I should stop keeping track. I really am just setting myself up for disappointment.

Where to start? Today would probably be classified as a good day. Played cards for a couple of hours. Had a sushi dinner. Watched the new Pixar movie. Didn’t even try to look for jobs today. Ran out of steam. People would say that these are the days that make it worth it. That’s what they would say. But I don’t want that. They are just mindless distractions. Things that make you forget about how much you hate […]

Interesting video. Ladys’ mind is sharp as a tack and healthy as a horse. She’s healthier than most 40yo’s. Zero medication. Watch till the end. The last 3min is related to depression- well- the lack thereof.

(17min)

I’m not a perfectionist at all, I just really want to fix myself.

I don’t expect ignorant bliss 100% of the time. I’d like to think I am realistic.

But lately, I feel like there isn’t much I can really do.

I started a class in January to get a certification to move up at my job. Studying has been hit or miss, but I am really trying hard.

I’ve been going between that and keeping up with my apartment, but I’ve been neglecting chores and even though I am getting sleeep somewhat, I have moments like this where I’m just […]

Dec 15 was the last time I hit my drug stash, the hard stuff. Before that it was Nov 7. Before that it was every week and before that, every day.

Drugs aren’t the problem; life is the problem. I’m reading the book “War and War” by Krasznahorkai who describes the main character, suffering delusions that his head is literally about to fall off, being forced into a sketchy but inevitable path due to everything behind him burning up in flames. No choice. It’s essentially fatalism but fatalism by elimination. When all other “destinies” burn up, you end up with the only “destiny” left […]

The more time goes on the more I question if karma exists.

My happiness has been on a sharp downward trajectory since July. That’s when I decided to leave a stable relationship of 8 years. I had everything…love, loyalty, acceptance, and commitment, but something wasn’t right. My main excuse was disagreements on how to live together, financially, and family wise. After years of arguing, I decided to call it off before we would get married and a divorce would become inevitable. Truthfully I thought I was doing the right thing, but honestly I was also being selfish.
I broke her, I hurt her worse than […]

-Shakira
-Shania Twain
-Uma Thurman
-Halle Berry
-Eva Longoria
-Sanda Bullock
-Sienna Miller
-Christina Milian
-Fergie
-Gwen Stephani
-Demi Moore
-Elizabeth Hurley
-plus many many more

1- If these insanely beautiful and successful women still get cheated on, how does the average person/woman get a good faithful guy? Seems near impossible.
2- Never EVER hire a pretty nanny.

days are going by slowly, but time is going by fast, if that makes sense. there’s a lot of things going on an i barel have time to breathe or think, so i guess that’s not too bad.

something did happen recently that has me feeling… complicated? i’m not sure how to explain how it feels, but i need a second opinion because i just don’t know if i’m overreacting.

i’ve been on a few dates with someone, and we were getting along well. last two dates they got pretty intense, a bit handsy (?) i guess. first time was okay i guess, didn’t mind much since […]

-Can’t do drugs- don’t want to go down that route. Plus I’m too innocent and wouldn’t even know how to get any.

-I don’t like the taste of alcohol. I honestly don’t understand why the entire world loves alcohol so much.

-I do like food but where I live there’s nothing good nearby. That’s what happens when you live in a poor shitty neighborhood. And I’m too poor to order delivery. Prices are exorbitant as it is, let alone delivery apps jacking everything up.

-Can’t do caffeine- even a small amount makes me jittery. It’s insane to me how the rest of America is caffeined […]

1- Be very accomplished and successful and have done a lot, but unhappy
(wrote world-famous books, wrote famous music, created famous artwork, built and designed skyscapers, became a dr/lawyer/CEO/founder of a fortune 500 company, etc)

OR

2- Have done not a single thing in life but you’re happy (example- you’re a HS dropout but married a woman who loves you and is a janitor now)

Yes, dumbass Americans really really do want war with Iran to bring about Armageddon I order to bring Jesus back.

Another reason why I have zero hope in Americans/humanity.
Another reason I want nothing to do with most Americans.
Another reason why I’m hopelessly depressed.

When you are surrounded by idiots and jackals, you can do nothing but hide away in a cave.

I feel like I’m a loser at my middle-age now. I’ve basically failed in almost everything. But, people might look at me from the outside, on the surface level, and think that I’m fine/okay. Nobody knows the real truth, or the true reality of my situation. Mostly, I do think it’s all my faults. Especially maybe because I think way too differently from most ‘normal’ people. Honestly, I feel like an alien who just don’t belong in this world. I can’t relate to most people, and even humans at large. I feel so alone in all my ‘weird’ thoughts & feelings. Sadly, at my middle […]

What would you do if you had a Death Note?

Get creative lol 😛

Why are people, and by that I mean Americans specifically, so heartless?

There’s a reason why SO many people wind up as alcoholics, drug addicts, porn stars, strippers, etc. Most of these ppl grew up with no parents or abusive parents, were SAed or raped, or grew up in poverty. Most of these ppl had little to no chance at a normal or fair life. Yet the world CRUCIFIES them.

It’s not like they grew up and become serial killers. But even then, serial killers are made not born (very few are born evil, the vast majority are made evil by […]

Every action is starting to make me sick. I can’t stand anything. I can’t stand walking into that place. I can’t stand sitting there. I can’t stand trying to apply for jobs. I can’t stand thinking about PhD programs. I can’t stand playing magic. I can’t stand any of it. My sleep is restless but I’m acclimating. Through the course of the day I slowly began to calm down. I stopped thinking about it as much. But that lingering hatred was still there. In the back of my mind. Where did this […]

Hey, I haven’t been here in like a while, I keep thinking maybe eventually I will grow and the feeling will go but I have now officially lived 25 years and the feeling remains. It feels hypocritical of me to still be here when I’ve been feeling it for so long.
I was gonna wait a month more (didn’t wanna be the monster who did it so close to their birthday), cleaned up around me, finished some projects at work, chose the notebook and all, many loose ends you know, then now ww3 seems to be right here 😀
I’m in the midst of […]

So I just got a notice today that Yahoo Mail is cutting their mailbox storage to 20GB, down from 1TB free. That by itself isn’t the end of the world, and I”m not singularly mad at Yahoo- but it’s a drop in the bucket of things EVERY giant effing company is doing to us. Since COVID, EVERYTHING has been cut, while costs have risen. From groceries to deliveries to dollar stores no longer being a dollar- EVERY GODDAMN THING has skyrocketed in costs and reduced in services or size.

A single big mac is now $7.61 with taxes here. I […]

Has anyone written a will? Whether it’s a formal legal document or just a scrap of paper listing who gets what?

And 2nd question, what if you don’t have anyone to give your stuff to, or more to the point, don’t know anyone who deserves it?

My answer to the 1st question is no, and that’s largely because of question 2, got no one to give it to. So I haven’t bothered.

But at the same time, even though I’m not worth shit alive, I know I’m worth a stack dead. That is, if anyone was smart enough to connect the dots and realize all my holdings and […]

Has Anyone Used Any Depression Apps That Were Helpful?

-Name of app and how did it help?

Or am I to assume that whatever is out there is just as useless as the avg/shitty therapists and psychiatrists?

-ability to read someone and know if they’re lying, gaslighting or bullshitting you?
-ability to be an amazing singer/dancer/drawer/painter/writer/footballer/fighter/etc?
-ability to be the best liar/bullshitter and get away with it?
-ability to be super charming and charismatic?
-be like Cesar Milan and be a pet whisperer?
-be super attractive/hot ?
-be a super popular YouTuber/social media person?
-CEO of a company?

-Or Insert Other Talents…

I feel like I’m reaching a breaking point. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. There is something different about this low. Something very very different. Different than the time I failed my internships. Different than the time I failed my capstone or thesis. Different than failing to get into a PhD program or getting hired. But all of that contributed to this. And I think I figured it out. That was anticipatory dread. This is the follow through. This is the result of all my failings. What I was […]