Everything started when my mom remarried. I was such a happy kid. I liked her new husband. Until he changed completely. As soon as they got married. That always seems to be the case. He ruined me. He beat me almost daily. I went to school with black eyes often. Luckily people believed that I was just clumsy. I told my dad that this was happening, and begged him to get full custody so I could escape the hell house. All he had to say was “I don’t want to start a war with your mother…” Thanks dad. I guess it’s better that I get […]

Hey, guys. I’ve decided to try and become happy..so I have this poem thing for school. What do you think? Should I give this to my teacher? Let me know ASAP please?

Out in the distance,
I don’t know what lies.
A beautiful scene,
Or a dark surprise.

The part which I know,
Is that I can grow,
Out of these thoughts,
Which now I am caught.

I feel the same inside,
As I did before I felt the need to hide.
I hid behind a fake smile,
Which no-one knew all the while.

Now I am ready to get past the past,
Because I have the courage at […]

In my adolescent years, I never thought I would make it to 18. Feeling so alone, coming out of the closet at 12, no one to love, to be loved by, to share our love through sex…

I have way to make myself feel better, and they’re pretty foolproof. But as we all know, it gets hard every now and then… That’s when I can pull through the tough times and make it all feel better! But it’s that pulling through that’s the hard part. And what if I do pull through?? What, do all the happy work just to end up in my own hell […]

Me and my step dad dont ever talk. He’s been my step dad since i was 7 and Im 15 now and we have never had a real conversation. I try to ignore that i dont have a dad in my life but it gets hard. Today my mom asked me to clean the living room and i said ya and nicely asked my step dad to throw his trash away instead of leave it in there and hes like no thats what your for. He honestly doesnt give a shit about me. And Im fine with that i guess.. but I cant stand when […]

i am so sick of people, nothing is ever fear, i am always the one out of everyone i know that gets treated less then humane, the outsider, the one that goes unheard,i try to be nice but then i get used and takin advantage of,then people wonder why i am the way i am,its the people in this world that turned me cold, stoped my heart from beating, i hate people, ill avoid them as much as possible, i hate people so much that i dont even want to be humane.people make me sick, and i hate this group home company, just fuck it […]

the Queer

Sitting in school, watching. She is so perfect, as if you have finally seen someone you can really relate to. Trying to imagine getting up the courage to walk over and talk to her. Trying to find the guts to ask her out, the dance maybe….
And then it all crashes down.
Your brief fantasy of ever having a “normal” love life.
Sure, you crush on her from afar, but you are a girl too.
And that means being different, a freak, a sinner, a loner.
No matter where you go, your gayness will follow you, keeping you separate from everyone else. You feel […]

where i come from this person know that person who knows this person which eventually gets the town together … i got hardly any enemies here most people here them are my *friends* … i know i shouldnt do this but its getting to the point i dont really care anymore … i want to die … i cant eat i can barely sleep i keep crying and vomiting … my ex officially hates me … its like if i try to and fail one person is going to hear about it then everyone will think im crazy and if i do succeed a lot […]

greed and materialism  will never be constructive values:

(a) never heard of any item that can fulfill that feeling of emptiness and (b) the things you own end up owning you (fight club quote)

on the other hand, to enjoy sharing and being good-intentioned seems to mainly attract opportunists

it’s like you have to spend your whole life defining boundaries, keeping your guard up, waiting for your next desillusion

you’ll be identified as the weird, paranoid one because you refuse to give people the opportunity to take advantage of you

(…..)

I feel like I should go live in nature: no more forced interactions, no more hierarchy to submit to, no […]

I know that I am crazy and it makes me feel crazier. Today was supposed to be a happy day where my mom and I would go dorm room shopping for supplies. I went in with a clear vision of my future. For anyone that may not have read my other posts, college is my chance to escape everything. I have been suicidal throughout my entire life and college is a chance to put some space in between my family and myself to hopefully focus on fixing myself.

The shopping trip went to shit when my mom kept negating or changing all my dorm ideas […]

I almost did it… I almost ended it all.

I have marks on my neck now from the rope. Hopefully no one will notice.

I got interrupted, so I was forced to stop. I didn’t want to raise suspicion. So now that I’m home alone, I’m thinking about finishing it. I just can’t do this anymore. I just can’t…

I was so close. I almost did it…. Almost.

I want to die because, I  am tired of fighting, struggling, trying to live right and being alone.   I am living with consequences for my actions, b/c  I was too stupid in my youth to know better. Now my life is confusing and hellish.  I just hope that when I die, I don’t go to hell,”if it’s real”, because I live in hell when I have to wake up and face another day.   When I go to church feel miserable, the life I dreamed of having, will never be.  I just wish God would put me out of my misery.  Years ago I […]

So another day has come and past, another pointless, meaningless empty feeling remains and all that is left is the cold embrace of an empty bed.

5 Suicide attempts, 2 last minute resuscitations in hospital, endless weeks in a psychiatric unit and each and every time come out feeling the same way and return to the same emptiness and nothingness that is my life. Medications make me feel numb, neither happy nor sad, just more of that feeling of nothingness, again. It is so ironic that ALL antidepressants just make you docile, slow, bored and unable to feel anything of meaning. I have decided that with […]

No need for a name, therefore, my name will me Anonymous. I’m a 17 year old female who tries to hide away most of her emotion. I was diagnosed with depression, PTSD, mild OCD, insomnia, and possible BPD. My life is a nightmare most days. After my initial hospitalization, i started treatment, and for the most part it helped a lot. But lately, I’ve loss interest in school, isolated myself a lot, and am becoming increasingly more impulsive (I went out one day and just got a tattoo, on my wrist. So much for ever being a professional.) I have attempted suicide 5 times […]

I don’t know what to do, I can’t seem to keep going like this, it has been 10 years in a slow descent into oblivion, it hurts so much now just to wake up, but I can’t do it, it would hurt others, and that would be selfish of me. My best friend A, has a boyfriend, but she is the only person who makes me better, but I cant hurt her, and I am leaving soon by asking her to do things with me because people are judgmental assholes. I think of better and better ways to kill myself, and with more than 30 episodes of […]

I’ve told my story once on here nobody commented so I thought screw this why do I post it anyway? I posted it because none of you knew me and hopefully some of you would understand hopefully some one will read this one.

A couple of weeks after I posted my story on here one of my ‘friends’ told the school counsellor that I had been cutting myself and she didn’t have the courage to speak to me about it. The counsellor kept asking why I did it, I never replied I told her I was stopping because at the time I wanted to. After two sessions I was finished with her, […]

Yea newyork is nice but the ghetto isnt brooklyn,bronx,queens we all face it we are exspected to reach that manhatten fame of lights and money when its hard to find a job. Nice clothes aint everything if you dont like the way you are in the outside. Point is no matter where you come from we all struggle but do we have the strength to live a better life ?

So I’m not dead. Apparently the gun show does not permit loaded weapons, it’s only staring at guns and ogling them and done. No test firing or anything… -_- So I’ll be alive. 

I’m going to ask out my cousin Jasmine. Going to ask her if she’ll be my secret girlfriend. A term I’m using since she has feelings for me as I do for her. I’m going to ask her next time I see her, but I don’t know when that will be. She saved me from choosing death, I have a chance with her. 

I don’t believe in God, but in this past week I […]

i realized ignorant people will only believe what they want to believe.only hear what they want to hear, and tell you how you feel when you dont even feel that way, tell you why you are doing something,when really thats not why you doing it at all,they say your arguing, when in reality,your just trying to explane your point, like they have been for the past hour, an a half,now, there is a difference between venting and complaining, i learned that it all depends on who you are talking to, someone that does not care about how bad you are hurting and whats going on […]

I tried to kill myself by taking a lot of extra strength Tylenol. I ended up in the hospital with liver damage,dehydration, and other stuff. It was the worst pain, I’ve ever experienced in my life. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. My boyfriend and friends felt horrible wondering what they could of done to stop me. My mother cried nonstop. Before you think about committing suicide, think about the pain it’ll cause your family. It’s been 3-4 months since I was released from the hospital with an unsuccessful suicide attempt and I can’t do activities, like track, I was once able to without […]

So i woke up today , i was actually happy . My mom wasn’t home , she was at the store .. I was home alone ,in a long time . My stepfather , he’s in finland . So i started to listen to some music . I danced , i laughed , i SMILED . I don’t know why , but i was just happy .:)
AAAAND THEN, my mom came home , and the minute she walked in … i turned the music off , closed my door , and stoped smileing .
I’ve listen to three days grace , sentce then , […]