have read through the posts on this site it becomes very clear that a lot of people are struggling to cope with the troubles of this world. I am no different, but I have certainly never attempted to kill myself although I find it hard to enjoy anything and life seems to be utterly unfair.
The title of my post is perhaps unclear – I am sure that many people have never even heard of ayahuasca, but I can say from my own experience that it does work wonders for depression. It is the closest I have ever got to any spiritual healing and […]
The numbness is back. It’s getting worse. Ever since the only thing that made me happy, has gone. She made it go away. She made me forget it. Now it’s back when she’s gone. I felt numb when I thought she was gone for good… I should’ve been sad, but no, I felt numb. So now I know my numbness is going to be with me forever, even in the moment where I should’ve felt the sadest I’ve been, I felt numb. I can’t shake it off. I just can’t. It’s returning. This is the feeling that makes people want to die. I FUCKING HATE […]
So, I found out that one of my friends that I had made a gift bag for didn’t like me, so I decided to mark out her name and put Trevor’s. Well, I didn’t get to give it to him. I went to get my trumpet, and he was in there with two of his friends, Jack and Jacob. They were pointing at my friends, calling them names. I said “If anybody points at me, it ain’t gonna be pretty!’ And of course, all three of them pointed at me. Trevor was closest to me, so I stepped up to him (OH MY GOD HE […]