Alright so I don’t really know how to do this, but whatever.I’m just going to share my story. Last year I got into alcohol and drugs. I was drinking, smoking cigarettes, smoking weed, and huffing. I don’t know how to explain it. I just wasn’t me. Hanging out with the wrong people. One day at midnight, well, September 7th. It was officially the first day of school and I was dreading it. So, me and my friend took 8 triple c’s or cold cough pills. I knew nothing about it other than it would make me feel good. And I’ve always had problems with depression […]

every day i wake up and wonder why cant i just sleep forever?. I am 25 years old have been depressed for the last five years. Over that time i have started cutting and have on 2  occasions i have tried to end my life. the first time i tried to hang myself but the rope broke. The second time I took a full bottle of Vicodin then then tried to shot myself but i just was not able to pull the trigger, my mind told its ok the pain pills will kill you. I woke up 2 days later. I can see no end […]

All I want to do is to sleep.

Permanently.

As a Christian, I was taught to give thanks every morning, to be grateful that I am alive and well. Unfortunately, I am doing the exact opposite. I keep asking: “Why am I still alive this morning?” I pray to God to take my life away because (initially) I don’t believe in suicide.

Apparently that didn’t help much because I am still alive and kicking.

And so here I am, contemplating suicide… With suicide I know for sure I will never have to wake up again…

There are times life seems so beyond my ability

to delicately control that I return to the desire to believe I choose

this life with the deseret environment of my bith parents. There is a lesson for me to uniquely learn from these particular hurtles. I have something to say but aI lack the will to voice.

You’re sitting at your desk, and you know it’s time to go. You’ve said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. You’re tired… you’re just so very tired. You’re parents pissed you off, like school wasn’t bad enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or whatever you choose to use because you’re that desperate. You’re ready. You think of it as some game… the first one dead is the one who wins. No ones home, it’s the perfect time. You’re ready. If you don’t do it, you’re gonna look […]

i really do hate having panic attacks. the last time i had one, i got very short of breath, my chest hurt, i was backed up against a wall crying and screaming at everyone, convinced in my mindset that everyone was going to hurt me. I dont even know what i was screaming about, i dont really even remember. Probably just for everyone to go away and leave me alone so that i didnt have to cut with them watching.

Cutting….

I dont ever remember doing it, when it’s happening I feel, out of body, like im not really there. just an hour later, i look down […]

Hi there, i don’t want to go into a lot of detail so i will try keep it short. I have suffered from severe depression for 10 years. It started with a breakdown caused by a split with my boyfriend and i swallowed a bottle of paracetomol. I freaked out and called for help. After that i overdosed again and slit my wrists twice and needed stitches. I was hospitalised on and off for a few years and was mis diagnosed with bipolar type 2 disorder. I’ve seen a number of psychiatrists over the years and have been on every single medication you can imagine […]

My ex just said she never wants to see or speak to me again Only thing I could hold onto was at least we were on speaking terms. I’m hyperventilating my body is numb. I’m about to pass out and my entire body is shaking. this is what is fine with push me over the edge

Time to finally accept that life is a random walk. It may bounce up and down a little here and there, but where you are emotionally today is very likely where you will be years from now. This whole “I’ll give it one more chance” is bullshit. Life is just going to take that “one more chance” and fucking do with it whatever it did with the last fifty chances.

Are you generally a happy person but feeling down right now? Good news: you’ll likely return to your norm soon and be happy again.

Are you generally an unhappy person and been like that for the last […]

Its been a while since I posted. Family moved down to Florida finishing up things in Indiana before I join them. Wonderful support of family made this all possible. I still struggle with the depression(she is on mean *****), but I am in control. Evil thoughts do not linger and I actually smiled and laughed the other day for the first time in awhile. Thank you everyone on this site for giving me a open ear or just a place to keep everybody updated. I don’t think I will be on this site much longer its time to start living again. My only advise […]

I’ve made the decision to give myself one last throw of the dice of life. I’ve been feeling really down and suicidal for the past few weeks, yet over the last couple of days things seem to be looking up. I’ve found the strength to say no to the person who was causing my depression, something I’ve not been able to for a while, I’ve started to become pro active in my social life, signing up to play rugby and accepting a few offers of going out from work colleagues. Maybe I’m fooling myself and just prolonging the inevitable but I think having one last […]

Feel horrible today. I walked out on my job, because I couldn’t stand the bullying anymore, and I know I shouldn’t have to. Doesn’t change the fact that my friend had to pay my rent this month, and I need a job to pay bills. Makes me feel guilty as hell… I’ve never taken money from anyone. Now I’m just sick. I have no idea how I will face my boss, or how I will get the motivation and the courage to go out and look for another job.. this one was bad enough. Can’t even keep a shit job. What’s the point, I think… […]

I have gotten nothing but bad news for weeks now. One huge kick to the teeth after another. And it would be difficult for life to throw anything else at me that has not already been done. However, I have done a lot of thinking and have decided that I will NOT  just sit here and let all of these people take away my soul, my dignity, my self respect and my life. I am going to make a stand and become more proactive in these problems one at a time untill I reclaim what is rightfully mine. I want my life back. Sitting here […]

“Non playable character.” Or to be more accurate, an AI. An artificial intelligence, played by the game or computer itself. No personality. They’re only there to add little elements to the lives of everyone around it, perhaps to make their gaming more difficult or to allow them to open a new door. I am fully aware I just used a gaming metaphor, and now you know how much of a nerd I am. Not that I am a gamer girl or anything, the only game I’ve played in years is sims. I’m just an idiot kid out of high school with no friends, no skills, […]

I spend every second of every single day trying to make sure that I am “skinny”. I don’t even want to be like.. anorexic. I just want to have a little skin on my belly. I used to be that, but due to high amounts of stress POOF! There goes my cute little body. I hate looking into the mirror. I wish I could erase what I see. I eat only smart ones, healthy choice, special K, or salad. Literally, this is it. I work out three to four times a week from thirty minutes to an hour. I swear I do not cheat on […]

I don’t think that its that I want to kill myself. I just really want the shit to stop

I cant believe you were not there today, you are my life, you are the only reason I get up in a morning, I dont give a shit about my self, I don’t care if i succeed or fail in life, I dont care about friends, or having a boyfriend, getting dressed up or having fun, I just want to see your face again, I have waited months for today, it was the only thing that has kept me going.  You are so so loved, and you will never know. You are the only person who can save me. I love you.

people who arent suicidal trying to make you feel better. its pretty annoying. whenever my friends or family is trying to make me feel better, seeing that im in a pretty bad mood they just say something like: oh think of someone who is worse off than you..
I mean, I get it ok? there’s always going to be someone who’s in a worse situation than me. but here’s the thing about when you say that. thinking about all that, the people who are close to me with cancer, starving, hurting….i cant deal with it it just makes me more depressed. also i know they […]

I hate it when every time i feel like i’m getting somewhere with maintaining and re-establishing my 8 year friendship with my best friend she finds a new way to dimish all hope of us still being friends when we leave school and i don’t have alot of time because year 11 finishes in 10-11 weeks and my friend will stop going to school to go to tafe and it’s frustrating because it feels as though i’m the only one fighting for our relationship, because i’m the one to ask her do you want to see a movie? go shopping? or have a sleepover? and every single time […]