I’m sick and tired of going on.. I want to die far more than I want to live and my recent experiments have just confirmed this to me.

Here is my recent blog:

http://amaranth-parallelreality.blogspot.com/

i have this feeling of going to the bridge in my town 

 walking into the middle of it then standing up on the side

as  the cars past behind me i can feel the eyes looking at me as the voices go on talking and talking

 i hear a man say “what is she doing? someone help her” but no one comes to my rescue

they all just watch me standing on the side waiting to jump

i look down seeing the water past under my feet all the way down

it looks higher but i think to myself that it cant be

im crying by this time the tears fall down into […]

Lets join in a drink
as this will be our last
Lets have a feast
as it is our first.
We cant sit here
and go insane.
Never past out
as long as sleep is near.
No need to cry no more
cause there is nothing to cry about.
All i need for me to die
is to get high
and drink poison.

I have mark myself … people see the “marks” but do not question, why is that? Am I not important enough to have you say something?When someone does ask, I put on my  perfect barbie smile that everyone believes and simple say “I fell down the stairs.” and laugh it off when on the inside I’m crying for someone to tell me i’m lieing, for someone to call me out on my lies and hear me out. Hear the truth. Hear my reason. No one ever hears what I am really saying beyond my play written words. Am I to be forever marked?…..

Hey everyone, i haven’t been on in ages but i got a chance to get on right now.  Internet on my phone was blocked after my mom found out i went on here.  Doing this from computer while she’s away.  A friend of mine started a blog so I’m posting that here: http://brokenbutlivingon.weebly.com/

Hope you’ll check it out and missed you guys.  Will try to get on as often i can.

Sorry I subjected you to my misery. It will not happen again.

I’m so damned tired. Tired of who I am. This just doesn’t get better for me, despite well meaning wishes. I don’t know how or when, but I will end my life. This pointless life can’t continue. I’m done.
I can’t tolerate myself or other’s bullshit anymore.

Loneliness be over
When will this loneliness be over

Life will flash before my eyes
So scattered and lost
I want to touch the other side
And no one thinks they are to blame
Why can’t we see
That when we bleed we bleed the same

The pain will finally be gone tonight..

Sleep! Oh precious Sleep!

How I long to be with thee.

Sleep, oh precious Sleep,

with you I never disagree.

Sleep, oh precious Sleep,

it’s you that let’s me see,

Sleep, oh precious Sleep,

you are what sets me free!

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Thanks again for the cyberspace – FTS

It’s taking all my strength right now not to take the painkillers I have beside me.

For the first time, I felt a glimmer of hope for about 2 days and I’ve just lost it. Or rather, it was taken away from me.

I just don’t see why I’m fighting this for anymore. Why should I bother fighting this? There’s no point to it.

what is the definition of depression?

is every whining pessimist depressed?

are you depressed? am i depressed?

how does one diagnose a persons inner feelings and pain.

and how do i define what i am, and how i feel.

‘he’ might say i have a case of depression,

‘she’ might say i just get sad sometimes

and ‘they’ might say im just pathetic.

and i, might say…

Some time yesterday, I posted what I thought would be my last post here… How wrong I was.

After taking about 20 Ativan and Panadol tablets, I’m still here. All that happened was that I woke up all disorientated and exhausted with my body cramping all over.

I hate how I can’t even kill myself properly. I seem to fail at everything I do. I hate myself.

that point when it gets so bad and you dont even like the sound of your own heartbeat anymore

Lately I have been feeling very angry and hopeless because of the way people are in my school and in my life generally, there is a lot of lying from the teachers, racism between local students and expatriates (I live in the middleeast), and uncaring attitudes from everyone, an absent father, and my mother who loves to attract negative attention. I am hopeless because I feel like i am bound to this life and these stupid ignorant opressive people and i can do nothing about it. I’ve thought about suicide, researched tons of possible ways to do it, […]

Not every problem has a solution. Some problems are innate, unsolvable, and you have to live with them till the day you die.

“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” is just a cliche said by those who are lucky enough to never experience the worst life could offer.

I didn’t want to hear that, I didn’t want know, but it’s to late, I asked. I already knew the answer and now I have the thought and the image that entails.

I wanna scream, I am trying here but I am by far not out of the woods yet. So yes it does still hurt but I will pretend for you that it doesn’t.

TOO many memories I wish I didn’t have and now I cannot make them go away….       ….

id sit here and blame it on my sleep deprevation but its really just you. im sorry forr what i did its been a year not a day goes by where i wish you were here. but you hate me. i ruined it all. i sat there screaming and crying as i watched the dominoes fall. i went insane and grabbed my pills. overdosed and passed out thinking it was the end. woke up three days later wishing i could go back and start all over again. why does your name have to be so long? if it were shorter id have fewer cuts on […]

I gave up trying
I gave up crying
As everyone is dying
I deicide to quit lying
==================
Was it just a project
or am i a nervous wrecked
Althought he grab my neck
it was all just a side effect
====================
Does he hate me
or let me free
He walks alone
even when i shown
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weed starts as a seed its all i really need it fells so right in my pipe i think it might die tonight it puts my boyfriend to fright caus it means we cant fuck all nightth only time he wants to see me is when im on my knees his like come on ***** please weed starts as a seed its all i really need it feels so right in my pipe i think i might die tonight i sit in my jeep and the boys yell out damn that ***** is ceep i like my whiskey hard like my boys i cant die […]

Why do I feel like everybody hates me?
I haven’t even done anything wrong
All I do is care for other people…
And of course it’s shoved back In my face.
I really hate life, I annoy everyone I know
What’s going in my head?
All I think about is death, my death
When it will be, how it will happen,
I really don’t see a point in living
Wish someone would murder me, poison me?
It’s even sadder that my best friend is my blade
Was doing so well till tonight, 7 days free
But yet again, I fail. Can’t do anything right
I […]