I’ve been really itchy today. Just really need to pour out the contents of my head right now. Writing this while I’m in the lab. I don’t think I’ve ever done that. But was too itchy.

I’m unsure where to start. I don’t understand people or how talk to them. For the most part, I kinda hate (too strong a word?) people. I don’t like being around them. I don’t like talking to them. So the majority of my life I never tried. Now I’ve whined on here before about being lonely and seeing other people […]

I’m done mourning the past. I’m ready to move on. I just wish my family would answer the phone. I always daydream about seeing them again and laughing and talking for hours, like it used to be. I miss them so much.

I’m such a fucking loser. I am such a ***** ass fucking loser for allowing myself to be disrespected. Not only is the disrespect happening once again exactly one year later, but this time I know its happening and I am so torn between how to handle it.

I hate that I fucking predicted this. I hate that I knew my girlfriend would go off and cheat on me at her new job and I hate that I was fucking right. I fucking knew it and it fucking kills me. How did this happen to me again in the same way in the same week as […]

I gave up even more last night.  I spent over $2.0000 last night on rare video games I have been putting off getting because of their price tags.  But I feel so hopeless at this point, that I have decided to grab these titles anyway and play them before I can’t anymore.  Carpe diem, right?  Why the fuck not?

I can tell my mind is slipping a bit, because I forgot my phones password yesterday.  That’s never happened to me before.  I tried so many passwords I had to wait 3 hours to try one final time before my phone permanently locked me out.  Luckily, I […]

i’ve been putting this off for a long time because i needed to justify this as rational, and this is hard to believe because all the support i’ve received suggests i’m a freak of nature. i want to be a rational and logical person very badly, i get upset when others are not.

i wish people would say plainly to my face that i’m hopeless. your thoughts are a product of your suffering but this temporary solution is wrong. you are wrong for thinking this way, apparently.

this is the only solution. i don’t want to live with my mental disability anymore. looking around, there is no […]

I have had such a f**ked up life my counselor has called off on the last two sessions on the past month. Like, i can’t be that f**ked up. Its funny and depressing at the same time. Like btch, yes i’m a broken person or atleast damaged.

Ready for some fk’ed up news? i get treated better in jail than the real world. Last year thanksgiving was lit, everybody made like a pie and treated other like family. Something, I never really had in this world.

My mother rather […]

So many years trying to put it into words. Even expressing that time is a form of admitting defeat. In this moment, I’m probably not so awful or monstrous at all to most eyes. Well Sweeney Todd didn’t look too threatening getting off that boat, did he? The monster before it demonstrates it’s ills is just another beast in the vast array that life provides. It would be charitable and foolish to believe those beasts friendly.

Yet I don’t even look like a beast, people admire and praise me. People call me kind and good. It’s sweet how willing they are to not look at the […]

Another boring, frustrating, lonely day. Suicide is not far from my mind.

It’s a couple of things that have me feeling this way, a lot of shit that’s happened in the last few weeks. Between all the storms, someone I love gone, losing interest in things I used to enjoy. Idk, I’m just finding myself getting angrier and angrier lately.

I never have answers to improve my overall situation. I have to just sit here and stew because I’m so angry.

I don’t know why I even watch the videos I watch on youtube. I’ve lost my sense of self, and was reading a self help book on how to find that sense of self […]

I gave up on my diet today and ordered two pizzas from Domino’s.  I ate both of them throughout the entirety of the day, but it felt like giving up.  Not just on my diet, but on myself.  I may be cutting down my timeline even further than previously predicted.  Because my heart just isn’t in it anymore.  I have created my will I have purchased my gun and now it’s time to figure out what comes next.  My only current plan is to continue to build equity to leave somebody else.  That’s it, that’s my only current goal.  It’s something, but I am not […]

The problem with sleep, I find, is that it requires you to let go. To accept the circumstances of your reality, at least enough to feel comfortable being unconscious for 8 hours at a time. To feel that things are in some sense ok, or at least they will be at some point in the future. That things are, more or less, under control.

And I haven’t had that feeling, for so long. Nearly 15 years now. And it’s been getting worse and worse as I age. As whatever irrational youthful optimism I once had drains away.

I need something to tell myself, to convince myself that […]

A heavy feeling , my heart weighs like a ton . I cant bear this pain , feels like I can rip it out of my chest . Why world is being this much cruel . Hate this feeling . Hatred Hatred Hatred ….  When bad things happen to me all i feel is hatred . I am being misanthropic on its peak . Come on why. I dont belong here . I hate people . I am just a dust in this whole universe . All i can think about and ask is Why Why Why . At this range im losing my mind […]

I’m really drunk righ now.
It’s been a while…
I have no much to say actually but, I’m still here, sadly. My last post was supposed to be my farewell post, but just like real life, nothing works as planned for me. I’m the same, but older. A looser, a drunk, a loner. A sick. Nothing really changes if you just watch the time fly. There’s no miracle and no mercy in this world. If you’re born a loser, you gonna die a loser – sooner or (like me) later.
I’ts nice to see this site is still up, and some folks are still around […]

I hurt, but I’m sober.

I’m tired, but I’m trying still.

I cry, but look for smiles

I’m weak, but I’m fighting

My brain is a fucking paradox. This is not new to anyone who reads these (not many). As much as I spent most of my life drowning in all the noise of hopelessness and self hatred and nihilism, I’ve also spent a lot of it making up pointless fantasies. Delusions of being something or being with someone. Hopes and dreams and all that idiotic shit. It was delusions that made me apply to grad school. It was delusions that made me still message her after she stopped talking to me a year and half ago. It was delusions […]

This is only the second training I’ve ever done specifically dealing with suicide, but this one is by far much more wrong. The first one was sponsored by SAMSA and performed by a veteran psychologist for psychology majors, it was comprehensive and not bad.

This one was sponsored by some mental health organization I’ve never heard of, done by social workers for social workers. I didn’t have high expectations going in to be fair. It was “mental health first aid”, an almost ludicriously oversimplification of maybe people should bother to be literate in common mental disorders.

I could have taught this course, despite never seeing it until […]

-_-

But what can I do? I’m too tired, mentally and physically, of all this bullshit.

This is about as much “social contact” as I have- posting words to anonymous strangers at a site like SP. Every now and then I post to other groups but I’ve given up on them. Why? All the other groups have TONS of ppl- you post and NO ONE remembers your story. It’s just one post. People reply, and then they forget about you. That’s literally ppl’s attention span. From one post to the next. Hell- I wouldn’t be surprised if Gen Beta can’t even hack 280 character long tweets, given our skyrocketing ADD trends. […]

I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts and awful behaviors through much of my conscious life. The furthest back I can remember being such a narcissistic, awful, and boring person is from elementary school. I’m not going to paint some bleak and extreme picture where I am the most tortured soul on the planet because, in reality, those younger years were not bad in the ways that I see for most people. I grew up with divorced parents and little-to-no friends, and I was relatively indifferent to it all; I still am. Every time I’ve tried to write out my thoughts and feelings it always comes off […]

Family is something that can give both happiness and heartache. Scoldings, often intended with good intentions, can make me feel wrong and like I’m not allowed to do things my way. There’s a strict structure for everything, and it must be followed. I have low self-esteem and admire people who can do things I can’t. I’m tired of everything

THE PAIN OF YOU WANTING SMTG BUT YOU CANT DO IT KNOWWV ITS FUCKING PAINFUL … WHICH MAKES ME FEEL THE LOWEST OF LOWEST …. I CANT OVERCOME IT ………. I FEEL I AM UNLUCKY IN ALL ASPECTS ….. AND MY PARENTS DESERVE A PERFECT KID INSTEAD […]