I had a dream one night.  I was with my friends getting pretty stoned outside on a bright, clear happy day.  I took a hit and looked up into the clear, beautiful  sky as I inhaled, but as I exhaled I began to feel out of place and out of person.  I tried to move, and I did, but at the same time I didn’t.  It was as if I was out of my rotting flesh cage, but my vision wasn’t coming with my spirit.  All that I could see was the clear blue sky… I began to panic.  My unbound spirit was being anchored […]

I’m Haley. I’m 17 years old.
Since I was in 4th grade, i’ve had voices and thoughts in my head that tell me to kill myself. Since last year, I just complained that they weren’t me.
I realize now, they are me. Every night, I come home and research ways to kill myself. But being the wimp I am, I look up if it’s painful.The repeating words to just end it all ring in my head day after day.
I’m getting so sick of this. I need a painless way out.
I plan to buy a gun the moment I can.
Boom.

I feel numb when it comes to talking about my problems. I’m not perfect, i’m fat, tall and ugly. I’ve been verbally abused since middle school by my fellow “classmates” and my older sister. My parents are seperated, so when theres problems, I’m the one that has to stay strong and it’s hard when you get blamed for the seperation. (What could I, the child, possibly have done.) Nothing. So far the only thig that helps me get through these suicidial thoughts is the ton of ibuprofen i take everyday and my constant reminder to stay strong for my mother who has been on suicidal […]

For years i was deeply depressed, I cut myself badly and couldn’t physically get up in the morning.
I got better, i would be depressed for a week then happy then depressed again and so on.
Now i’m slowly seeping back to being deeply depressed enough to find it hard to breathe every second. I’m starting to think every one hates me again, and that if i died no one would care.
I had my first ‘happy day’ about a week ago, i got so much done and was laughing and didn’t feel lonely. Didn’t repeat in my head “I want to die” like usual.

Time does not run in seconds, hours or days. For me it runs in nights. I wake up as the sun sets, eat dinner for breakfast, and say goodnight to my loved ones. Alone I sit through the endless nights, watching time fly by, wondering why the sun is rising before I’ve had the chance to live. As the first rays of dawn pierce my aching eyes, I begin to prepare for my journey into the dreamworld. The only place where I can truly live in vivid and terrifying detail. Nights pass by, one after the other, most of which I cannot remember. Vague images […]

and here we are again. Back to old self-defeating habits. Hope?
What is hope? Is it believing that there could POSSIBLY be something better? Is it waking up and looking forward to the following day?
Happiness?… We use this word as if it’s nothing. As if in a split second everything could go from complete shit, to being honky dory and you could be happy for the rest of your life. When someone asks me why I can’t “Put on a smile! Get out of the house!” I honestly don’t even know what to say. Yes, I know how to smile. But I don’t know how to mean it. All […]

before you my life was like a moonless night, very dark, but there were stars; points of light and reason. Then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly, everything was on fire, there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing has changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore, and there was no more reason for anything.

i found this, and really liked it. kinda describes how i feel.

I really don’t understand myself. I just got back from my Prom, and I have to say it wasn’t as bad as I expected, but that’s because I had no expectations at all! Anyway, for some of it, I was really really happy and I danced and laughed and had a lovely time. However, for other parts, I just sat staring into nothing and feeling numb and wanting to die. This also happened whilst I was on the dancefloor, and I just stayed there awkwardly dancing and wondering how easy it would be to just do it at that exact moment, like jump from the […]

I’m 56 years.  The past 7 years have been to much.  I tried so hard to get out of the pit of hell.  I’m sure in part it was my own creation.  I have no friends, no family.  No one to love me and no one to love.  Please Lord let the end come quick, I hate the pain and I have endured so much.  The dream is over, only the night mire remains.  I have struggled so hard to beat this,  but the more I try the further in the pit I fall.  I am now afraid to do anything for fear of falling in […]

Last night I went to one of my best friend’s house. She
asked if I wanted to go get ice cream and when I said yes her face lit up. She
kept asking if I was sure, as we drove to the ice cream place, as we stood in
line, as we ordered. I spent the night and this morning we went into her
kitchen and devoured all the food we could find, like normal teenagers.  After everything we ate she would offer
something else, I would say yes, and she would just smile cheek to cheek. Afterwards
we went to a pool and while […]

I have pushed so many people away from my life… I’m so sick of being fake around people… if I’m genuinely not happy with myself I don’t want to be around others nor do I want to bring them down… I just want to be left alone to deal with my own emotion and problems.

Being Adhd and Autistic isn’t easy for me, during my teens I’ve done a lot of drugs as an outlet to help me express myself since so much I felt I was suppressed through society, school, parents…  even though now I don’t smoke or pop pills anymore I just don’t feel […]

Lost, confused, tired, annoyed, angry, sad, empty, aching, void and depressed.

These are only few of the words that are fit to describe me at this moment.

How could anyone possibly deal with this world? Everything is just so… bad.

How come others have such an easier time than me when battling this world, this existence?

I am alone, there is no one to help me, no one to comfort me and no one to understand me.

There is nothing that gives my life color, nothing that gives interest or hope and nothing to dream for.

This world is as I see it, as we all see it and it’s not going […]

Feel like I won’t be able to breath if I stop the music for even a second. I might break…

dont know why…i..i just want the voices to stop…heroin…ya know i have it…im just too much of a sissy to try…i did weed last week though and for a while…i acctually felt happy…cant post anything from my dsi(yeah i know babyish but i use it for animation help and internet, getting an itouch soon) cause its an old version of opera….just really pissy and i feel like vying…bipolar….the fmes are getting to me…hah….i guess ill listen to more asking alexandria and keep threatining my “friends” that im gonna kill myself…but they all know i never will….but the day i do theyre gonna be suprised i […]

I have failed yet again. I was just taken out of the hospital and I am now on a 24/7 Suicide watch. I thought I had finally succeeded when I had seen the bright Hospital lights. I guess the real reason I Am typing this is that I need a fast way to be gone. I have tried hanging, OD, cutting of and artery and drowning. Please I need a fast and almost painless way. I need fast becAuse although my parents don’t care about me I have one “friend” I guess but he calls if he doesn’t hear from me every 2 hours. […]

In so much pain now 🙁

It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, how hard I’m cleaning, or sorting. It doesn’t matter how many times I walk up and down stairs, or when I water or tend the plants. Those waves. Those deep soul waves of sadness wash over my whole body.

I’m not crying but I feel like I should be. Tears must be still in reverse. My heart pauses for a moment. It sends a tremble in my arms and throat. A wave of sadness.

Why should someone so messed up crave something they’re not ready for? Love. I wish the heart would stop craving that it just doesn’t realize […]

Couldnt control my crying once more..

This time, it got worse, I was trying to run away from hurting myself, so i took some sleeping pills, and slept the day away..

Woke up to another dose of pain and yelling, then took some more.. and slept away..

I slept and slept till i lost the count of days.. It got so bad that I actually tripled the dosage.. I wanted to escape life..

Unfortunately I woke up…

Though I’m living today as a zombie.. I still don’t want to live..

The burden of being selfish to take out my life is hindering me…

But not for long..

I just wonder how can you […]

Okay it’s me again and I’m feeling really stupid for bothering you with every wee thing, but I just really can’t cope atm. I have this problem: I tell the people that hurt me, my parents, those who’ve abused me all my life and who made me the wreck I am, everything about my feelings. I know that’s not smart, but usually soon after they’ve managed to bring me down enough so that I’m in a state of depression and anxiety, they’ ll want to ” talk” about it and they’ll even tell me they’re sorry, and especially in my Dad’s case that he ” […]

I sit here in the darkness. The only comfort is the light in my bathroom. I hear soft footsteps. I see a shadow of a creature on four legs. It’s creeping walk slowly limbers towards me. In its jaw is a bone, it crunches in its mouth as some strange liquid drips from its snout. It walks as I reach for the covers and I hide under. A dog howls outside. A very large dog, possibly a wolf.

The creature tugs lightly at the sides of the bed. It lightly gets on the bed as it creeps under the cover. 

The boy jumps out of bed and […]