I have not told you but half. Half of nothing. Nothing that causes my pain.
Goodbye. I’m going to kill myself. If I fail you guys will know cause I will be back if I do.
so goodbye.
the merry go round
goes round and round
round and round
living loving having fun
no one wants to realize what we have done
everyone laughing , eager faces
but when we are through
there will be no more traces
of life as we know it
but we do not show it
behind our facades our masks
so cleverly made up
im ready to give up
the merry go round goes round and round
round and round
the creatures we ride are colorful decorations
created by us
crowned decorations
all except one
the creature i ride wears no crown
only a dark twisted frown
we are draped […]
Hey guys and girls hows it going? I was on this site about a month ago after my suicide attempt. The reason i haven’t been on is because my lifes been pretty stagnant. I also admit to starting cutting on my last post. I stopped that for now, but I don’t know how much longer I can resist the allure of the blade. Even now it calls to me. It promises relief and salvation. I don’t know how much longer i can hold out before cutting again.
So, the story is: my family and I had as friends another family (my friend, her mom, her dad and her brother) since I was a little baby.
They were like family to me, my friend was like my sister, her brother was like my brother and her parents were like my second parents. They had always treated me VERY well, as part of the family, and so did we, we are all very united.
Problem is: my friend’s dad, in a point in my childhood, had sexually abused me. He didn’t rape me at all, just touched me and had ALOT of physical contact. I never […]
Something’s there.
Coming so near. Something’s there.
That’s followed me here.
It hurts so bad
When I cut my wrists,
When I clench my fists.
Every time I see You.
Tears come to my eyes.
Every time I see You
Inside I die.
Something’s there,
Coming so near.
Something is there,
It’s so painful to bear.
A doctor, I went to
Asked me questions about You.
Tears ran down my cheeks
I looked at my feet.
Everything about You is what I love.
Every […]
Not sure if thats necessarily a good thing.. I used to live on this forum a few months ago.. I don’t know what changed even. One day I just got confident. I thought I could finally live without these thoughts everyday. I don’t need this forum, I said to myself.
Well here I am again. Lower than I was months ago. I can’t handle this anymore. I have access to a gun now. That’s probably the one good thing about right now. Otherwise I’m completely broken. I just need him. why does god do this? ugh not even god why does MY HEART want him […]
My Papa (Grandfather) has gone to sleep in his room.
My Daddy has the flu, he is laying down in bed.
My mother is working on coupons on the computer across the room.
My second youngest brother is on the couch near me reading a book he got for christmas.
My littlest brother is making mashed potatoes for dinner.
My dog is chewing on a rawhide.
My cat is with my dad.
And I am screaming. Silently shrieking.
My loving family goes on like this. How they cannot see the blade so blatently slashing at my gut I cannot imagine. That they don’t see my insides being […]
I have my plan in place, I’ve always tried by pills with no success.  Wed I plan to go in front of a train. I have a meeting and after the meeting it should be dark enough I can do so without being seen until it’s too late.  Right now there is no fear but I am sure when it comes I will feel scared. At least I will feal something. At least I can put all these suicidal thoughts to rest.  I plan on burning all my print journals and closing all my social accounts wed morning. I don’t know if I want to […]
4 weeks ago I changed antidepressants from citalopram to sertraline. Since then I’ve been paranoid and have anxiety issues, which I never had before, and the depression comes in waves now. Some times I feel ok, and then i’ll plummet and wish I could just take the scalpel to my throat. I feel so alone. No one cares about me. I don’t blame them, I’m not likeable, very boring, hate going out, hide in my room, am short fat and ugly, a triple threat. It just seems pointless. If I’m to spend the rest of my life alone, what’s the point in living it? I […]
I am healing. Bit by bit and slowly. I am regaining the smile I’fe been hiding and ignoring for years.
But I am scared. Still scared.
I am hated and loved, used and cared by people all around. I thought families, blood, adopted, and steps were suppose to care, help, love. I never got that.
From my mother or my step-father. My brother and my birth father were the only ones who cared.
My brother was my protector and my real father was my savior when he took full custody of me. But though healing. I am still scared.
I lost the one man who […]
everything has to end
i just wish that it didn’t have to be so messy
i am worried about starting a chain reaction
I found my dadas vodaks and i drunk it drunk it all up. Like the bigger man supossed to be. Hahahahhha, what a *****. he deruves it for lying to me. Don mess with da drugs. i think i did it to stop he from drinking it heself but i cant really focus right mow. meow meow meow. i ment to say now. you know what? being drunk isnt as great as people say. i knocked my lamp over and it cut me. cutting is waaaay butter. and i don know hich site im on but it seems kind of nice. its all purple. I think i […]
Who is there to trust when everyone says lies? who is there to stop me when I choose to die? who is there to help me when I can’t see any reason to stay who is there to pick me up whenever I fall down?
Who.
your such a fat fuck, your just a vacuum, you’ll suck up all of us if you don’t get food.
so I listened and I stopped eating.
Your so ugly, no one cares about fuck shits, nobody wants to see them, they kill people with their ugliness
I listened, and now I’m not only anorexic but am also In the hospital for at […]
I’m so sick and tired. Once again…..
….my last attempt was a failure. I’m a failure. I can’t keep going like this. I’m tired of meds, tired of the failures, tired of living.
I’m staring at a spot in my room that contains my exit strategy. I always kind of knew it would come to this. I’m ready.
I’ve lost my special person for me, I will never have another…nobody finds me attractive, I’m a loser with a shitty job that barely pays…I won’t live like this anymore. I’m tired of being the family washout.
It’s better this way. When I’m gone, there will be one less expense.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so lost and it’s such a long story I don’t know where to begin. There’s this boy and I’ve known him for a little over a year now. We became very fast friends and I told him everything. The first day we ever really talked I told him everything. I was sexually abused as a child, I was raped multiple times by a man I called my grandfather. He told me his life story, his troubled past with his parents, his horrible past relationship. We talked every day, all day. I moved to his city and got […]
Lucky him he’s moved onto a new girl i should be happy, but its only to ironic. Tanners new girlfriend is Ryanne, ive been talking to her ex dylan. She said i’d look cute with him but even though i like him i dont wanna date him, one because i wanted to give them both time to heal, and because of the fact i dont wanna date anyone cause im still not over tanner, i dont wanna use anyone as a rebound.
It’s not fair i hate all of them all this fucked up shit, i wonder if tanner knows those more recent scars on my […]
(might be triggering)
i’d say it began in 6th grade; they made me weak by pointing out my flaws. i had thought, why would anybody want me if i look like this? i began giving away my food because i didn’t want to be fat, i never smiled because i didn’t like my teeth, i didn’t talk much because i didn’t like what i often said. they persuaded me to hate myself.
so when he would pay attention to me, in 7th grade, i felt happy. too happy. he was the first to see my scars. he told me he cared. but he only wanted one thing..
it wasn’t […]
Why doesn’t anyone care about what I want? I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t. But if I say that to anyone I am constantly reminded how selfish that is of me, and that I’m not thinking of my friends or family.
Call me selfish, I don’t care. I don’t want you to love me, I don’t want you to care about me. I am 20 years old, and ever since I was a little girl I have known that I wanted to kill myself. I think three attempts in the past year should have made this obvious by now.
I can’t trust anyone anymore. […]
Feeling lonely. I hate it. Sick of feeling isolated from everything.