Is it bad that I know where the key is at for my dads guns? Is it bad I got a refil on my medicine and I’m willing to shallow it all? Is it bad that this might be my last night alive?
Tag:
alive
the only thing keeping me here is the knowledge that I would fuck up my little boyz forever. I resent them for keeping me alive.
ive never needed someone to give me the will to survive… until 5 years ago. Ever since then its been so hard to stay alive. How do you go on when every morning you wake up wishing you didnt….. how do you make yourself want to be alive. 5 years…. 5 long, painful, slow years. I go through so many struggles and i dont know how many more i can take. When i was around 4 or 5 my brother used to make me get undressed and he would touch me, in a way no child should have to be subjected to. Then, when i […]
“I’ve grown used to the depression. I’ve grown used to the emptiness. “
I’m tired. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I don’t know who I want to be.
I’ve gotten used to the depression; the anxieties; the empty feeling; the voices. That’s how I ‘live’.
If I do make it out alive, how am I supposed to live? This is the only way I know how to ‘live’.
I am not afraid of death but afraid of life.
I’m still around. Counting the days. Listening to that inner clock, tick tock, tick tocking away. I wish I could hear it winding down. It’s an never ending repetition though. Just like life, even the wait for the end is a never ending disappointment. Will the last day sneak up on me or will I see it coming days or weeks away? Really none of that matters. All that matters is that it does get here and quickly. I dreamed a dream of dying a few nights ago. But it was a lie. I woke up alive the next morning. I’ve heard so many people […]
Its been a while since I have made a post, but here I am again.
I hate the way the regrets keep piling up, it’s just feels suffocating, and every time I replay the situations over and over again until I break. Every time it just makes me want to run away to a place where no one knows me.
I’m tired of being alive.
I’m tired of trying to breathe in this suffocating world.
I just want to die.
Every single fucking time its the same thing and the same feelings.
It just takes some small insignificant thing to set me off.
Why the hell was I ever born.
really not feeling the whole being alive thing right now
When I die I don’t want anyone to cry. I want them to look at the sky and say ‘goodbye’.
When I’m long gone and they miss me I want them to whisper to the sky everything they want to tell me.
I will listen to every word they have to say because when you die people get the courage to tell you what they couldn’t tell you when you were alive.
I want to hear that they miss me.
I want to hear the words “I love you” over and over again.
I want them to talk about me even after I’m gone. I want them remember me. To […]
It’s obvious I’m not okay. For gods sake I’m a twelve year old suicidal. So why do I stay alive? I’m young, I’ve made nothing for myself yet. Who would even care? I get bullied for wearing glasses. Pushed for looking different. So I dont care. One day I will do it. Probably some day soon.
Music is being abused
People are being used
And me
I’m still confused
On why I’m here
Why I’m alive
To only survive
The cruelty and ridicule
Of others
Save me
Mother
Hear me
Brother
Oh
I’m alone
I miss me
And missed me
All at once
What was important then
Is now non-existent, leaving, or changing
Sorta like me
I’m a lot like life
With these
Hollow bones
My best friend sent me a Snapchat saying goodbye. She was holding scissors to her throat. She is the person I trust the most in this world and the only thing that keeps me going. I know she’s alive but not for how long. If she goes I don’t know what I’m going to do. Every day is fucking horrible and its going to be like this forever. Is this what life is supposed to be like? Why the fuck does it even exist. The worst thing is that deep down I know I’m a selfish hypocrite who makes something out of nothing. I don’t […]
Who else is with me here? I don’t just get depressed, I’m always depressed. My mind can’t think about anything else unless I am unconcious (sleeping). Nonstop pain every second of my life for years now. Every single memory I’ve ever had is gone now, I don’t remember even the biggest days of my life. It’s incredible I am still alive, when my brain doesn’t even function no longer. I just want to stop being tortued alive and be in a unconcious state forever..
I am not afraid of death but afraid of life.
I just want to go back to where I belong.
A place far far away from here.
Where no one judges one another.
But maybe, maybe it’s all just a dream and I’ll wake up in that beautiful place again one day.
And the rainbows will cover the skies.
There will be happiness.
Why?
Why am I fooling myself?
This is reality not a dream.
I am alive on the outside but I’ve been dead for so long.
I became ready for death a long time ago but I guess death isn’t ready for me just yet.
That’s all I have ever wanted to be; a faithful wife. Sadly, having had you in my life, this will never happen. The only desire in my heart for my entire life has been to simply devote myself completely to someone else and now I know that this will never happen. The depression and anxiety have been eating me alive for years but I hung on with the hope that I would eventually fulfill my dream. Now that this can’t happen, I struggle to even get out of bed in the morning. Oh, I have also since developed bulimia and attempted suicide (though the last […]
Half an hour and I’ll be 25.
Anything could happen tomorrow. Will anyone put some light in my life? I hope so, I’m kind of confident that good things will happen. But I know what happens when you expect too much for your birthday.
Oh, there’s also that… tomorrow will have past a year since the last message I received from my dad. Will he at least let me know that he’s alive? If he does, will he be nice, or just as asshole as he was last year?
So this morning I woke up, shaking and I couldn’t breathe. In my head I was telling myself “Your okay, your okay, why are you being so dramatic?!” and I couldn’t stop shaking. Breathing became extremely hard. I couldn’t move. I felt trapped and honestly, every time I have a panic attack I feel like i’m in hell or being buried alive. It feels like I’m dying, it feels like I’m being attacked. It feels like I am going to die. It’s terrifying, and I can’t do anything about it.
i PROMISE myself il visit this POST 10 years from exactly now if am still alive….
the countdown begins..
I’ve been depressed for 4 years now. It wasnt that bad in the beginning but as time went by it has gotten nothing but worse to the point where now it literally takes up my entire brain. Every single second of my life except for the time I am unconscious (sleeping) is spent being eaten alive by my depression, unable to think about anything else. How can I not be? I am literally the biggest piece of shit in the world. You think you or someone you know is as worse as can be you are dead wrong because you haven’t heard about me yet, […]
I don’t know where to start. How do i describe what I’m feeling? Ive never been good at expressing my pain. So I’m just going straight into the middle. Its been two weeks and three days. Two weeks and three days from when i last hanged out with my best friend. We were in the mall eating and having fun while she was with her crush who liked her back. It was such an amazing day and i went home feeling so so happy. The next day I had school and halfway through, thats when i heard the news… She died. BRAIN. DEAD. on the […]
I don’t think i can live like this anymore, i’m losing my mind…i’m not living, this is not how life should be. I wish i was alive.
I’m considering jumping from the top of the building where i live at but i should wait until it’s dark outside…
Nothing makes sense now, this is weird