Complicated is a good word for my family dynamic. I’m the middle child, with an older brother and a younger sister. Despite being the golden child, my sister isn’t so bad. My brother on the other hand, is. There’s too many incidents to list them all, but I’ll name a few:

when my sister and I were younger, he would stick needles into nerf gun bullets and threaten us with them. He threw a fork at me that ended up hitting me in the eye. (luckily, I only got a mild scratch and can still see) He’s beaten me with a chair. He’s tried to kill […]

Moved into my place yesterday. Didn’t realize it was in the backyard of some older couple’s house. It’s out in the boonies. Same with the warehouse I’m working at. Honestly it’s the perfect size for me. One room with a small kitchen and a tiny bathroom. I never needed a lot. One thing that I don’t like is that it’s on the second floor and the stairs are right there by the room. No door separating them. I always feel like I’m going to trip and fall. Break my neck. Can’t afford to get […]

I wish I could disappear so badly. I’m destroying myself, but I can’t stop, and I want to die more than anything else. I’m drowning in everything I have to do. I have an essay to write, two projects to do, four songs to learn for honors orchestra, science olympiad, theater, Girl Scouts, horseback riding, a million animal or regular chores, and violin lessons. On top of that, my father keeps nagging me about applications, but I don’t want to live long enough to get to high school anymore. The deadlines and the walls are closing in. I’ve acted strong for years, but I can’t […]

Chime here if you don’t have family or have a bad family.

So I had the interview on Monday, no word back yet, I honestly don’t know what the answer will be, but today I started to ask myself what I wanted the answer to be. I realized what I was really praying for, hoping for, having faith for was for them to say no.

It shocked me a bit. Yet I don’t think it’s the right place for me to go, to a detention environment for young people. The sacrifices it will require, not just from me, but from my family, I don’t want to put everyone through that. I know the money is good, and the […]

I move on Friday. Clothes are packed. Have way too much even after leaving some here. Just taking one suitcase worth. Don’t know why I have so many shirts when I wear the same one several days in a row. Going to clean up my PC and take the graphics card out tomorrow. Pack it up. Keep forgetting about shit like kitchenware and towels. I wish I was more mobile. It doesn’t seem like it, but I have a lot of shit. Or I guess people in general need a lot of shit.

I […]

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Usually I think of a title for these, but for the past few posts I’ve left them blank. Don’t have any good ideas. I feel like I’ve flooded the site with all my posts for the past month or two. But besides that the site has been kinda dead. So why not? I treat this place more like a journal than a place to get comfort or advice. I mean those are nice and I do check for comments often, but for the most part it’s just a tool to help me dissect my thoughts. Been doing it […]

I have an interview on Monday, they contacted me very quickly which indicates that they wish to fill the job very desperately. Frankly, this is the kind of job that is prone to hire me. I don’t often get hired by companies that are patient, though this is a government entity. I moved quickly to get what they asked of me; a social security card and three references. Though because my social security card is lost, I had to get a receipt and will be giving them the real thing when it arrives…. details unimportant probably.

Getting the references led to a wave of tragedy, I […]

antidepressants have been helpful in keeping me alive, unfortunately a side effect of mine is loss of concentration and it’s starting to annoy me, forming my thoughts takes way too long. but regardless, i still want to live, i’ve tried calling my surgery a few times for an appointment to increase my meds. they keep telling me to call at a different time or try again later because there are no slots available. it’s really frustrating, i feel my heartbeat slowing, lungs fill irregularly. i feel like i could sink into my bed for days.

it’s so stupid that i’ve been ruminating on a method for […]

I recently remembered a “thought experiment” I had in my freshman year of high school. I asked my biology teacher if he’d rather live one more day but get to do everything he wants to do. No rules. Or if he’d rather continue living doing what he’s doing now. Of course he picked the safest answer. I was always doing that sort of thing in high school. Giving stupid hypotheticals. This particular hypothetical just reminded of my situation. Back then the main reason I was depressed was because I saw no point to life. As I […]

Got some awful news today. That shitty technician job came back bugging me if I wanted it or not. I thought they moved on so I agreed to say yes. I don’t want it. I simply do not want it. But I need a job. This is what I’m talking about when I say why bother with the the stuff you have to do. It comes off as childish, but if I don’t want to do it why should I? If I knew for sure that this was going to lead me to what I want, […]

Genuinely, the only source of extreme unhappiness I receive is through living with my parents and interacting with them. I have never had the displeasure of being insulted and criticized as much by anyone other than my parents. I hate having an extreme MAGA alcoholic dad whose entire personality revolves around Trump worship and a boomer view on the world. My mom says she wants to break up with him but then does nothing and actively pretends to be fine around him. Speaking of my mom, the other day she told me she wanted to slap me in the face because I was […]

Still here. Unfortunately. Days are getting by better, but I’m not exactly happy about it. Got a toothache where a filling was done a month or so ago. Don’t know if the filling is cracked or if I got another cavity in the same place. Either way it’s bad so I’m going to the dentist Thursday. Can you believe that’s the most exciting thing that’s happened to me in the past few days? November is half way done and I’m still living with my fucking parents. Wonderful.

Followed up that shitty company that wants me to […]

I was dealing with a very jealous woman. I was puffing on a reefer of particularly choice weed, having tea, with Led Zeppelin live at earls court 1975 on the flat screen in the living room, not to take anything away from the great Zeppelin my favourite musical act but if there was ever an act that could be described as ‘ marijuana smoking music’ these guys take the trophy even above Pink Floyd my second favourite act. one has to  enjoy himself while he can, you could wake up tomorrow paralyzed from the neck down, that would be the way I see things. She […]

I write an entry maybe once every other day. I’ve needed to because I just don’t have anything else going on in my life. School kept me busy. A job would probably do the same if I could get one. But I just don’t care about any of it. Every time I think about killing myself, it’s so matter of fact. Like I’m thinking of calling in sick cause I don’t want to go somewhere. I guess killing yourself because you don’t want to deal with the things that come with life is pretty childish. But I’m […]

School is humbling me. Ive very quickly discovered that im not as intelligent as I thought I was. I have good grades, for now. But this one class Im taking is just so, so difficult. I dont believe ill be passing with an A, maybe not even a B. The lowest I coukd get in this class is a 77. I have an 92 right now, but god, this class has been taking a lot out of me mentally. My motivation just isnt there, and its likely my grade will drop in the coming weeks.

Have any of you made it into 4 year univerisities with […]

Are you lonely? Does it bother you? If yes then what do you do to not feel lonely?

A lot of people say that nobody really knows what they’re doing and they’re all just trying to get by. I’ve said that before to some people. But I really really don’t know what I’m doing. I have these degrees don’t really mean anything. Couldn’t tell you a single fucking thing I learned. And I haven’t really kept up with anything either. Like study my old notes I lazily downloaded from canvas. So basically I’m unemployable. I already knew this but when I choked on that interview test a month ago, it really put the nail in […]

I don’t know if the higher dosage of my depression meds have kicked in or I’ve gotten over my latest round of rejections, but I’m not feeling as bad as I was last week. Not amazing, but not bad either. Just kinda middling. But the thing is I don’t really want to get better. Life is full of ups and downs. I get that. But I just want off the ride. It’s why I pushed myself so hard last year to kill myself. And the ups and downs don’t change the fact that I’m an unemployable dumb-ass […]