I want to rid myself of all my pain. Just thinking about tomorrow honestly makes me sick to my stomach. It’s the most disgusting  thing I’ve ever felt in my life, and sometimes I can’t help but think about it at night and cry, because I keep feeling it over and over again. I lie there staring into nothing, my mind wondering off into tomorrow, and I feel sick.

I don’t have my friends anymore, and as cold as it sounds, they were nothing more than distractions, anyway. People that kept my mind occupied with something other than my own misery.  Yet, I still yearn for that false reality, that […]

Written to a dear friend, who helped me live the sweetest lie. I’ve often contemplated suicide and have attempted and, as you can obviously tell, failed to actually kill myself. My dearest friend, Matthew, who’s name has been changed due to privacy issues, and I dated for a year. This is my last letter to him, sent to him only a few days before his death. He was found in his garage with the engine running not long after his death, and soon I hope to join him.

I’m tired of this life, tell me a lie.
Do me a favor; tell me I’ll be missed if I […]

Its been a long time.  I thought i was getting better, but i was dead wrong. Problems i thought had disappeared had only gone into remission. Major Depressive Disorder, Self Injury, Eating Disorders, all the problems i have, all hitting me at once again. Fuck.

For so long I’ve wanted to finally do it.. end it all. But I’ve always been afraid to do so. Always had that restrain from finally cutting the vein..

What does it mean now that I’m no longer afraid..?  I’ve seen it all… I’ve seen friends die, I’ve seen children and wives being beaten by their fathers.. I’ve been so myself. I’ve seen drugs tear apart even the wisest of men. At this point in death there is no way it can be any worse than where I am now.. This might actually be a legitimate goodbye.

Thank you all

I swear I am the most self centered insane fat freak alive. Every moment if every day I feel like I’m annoying people.

I don’t know.

I find myself every day saying this. I repeat this word alot.  I’ve been living with the spectre of suicide since I was 8, I’ve hated life since then.   I saw my grandfather lying in the casket, and everyone was crying, I didn’t understand until I went over and told grandpa to wake up… he didn’t wake up.

Grandpa was just sitting there, not moving.  I didn’t understand why he wasn’t getting up.  I kept hoping he would get up, thinking that he was just asleep, but he was too still.  In my little mind, I knew he was too still.  I learned about […]

I don’t know what’s wring with me. I need attention. I need to be noticed. Everything hurts and I never feel loved. I literally never talk or text or call anyone and I basically spend every day only talking and hanging with my parents. This by itself is not a big deal, but I feel like I’m weird because of it. The few friends I do have call me a liar, an annoying little *****, a slut, a whore and basically they want nothing to do with me. It’s my fault somehow and I’m not just saying that to sound pitiful. I’m totally lost and […]

I can’t stop thinking of wanting to cut 🙁 I can feel the pain and see the lines all I wanna do tonight is cut. I just wish I had a reason.

Life is supposed to be lived at a sort of dynamic equilibrium, with some days being better than others, but each day always being manageable to live through.  Alas, this is not the case in my life, my life is far past manageable, it feels as if each and everyday that goes by, my life keeps drifting farther and farther past that manageable mark.  I don’t know how much longer I can keep continuing on this downward decent.  In every part of my life I feel trapped, like there is no way out of the current situation from everything that pertains to my family life, […]

I’ve been to the point where i would sit in my room alone crying for hours. ive looked into ways on how to kill myself. ive spit on every one of my friends names. ive been completely depressed. but i got better. i made it better by myself. i have a mother who doesnt get it, doesnt get me, fights with me worse than a teenager. an older sister with a complete anger issue and temper and a little brother who doesnt quite get life right now. a father that tore our family apart for a girl 2 years older than my older sister. it […]

I don’t know if this is the right place to be posting, but I’m on the edge, I don’t know where else to go. I used to be happy and normal but things are just falling apart. I have a wonderful family, I have friends, I’m looking at a fine life ahead of me, but I don’t want any of it… I’ve just been miserable lately and nobody understands… (I’m sure someone on here will.) They ask me how I can be so depressed when life is so good, and that’s the thing, I don’t know the answer. That’s what kills me. What’s […]

I understand people going through things and surviving it. But just because you survive it doesnt mean I can or want to. I dont want help to make things better. there is no more “better” left. When it takes effort for my to type these words, I know Im faded. Everyday gets worse and worse, but the funny part is everynight you go to sleep praying for the next day to be better than the last. He still hasnt answered my prayers to take my life, this is how I know he wants me to take my own. Its so beautiful outside, but yet im […]