I thought about “saying goodbye” but that sounds like I’m leaving, and I’m not. Just dealing with grief, which has been a dominant force in my life. I guess I just wanted to SHARE. A bit of grief for Plainwhite doing as he did, it’s a bittersweet kind, like graduation sort… And of course it isn’t final final. He’ll have to be gone awhile for it to be even persistant….. but I’ve learned to prep accordingly. People willing to announce an exit often do eventually.

It’s a bit the same with another, an old friend has dropped off the map……….. again. Last sign of life I […]

Every single cell in my brain is telling me to kill myself. It’s over. It’s done. No more. Just can’t keep fighting. Tired and worn out and nothing goes right. The pain of all the screw ups and failures has dulled a bit, but they still persistent. Tried talking to a few friends and a suicide hotline, and even if it feels a little better, can’t help but feel like there’s no way beyond this. I know my problems aren’t as big as other people’s, but that empty feeling won’t go. I think in the back […]

I love you. Sit here and just think of your future. Your future if you don’t do it.

I don’t know what you’re seeing right now, but I can tell you that your future is amazing. How do I know?

you are the one who decides what your future is.

you.

you can fight for any future you want, any future you need.

It’ll take work, I can’t lie about that. But I’m proud of you if you do work for it.

i’m proud of you

i love you

Emotional pain is difficult to evaluate. My current conceit is that if I could guarantee being free from the regret, longing, & despair that I feel for the rest of my life, I’d probably sacrifice a limb. Maybe not a whole arm, but a hand. And I’m talking hacked off with no anaesthetic, medieval style. That’s probably delusional. If someone were somehow able to really offer me that, I’m sure I would puss out. But it’s hard to quantify. When it gets bad, it seems truly awful. But it’s not like I break down crying in the middle of the street, or scream. I’m kind […]

{And I hate living in Neverland, and I hate living in this flawed body, and I hate I hate I hate PETER PAN!!!}

yes, the social worker/client dynamic is much like the parent child dynamic, sometimes sick and disordered

“I want I want I want, me me me, mine mine mine, now, now now”

I had a bit of a day….. really it was the last hour and a half. The last thirty minutes…… I nearly quit. We can’t take more clients towards the end of the day, we aren’t allowed overtime. We don’t want it either. The whole damn building shuts down at five. So we stop […]

My internship project is over. I took too long to design the thing and now lead times would take too long. My manager suggests that I just document what I have so that I can hand it off to the next intern or co-op. He seemed rather disappointed in the whole situation. I kept a straight face during it. My mentor on the other hand took a different approach. He thinks that there is still time with enough finagling with contractors and such. He’s setting himself up for disappointment. Both kept saying the same thing. That […]

I was getting a breakfast roll. There was a girl txting on her phone, eyes down. I just started talking, one can’t stand on ceremony in this world, ” A breakfast roll with bacon,sausage, egg, butter and ketchup ” I said. She looked up from her phone ” what?” She said whilst blowing out bubblegum with a resounding pop. ” you heard” I said. “A breakfast roll with bacon,sausauge, egg and butter” she said bitchily. “and ketchup, the attitude on you,I’d say you give ur boyfriend a terrible time, don’t you, tell me the truth” I said. ” Actually I don’t have a boyfriend” she […]

I got raped last year I was 16 and a virgin it was by someone I really trusted he was 21 I had known him since I was 12 and he was 17 I feel stupid saying we were friends but that’s how it felt we would talk and hang out sometimes but we hadn’t hung out in a while before it happened. I have spent the past year struggling trying to deal with it a couple weeks after it happened I ended up dating my best friend. That came with it’s own set of problems because one of my cousins around my age that […]

I officially stopped playing video games on May 19th. Not sure how I feel about it honestly. Gaming is the reason I made some friends in college that I still talk to to this day. It helped me start to learn about how business operate through keeping up with gaming news and the like, and likely pushed me more into tech, which is what I currently am working on making a career out of.

I got sick and tired of the complaints that all I did was game, didn’t take care of my responsibilities and nothing else, and out of relative anger, told my […]

I have a problem. A reocurring problem. I get depressed, and then I lead women on to me so that they give me attention, and then I become obsessed with them, and then I know that I have to detach myself from them, because I’m not looking for a relationship, I just want to ease the pain of my life somehow. And then I end up, not just causing more pain to myself, but hurting someone else too. This time it’s especially bad though. Because this girl is 14 years old. I thought she was older, maybe 17, and I should have stopped leading her […]

Almost 6 weeks. More like 5 and a half. I’m finally starting to crack. Honestly I lasted a lot longer than I thought I would. So I guess that’s something to be proud of. Nothing in my internship is going right. I want to start ordering parts so I can actually do stuff, but every time I show my final design there’s something wrong. Either I put to much focus on something I shouldn’t have or didn’t think something through. I’m told to just go and do it fast, but when I do I’m told that I […]

I keep seeing these signs saying “suicide is never an option.” But they’re wrong, pretty much the opposite is true it is always an option…. Maybe a difficult option, one that makes people sad .. but an option damn it. Normally I’d try to hold onto it and vent later but this fact has literally kept me alive.

Because if you convinced me I was losing that option, I’d charge for that exit with all speed. Because otherwise I’m trapped. I can only keep procrastinating death, keep those plates spinning as long as the door out is unlocked .

It also brings up another issue: people seem […]

Something in me is continually breaking. Like falling down a ladder and breaking every rung on the way down. Even at my worst, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like this. There’s a crackling coming from inside me somewhere like a growing fire, but not the warm, comfortable kind. Not the driving kind. Not the motivating kind. It’s the kind that’s going to burn my house down and take me with it. I don’t have the energy to find the source and extinguish it. Every plan i make backfires. Every exit I try to take slams shut. It’s time to settle in. Lay down and […]

Wrote this back in October, but I still seem to feel this way, more melancholy but still:

It’s not working.
None of this is working.
It’s my fault of course. I am the one making the shitty decisions to fuck myself over. Over and over again.
Burdening the few people who give a shit about me.
I can’t keep going like this.
If I give up, that’s it. I’ll be forced to go back home and stay with my grandma or something, because I won’t have any money for anything else. Things will be the lowest they’d ever been, and that will be that. I will […]

I’ve written note after note over the last several years. Made plan after plan. Usually with the understanding that i won’t actually be able to follow through. Realistically, I know I still won’t. Tonight won’t be any different. So why am I stressed over whether or not to actually leave a note? Really its only for one person. Would my mom want an explanation? An apology? Will she know I want her to take my dog? That she’s the only one I trust to love him as much as I do? Or would all of that just hurt her more? Maybe i should just […]

Is the reality of the situation I find myself in. Self-inflicted of course, all week I have been sparking up joints at 11.55 am so it stands to reason I would develop a tolerance. Another joint following for the Euro 2024 Soccer championship at 2,5 and 8pm. Too much of a good thing always acquaints one with the law of diminishing returns.

I was going to be flash about it, evidence…. then I thought about how I hate how that looks these days. Okay, I know, science grad of me already. Hey, I told on myself up front with that title.

The point of data is relational though, not quantitative necessarily. Of course in quantity of occurances it can be quantitative, I’m not saying it can’t work that way, where was this supposed to be going again? I’m a little bit smished. Playfully.

Anyway the main thing I wanted to record is this data point in employer relationship, Three months in, which is a pretty good place to take […]

I hope this makes him angrier at me. I hope he tries to fuck me over more. Worst god damn day every. I go to work and make almost zero progress. I end work and immediately go to lab where I make almost zero progress. I go home and I’m tired and I just want to make some food and go to bed because I’m going to use the train tomorrow because I want to go to the arcade after work and get drunk. And I lose my fucking phone. From the walk to my car to my […]

Fuck. Okay here we go. Maybe if I write this letter out again, it’ll give me some relief. If not, well… see ya(not really. I’ll wuss out again I’m sure.)

To the ones I loved,

    I’m sorry. Nobody caused this. Nobody pushed me. Nobody but me fell short in any way. I made a very long, traceable string of decisions that put me in a very difficult situation. That paired with general depression I suppose was just a little too much. I’m not blind enough to think this was unavoidable. There are about a million things I could’ve done to improve my mental state […]

I shouldn’t feel any of the things I do right now, but I do. I’m in a situation I can’t change with a man I can’t stand. I’ve made so many excuses for him. “It’s not that he doesn’t care. He’s just forgetful” Yeah maybe

“He was only seeing someone else because I was being difficult, ” yeah.. yeah I was being difficult while I miscarried..

Ugh. I could make a list a mile long, but it doesn’t matter. The thing is.. I wanted to die long before I met him. This is nothing new. The difference is that now it might be my only […]