Pretty soon i’m gonna get sent from my doc’s office to a “long term intensive care unit”. Looked it up and it seems like the loony bin which I guess is where I belong. Guess I should explain why I am in this predicament. Two weeks ago I got home from a party where some things had gone badly, read the posts here of course looking for comfort that never comes, as we all do. After reading it was about 4 in the morning so I just figured now is as good a time as any and I slit my wrists (heavily fucked up on […]
Tag:
always
warning i am writing this out of lonliness, i am telling my story that may be traumatic and triggering to others and my journey so far. i am leaving out some strong details, but i will leave subtle hints to the other things i experienced which others will understand if they’ve experienced also.
Why is it? some people are just always last? always the scum to everyone else?
When you try so hard in your life and people say your doing great but you know your going no where inside, when you scream but no one hears you?
When you can’t get close to anyone anymore, when i […]
Somebody told me today to write three paragraphs about something that would make me want to stick around.
So here it is. Â And it might come as a surprise:
To stop being selfless. It’s the only thing that has even slight potential to want to make me live. I realized that I’ve always done things for others. I was always there for everybody else. I always worked to please others. I made sure to take anybodies problems on to my own shoulders when I could.
Then the thing I realized that’s killing me is . . . guilt. When I can’t make things go right for anybody I […]
So i’m seeing my GP tomorrow and will ask his opinion on it too.. but i was curious if anyone has felt this before.I’m taking Saroquel for sleep and to calm my anxiety. I started out with one a night and then they upped me to two and now three (75mg). It knocks me out like no other.. but then i only sleep for 2-5 hours, then i wake up. I’m wide awake for an hour or so and then get really sleepy again. I can’t sleep in at all, ever now and i’m always so exhausted. It’s almost like all i do is take […]
Life is so unfair. Life is always giving me hard time even though i can handle it, but i’ m getting weaker, slowly i’m givingup. Each morning, I always tell to myself, why i am still alive. Is God still loves me?.. Why I’m still waking up every morning and still breathing?.. What will I do? I cant kill myself because i dont want to hurt my love ones especially that i have my first boyfriend. i dont want him to be like lea michele because of cory monteith. i want to be happy. i want to feel that i am loved by the people […]
So, I’ve been diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. I was pretty sure I was suffering from this most of my life, just never bothered to get it checked. Why did I finally get it checked out? Out of love, but I don’t want to think about that…
75 apneas an hour. 30 is the threshold for severe apnea, so I have like super duper severe apnea. The doctor was surprised when he first saw me. He only sees that severe of apnea in the very obese, and I’m in no way a big guy.
Turns out I have abnormally large tonsils, so I’m probably going to have […]
Since reading and responding to posts here I’ve noticed everyone fits into their own category of what depression means to them. While many have always been down with bullying, financial hardships, abuse or mental disorders, others have complicated combinations of all of it.
Personally, I’ve had a taste of plenty of the aforementioned issues. I’ve also been fortunate enough to bypass most of it for a long time. I had a great stretch of happiness (the most I’m capable of harnessing). Now I’m at the point of needing to rebuild and raising up from depths of the worst depression yet.
Knowing where I’ve been, what it […]
I’ve been that one guy who sits alone in the back of the class the guy who sits alone st lunch and why? Well the answer is obvious everyone hates me. Everytime I try to talk to someone I get this strong feeling they don’t want to be around me then again who would I’m a complete waste of space I’m only on this damn blog so my friend the only person who cares will know that I’m alright honestly I’m sick of being everyone’s punching bag it dosent matter where I’m at some asshole will open his mouth then everyone’s saying something about me […]
I was told once, before we’re born we choose to come into this life. Told the possibilities of life are endless, you can do anything you put your mind to. Why is it that life contradicts that very statement. From a young age were forced to see the realities of what this life really is. A place where judgement of others is more important than judgement of one’s self. Where the rich strive and prosper and the poor struggle. Where the only peace you can find is in the bottom of a bottle. Or with a complete stranger, it seems the closest to you have […]
catch a falling star and put it in your pocket… save it for a rainy day…
I was always told this.. and through my life I have had plenty of falling stars to catch…
but now it seems like my rainy days are over powering my stars.. im getting thoughts in my head, feelings that I cant be free of, images that haunt me.
I just need something to save me from myself.
I may have missed something, I haven’t been on in a while and I haven’t been through many posts lately but usually his/her presence is always known. Does anyone know if they are still around here?
is so important. You have to appreciate what you have and be thankful. And being/ feeling appreciated makes a life worth living. Usually it is the family and very close friends who appreciate you and who show you that need you and love you and will always be there for you.
In my case – since I wouldnt put any of my friends in this category – it has always been family that made my life somehow worth living. I would even call them the only reason why I am still alive. During the last few weeks I started to realize something though, and I have […]
Nobody cares about what I’ve gone through. Â It’s always “It can always get worse” or people just take pity. Â Who wants pity? Â I don’t. Â What does pity do? Â Nothing. Â Having pity for somebody and genuinely caring are completely different things.
I have been consumed with thoughts of suicide. Tonight I was crying to ask my brother to shoot me in the head. As serious as could be asked. I wanted to say it so bad. Even after his prodding “you can tell me anything” questions.
The tears flowed but I wouldn’t give in. I was so close to just blurting it out but I couldn’t. I had the restraint not to tell him. I don’t know what I feared more, thought of him saying no but then even more if he said yes. I feared his yes because I honestly feel as though I would […]
We are all upset,and maybe the reason behind it is we are alone.despite being there for people who didnt even deserved us,we stood by their back.and then like always we end up being alone,feeling betrayed and more then that frustrated.now days its more of a pattern a person is in your life maybe a friend,boyfriend but they all seem to leave after a certain point of extent.everytimg seems exciting n fulfilling in its start but it always has a bad end.this bad ending has made todays life a living hell….we all want infact need just one person who is true.it doesnt needs to be a […]
people say we will never recover but i have and im strong now and always will be so people i believe that everyone can be happy and get out of this dark side of us i believe in everyone of you people im always going to be here for you all
Oh dear mirror must you show me the true things?
Can’t you once show me falsnesses among myself?
Can’t I once look at you in hopes of riches and diamond rings?
And not just see my poor background and bathroom shelf?
Do you have to show me my insecurities and weaknesses when I look upon your shiny display?
Will you ever show me what I would like to see?
Or through my eyes will you always show me my rot and decay?
No! I refuse to look into you!
No! I refuse to take orders from mere glass!
No! I refuse to think this is all that will come of this….
There has to me […]
Hey….never have seen this site till today. I was glad to find it. Glad to know im not the only one as I think some times I am. I don’t even know where to start. I guess the beginning will do – I am 47 – male – and very lost. I was adopted when I was 2 months old. Never thought that would become a issue but it has reared its ugly head. My family seemed ok…had nothing to judge it by – my earliest memory was I would say 1 and a half to 2 years old. its when my mom walked me […]
I just spent 10 days in the hospital on suicide watch. The only person to see me was my wife and kids. My one friend and that’s it. I laid in bed so alone and upset. Where did I go so wrong in my life. Have a kick ass career and 2 beautiful girls. It all started when I was a kid. My grandmother use to put me in a closet so she could tell my dad I wasn’t there when he came to pick me up. I grew up always wanting my dad and couldn’t understand why he wasn’t there. Than my mom married […]
“maybe tomorrow will change my mind…”
“maybe tomorrow will bring something i can’t predict or foresee, that will be worth the wait, and all the lost time…”
“maybe i don’t have to go yet, and maybe tomorrow won’t be as bad as it always seems to end up being…”
But… probably not.
Maybe i’m tired of deluding myself in the name of survival… since survival itself seems to be a detrimentally fruitless endeavor.
If i have to go through the mental acrobatics of deluding myself intentionally… i need to gain something worthwhile, to justify doing that. But that doesn’t seem to ever happen.
So i keep thinking…
“maybe tomorrow…”