Loaded up the vaporizor with with  bleach. Now just gonna lay back and breathe in the fumes until i go into respiratory failure! This is it here we go
Lately I’ve been pulled in by this weird trance like gaze. Anything I look at I start to key in and never blink. Behind the stare in the eyes is sadness, bitterness and impatience. My lids seem frozen in time, my teeth lock, and my heart slows to a crawl (not sure if literally). I then shakes my head and keep doing things at lightning speed. Rush rush rush. If I can’t die then I have to force myself to be blindly fast. Unfortunately my blinding fast is going from a snail to a tortoise. It’s faster for me but not really fast to everyone […]
oh my love, oh my dear
what i gave you was so dear
oh my love, oh my dear
what i gave you was so dear
loved you dear, just so, dear
loved you dear, oh so, dear
gave you a love, gave you a heart
all you gave me a broken heart
gave you a love, gave you a heart
all you gave me a broken heart
I would love to believe in a God or a higher meaning, or that memories (or anything for that matter) persist after death. But I can’t. So with that in mind, what difference does it make if I decide to hang myself today or die in 50+ years?
Just a  little verse in english of a german electronic band, that made me feel very well. I loved the moment when I heard this one the first time 🙂
” … Life is beautiful, you only have to see it. When everything gets too gray, just screw in the color. I have seen in my travels that we seek happiness because we don’t understand. because we don’t understand … ”
I hope things will get better for all of us. But sometimes I think we just have to make the best of our lives, because sometimes live is better to us, then we think it is. Take […]
My dads dead, my sister has fatal cancer, my bestfriend is dying. And the guy I love, loves somebody else.
I’m sick of life, I just want to die at the moment. I feel ugly fat, and just worthless
I’m starting to doubt God…
Well it wasn’t until about a couple months ago that I found  out I had Asperger’s autism. In some ways it doesn’t bother me, in fact I like knowing so I can get help but on the other hand now that I know that changes some ways I see life. I was told that I might never be able to drive a car because of my lack of a sense of direction. Now I have always been afraid of the idea of me driving. To many risks. I know now that I can relearn things but even with years of therapy and being included in many social gathers […]
I’m tired of pretending.
I’m tired of it all.
I am leaving love around the corner with the heavens.
I am not an angel
Nor ever will be
I am something else from the darkness now.
I am leaving that side of myself where it was orignally from.
I will never be a princess
I will never be
Something that had love.
I am sorry I have failed
Memories are dead and gone, anyways
It doesn’t matter
I made a huge mistake, Tried to fix it, but I failed.
Will never be fixable ever again.
Isolation is who i was ever since
I don’t care anymore.
I don’t need help
I’m just tired of fighting for something i will never have… again
The stars have faded
and so has everything else.
Goodbye hopeless […]
I’m so angry. I went to school today after nearly a week off as a result of being physically and mentally unwell. I had to go see a specialised area of the school to explain why I am doing my presentation tomorrow instead of last Tuesday. Truth of the matter was it was a group assignment, the rest of the group did nothing, I didn’t get it done on time (got like 90% done) and then when I told the teacher, she told me to do it alone next class and see student services. Apart from the fact I had to rewrite it, I was […]
My bi-polar probably has a lot to do with my depression. First, can I say, that if anyone is need of someone to talk to, Im a pretty good listener even with all my issues. Today, I want to take up some talking space though , first post here. It’s hard to admit when you feel like a royally screwed up human being. Cliche or not, I don’t feel worthy of love and I know thats not right. I woud tell anyone else that they are worthy of love. Why can’t I convince myself the same. I’ve always had a temper. It’s almost as if […]
The only time I feel happy, enjoy life and don’t even think about suicide is when I’m Stonned as fuck…
UGH! why? life is actually getting better. but guess what? i wanna die right now!? wtf up w/ that? idk nights just seem to hate me. so uh god im pissed and happy and all over the place…mostly annoyed though..no wait idk at all. i dont understand me either..im such a fuck up..
My story begins about four years ago, that was the day I meet one of the closest friends I will have ever had. I was young and stupid, he was older and much more experienced in life, something he has never flaunted in my face. He was patient and fun, a very calming touch to my scatterbrained mind. He has always looked out for me, in a sort of protective sense that he tried to keep my innocence. Because of all of our time together I fell in love with him. How could I not? He cared for me, listened to me, helped me with my trivial […]
I’m a 31 year old childless atheist (all by choice and you won’t convert me). Life is pointless, we are here to occupy ourselves until we die, and when we do die, that’s it. No lasting legacy, no fond memories left in peoples minds. No messiah waiting to welcome me to my reward, it’s a load of shit, nobody gets the reward, we die and rot in the ground, and that’s it. Why on earth would I want to subject myself to 50 more years of living around people who don’t care about me and employers that want to abuse and exploit my body and […]
I’m tired of been told that everything is going to be better, that when you hit bottom the only thing you can do is go up. Over the years I realize those things are just crap, are worthless for me. Nothing is better and I keep on falling. Sometimes I wonder what is to be happy, to not pretend that you are a normal person with a normal life. Why can anyone live according to what they personally believe, think and act? Why they have to label us as if we were a different kind of humans, and many times not even that. I think that […]
The world is so against me.
I feel like I ruin every relationship I have because of my deppression.
How am I ever gonna be with someone I can’t relate to..
I hhave a great job.. I’m very handsome.. I have much to be happy about
But I’m not.. never have been.. I drag down everybody.. I’m negative about
Almost everything unless it involves food, sex, or drugs..
I think I’m ready to give up.. cleanout my bank account.
Have a great time. Live a few days like they will be my last cause they will..
Maybe I want to be around soemone who feels like I do.
To cuddle and […]