Everything is me. I dont know why I have to be such a screw up. Everylittle thing I do effects everyone else. Why .? I dont mean it to do that. I hurt my self again. I havent really been on this for a while.. But yea. I beat my self up now.. I’m clean 4 months from cutting and 7 from burning. 2 weeks from trying to beat my self to death. I get bruses everywhere. No one even knows . I lie and say , ” I dont know how it happened. Maybe I just fell.” I just want my life to be […]

Ok,

It seems as if people need someone to talk to.

If anyone needs a hand to hold or a person to talk to, my email address is brl.cents@gmail.com

The swaying of bodies to a rhythmic beat, the music mesmerizing anyone who watches.  Colorful dresses of gossamer and silk swish and twirl as the tempo increases.  Faster and faster, blending together in a painting of autumn and winter.  A masquerade of feathers and masks comes to a brief pause, then the music changes and starts again.  The smell of pumpkins and dried leaves floats in a slowly dancing spiral.  A tempest of joy and excitement.  Time flies, and dances go by, pulling everyone to its inner folds.  Dancers falter, stop, and leave, their eyes sparkling with laughing tears.  They leave, sitting awkwardly in their […]

http://www.virtualsynapses.com/2010/09/mastery-of-elements-earth-water-fire.html#.UFhOv67x0l4

So my mother, the one who claimed to love me, has now decided to claim that I’m practicing witchcraft.  She says that everything that is going wrong is because of that. The thing is- it’s not true. I’ve never ever ever practiced witchcraft, and I am not a witch. I just wish that she realized how much she is pushing me away every time she accuses me of things that I never did.

              

In ancient times, hundreds of years before the
Dawn of history.
There lived a strange race of people…the Druids.
No one knows who they were, or what they were doing…
But their legacy remains…
Hewn into the living rock of Stonehenge…Stonehenge, where the demons dwell
Where the banshees live and they do live well
Stonehenge
Where a man is a man and the children dance to
The pipes of pan
Stonehenge
Tis a magic place where the moon doth rise
With a dragon’s face
Stonehenge
Where the virgins lie
And the prayer of devils fill […]

fuck. man, it’s like, it just happen. like, literaallly, seemed like a flash occurance. i don’t know how the fuck it was brought to htis.

today, i just came back from cap hours (meaning after school clubs), and today i felt so fricking tired. but when i went home, i was happy, that our new puppy had greeted me to the door, how my mom wasn’t in a bitchy mood, how my dogs weren’t actual bitches at the time and how everyone in the house said hi to me with all of their gleeful attention. except her.

after hanging with my new dog, rainee, on ground floor, i walked […]

Such a fine line between a cry for help, and a genuine attempt. I’m not sure where I’m at, honestly the two biggest fears are not succeeding and being left with a life that is almost impossibly worse than it is now, and succeeding and the affect this will have on my very fragile family and the friends I dot see much of but I suppose are still my friends and will still feel te hurt.

I think I just want someone to rescue me and solve most of my problems, and look past or help me cope with the rest.

But it’s not going to happen. A […]

Its difficult to look at everything and pretend nothings wrong how these shit is pulling me down run away as I may the circle ends where it began why am I so desperate when I know everything will be the same trying to tame the thunder just to overcome the shock desperate is the soul to break this outcast turmoil in the heart to let it all go days turn to night night turns to day stil I’m stuck trying to find a way…

when no one gives a crap about you.

It’s hard to get up every day when you’ve tried so so hard to make friends, make connections, and yet still no one likes you or truly cares about you. It’s like, why bother living when no one cares?

This may sound selfish to some, hell, maybe all.  What others think about my decision does not concern me, I only wish to gather some insight into the aftermath of my choice to commit suicide.  I am a father of two, boy and girl, 8 and 10.  I pretty much screwed up my life from the start, made one wrong choice after another.  At the time I thought that I was doing right, but hindsight has shown me otherwise.  I have tried everything within my means to improve their lives, but it is becoming increasingly apparent that if I stay in their lives then I […]

I’m feeling terrible right now. But there isn’t a cause… I just feel like I don’t belong anymore… I’m crying. It’s a waste of tears though.. There’s no reason to it 😐

Another song that I always listened to when I feel that need to end it all… from an old Eastwood movie.

“Burning Bridges” by Mike Curb Congregation

Friends all tried to warn me

But I held my head up high

All the time they warned me

But I only passed them by

They all tried to tell me

But I guess, I didn’t care

I turned my back and Left them standing there

All the burning bridges that have fallen after me

All the lonely feelings and the burning memories

Everyone I left behind each time I closed the door

Burning bridges lost forevermore

Joey tried to help me find a job, a while ago

When I finally got […]

I always liked this song from the old TV series MASH.

“Suicide is Painless” by Johnny Mandel

Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

I try to find a way to make
All our little joys relate
Without that ever-present hate
But now I know that it’s too late, and

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

The game of life […]

do i annoy anyone of u? PLEASE be honest..il take any answer…just curious to see if im right…that i do annoyng people..so tell me please!

These monsters grow slowly. They feed of trauma, deception, guilt and isolation. They pretend to know you, understand you and even be your companion. They are always present talking to you while you interact with others. They often claim to be able to read other peoples’ minds and make it the only truth even people themselves and evidence point otherwise. They get stronger in time and as invisible as they soon merge with you to become one. You’ll then be locked in the tower of your own mind where only torture, darkness and negativity await you.

Most of us don’t see ourselves as we really are. […]

Everyday I dream of winter.  The warm blankets wrapped around me, while I stare out at the dark moonlit night, watching snowflakes drift past my window.  This saddening feeling, of utter loss, while the sky and ground alike form puddles.  Bending and twisting, falling and repeating, tears roll down my tired, worn out cheeks.  The door closed behind me, the window open wide.  A cold wind twists my hair about, ending in a messy curl about my neck.  Memories slowly happen again before my eyes, reliving past joys.  This old woman, with tears still in her eyes, smiles sweetly and warmly, before saying goodbye to […]

why do we think happiness exist if it never lasts. why do we believe in love if it only ends in heartbreak. why do we live if there is nothing to live for. why do we cry if no one hears us and the ones who do hear us don’t want to help.

I know very soon i will start an attempt but this will be a little different.Pills almost did me in about a week ago.i told the psych at er id try again in two weeks guess shell be seeing me again.Anyway i have this image of slicing a line with my moms box cutter starting at the elbow going straight down almost to the wrist.
But thats not what i want to talk about.
I want to talk about what the key making dcisions and steps you need to determine wether you can actually go through with it or not.
1. can […]

I was abused by my parents, mentally and physically. I have never considered myself pretty, and the only shred of pride I retained in myself, my intelligence, was surpassed by more and more as I got older. I lost myself, the colors, that I had used to define myself for so long. After a while [and this is the first time I am admitting this] a voice appeared in my head. A single voice that whispered in a velvet voice “You are not trapped. You know there is a way” until my eyes tore again and again to the knives in the drawers, the sleeping […]