I ve got some plans for 2013, but everybody thinks they will fall through,nobody really wants to support me in anyway not even a single.”wow sounds like a good idea”

I feel like adult life sucks. Just a few years ago I had all the support from my parents. Now I have so many bills, my credit is being destroyed, I work a job I’m unappreciated at. Now my parents find me just a problem. I try to explain how I’m feeling and they are silent. They don’t know what to say. Would they be silent for a friend?

My mother used to be so kind. Now she is cold ice.

What do I have to look forward to? Getting old, being uglier, working more, more pressure, less help.

No one wants to listen. I listened to them.

Now […]

I’m so depressed this weekend and I have absolutely no one I can turn to or lean on. My parents just called from Europe where they’re living the next few years. I just want to cry and tell them I’m hurting and I miss them, but they can’t come back, so it won’t do any good. My mother just lost her mother this month. I want to be strong, but I need some human contact, and I’ve lost my friends and family.

So since I can’t tell them I’m hurting, I just act like an asshole, and I act like I don’t want to talk to […]

Last Night

I watched the blood.

Last Night

I cried again.

Last night.

Today

I cut again.

Today

I cried again.

Today.

Tomorrow

I’ll slit my wrists

Tomorrow

Ill tear up again.

Tomorrow

Ill die.

Im not talking about suicide..im talking about life.. do what you want.. and keep going strong. nothing will get in our way.. ifso..then fight..fight it away.. dont give up..cuz you can win.. just keep fighting your demons so to speak… and show them whos boss.. if all else fails.. and its getting worse..then i would say..suicide is an option..but atlease try first.. as in my situation..im fighting them off.. and if it gets wors..the i say fuck plannibg suicide..ima do it that moment. Dont worry about anything… im an athiest.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tvM3npytc2o

i hate everyone. people suck. i hate school. why does my life feel so complicated. im too lazy to type with proper grammar. maybe my life wouldnt suck if i wasnt so stupid and boring. maybe people would like me better if i was outgoing or maybe i would make peoples lives so much easier if i wasnt even here. im just a lazy human being complaining about life and too stupid and lazy to do anything about it.

Its amaxing to realise that this “high” i had felt wasnt really a high at all it just a foreign reactiontat o detected as a high but really it is the normal feelings that i am supposed to feel. This is my theory anyway….i really hope its accurate :/.

I can only imagine how azing high must feel….beyond satisfying.

Oh how ive been missing out.

Itakes me rage inside to see how other people have these “normal” feelings without even realising how good they have it.

Anyway …i feel these feeling starting to come about naturally..growing stronger and stronger…

maybe one day ill really believe it […]

When I was born my mother abandoned my father & I. She put me up for adoption because she claimed that she cheated on my father & that I wasn’t his. So she gave me to this family & my dad got blood tests & proved that I was his & he took me back. So 5 years later my mother came back into my life & all I said was “You won’t play with me, you’re just like all of daddies other girlfriends” & she walked out of course I was too young to realize it but I still carry guilt over my shoulders […]

I used to be the most popular (I hate that word) girl in my school. & in the whole district. For all good reasons though. Like I am a fun person to be around & I’m just a good person. I have two groups of friends.. Well I had two groups of friends. The one group is all bitches & their cheerleaders & the other one is all basketball players.. Even tho I don’t play I still fit in. But in the cheerleader group I was friends with the one girl who was really annoying & one time we went to camp together & we […]

I loved you, I loved you so so much, but I could just never tell you, I wanted to keep you as my friend and I tried, I tried so hard to keep my friend. I always try so hard with you and I just can’t do it anymore, you don’t understand how much it’s hurting me that you don’t even acknowledge the effort I make, it might not seem like much but it’s hard for me to just let go, but i’m trying but I just don’t even see why anymore babe. I’m sick of of you throwing me aside for what you consider […]

so i took them, the pills. I just hope this time it works, this time nothing goes wrong. ive had too much. im not strong, im drained of the energy to deal with everything. i hope everyone’s life goes well. i dont want help anymore, i just want it to end. noone can know, it wont make anyone feel better. not many cared for me, but whoever did i hope everything gets better for them, hope they find someone to replace me soon. i pray my mom will be fine, and my little brother too, he kept me alive. i hope my dad will be […]

It seems that ever since I found out that my only love is expecting a child i’ve changed.

It was as if my heart had been poisoned..I thought it would surely kill me at first, the first week and a half that I spent crying, moaning, and begging for my life to be ended.
I’d even go out for walks late at night and hope someone would cause me harm. Kill me and leave my body in the gator infested swamps that someone or something may stand to gain from my life.
Pain so deep that it turned my heart black and my blood like tar. […]

You taught me love. You let me believe that I was special. You told me how I was the one. You let me fall for you. You knew you weren’t going to catch me. You showed me how it felt to be alive again.  you lied to me countless times but I still came back for you. I watched you fall for my best friend. I haven’t stopped loving you. You’re my everything. I wish you would feel the same way

i wish i could be one of these pretty girls that everyone loves. maybe my dad would be proud, maybe my mother would want me. instead i resort to fucking and sugar daddies. i hate myself. so much. i love feeling numb, its better than this pain. cant just one person love me or even like alot. would be nice.

I wish i could’ve been my cousin, he’s free now. I know for a fact that if i did it, my father would just pull a poor me act, he doesn’t care about me, he wishes i was never born, just like my mother. i feel like being dead would be better than these fucked up fetishes and addictions i have. couldnt have i died from my overdose?

After my cousin killed himself, my dad told me if i ever feel that way and that suicide is just selfish, what he doesn’t seem to comprehend is that he’s the one pushing me towards the end.

Has anyone ever thought about the next few days of their lives, and just dreaded them so badly? Literally losing sleep stressing over what could just be a normal day?? It’s been happening to me a lot lately, and it’s made me cut (a lot) & even made me consider suicide…. Every time though, the days I’m dreading turn out fine, some times there even good days. If I had killed myself, it could be over something that wouldn’t even be real.. Is this anxiety? Dreading each day this severely that you stay up all night so it seems further away? Someone’s gotta know.

My friend is going to show me how to cut deeper and get more blood. And since I don’t want to witness him hurting himself, I asked him to cut me in order to show me. He said yes. I find that exciting and can’t wait to do it, hahaha.