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I really haven’t been on here for some months now because I thought it was just a waste of time…But it was a while back an I just got into this mood where I didn’t communicate with anyone I stayed in my room everyday I didn’t even leave to go anywhere, I just want to get back into that mode because me communicating n forgiving is making me miserable every single day and I don’t say anything I just play along with the joy everyone thinks I have…..
If I wrote a book about the various house-hold chemicals you can use to kill yourself, I’d be a best selling author. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve researched this method. But I stopped those plans and I am now taking medicine and going for counselling. My therapist shows me techniques on how to deal with pressure and it really helps. A little bit of positivity is starting to creep back in and the dark cloak on my mind is slowly being unfurled. But I gotta admit, I do have some dark days but I always find ways of controlling my thoughts. Something that […]
It gets a little easier to let go
I gotta stop being afraid to just step into the fray. Just completely let go.
Even if i fail the pain from the mistake would feel incredibly real. For once.
As nov. 2nd approaches i cant help but think of my recently passed cousin and how he helped me out so much. Was so free. I think about how he was in a car accident and how i want to experience it.
I know its fucked up thinking but what else is new..
Ah well this is just good venting. I’ll be making an hour trip back home tomorrow […]
I loved him until my last breath. I’m just so tired of hurting people. I fucked up. I hurt him badly. I didn’t mean to. He made me feel like I was worth something. Like I could do anything. He was the only one who made me feel that way. He hates me now. That’s okay. I hate me too. I always have. He made the voices go away. He made the nightmares go away. But now they’re back and stronger than ever. There’s something mesmerizing about blood running down a shower drain. Getting a little dizzy.. Maybe this is it. I’m sorry. You guys […]
I’ll keep this short.
I’m 36 male been suffering with stress and anxiety for a couple of years. Drove my wife and two kids away that I love very much about two months ago.
Been having counselling for a while and been on propanalol which doesn’t seem to help.
I don’t want to die but neither do I want to love this new life.
My wife says she loves me but doesn’t want to try and work things out. I have been a bit manic trying to get her back. She meets me now and then but only to be friends and have the kids together.
I have tried suicide […]
I don’t expect anyone to actually read this longish post, but I just really wanted to speak to my mind to someone, somewhere…
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I will know when it’s “time”, and I realized that I have to force myself to walk forward, that there will be no special sign for me. I don’t know if any of you have ever watched fullmetal alchemist, but I’ve been considering the scene where Ed chooses to burn down his him, his memories, the only place he had to return to so that he could not back out of the decision he made.
Although […]
and he was online … she was too .. he said “hey” and ever since they are talking on Facebook .. she was having a foot injury out of something stupid that caused a metal piece .. get sticked into her foot .. she told him that , he said ” I feel really bad when a beautiful girls like you get hurt” ..
they kept talking for a days .. and then she said .. I’m going out tomorrow to the collage .. if you wants to go with me give me your phone number .. and he does .. and they kept talking […]
this song …..
this is about suicide, this is about me, trying to take that step…
Well… I fucked up my first year of college, so I’m cleaning up the mess. I panicked and stopped going to class. Failed almost all of them due to lack of attendance. BUT. I start CNA classes soon. It’ll only take a couple of weeks, so I won’t have time to flip shit before it’s over and there’s no pressure to be so vastly intelligent. As long as I can take care of these people, I’m good. I know I can. I’ve been helping the CNAs that work in the same building as me for quite some time.
I feel so stupid most of the […]
once upon a time
… there was a girl , soo confident one , passionate , strong , powerful , attractive , with a SMILE upon her face all the time … she was drawing on a wall … drawing a TREE and a CROW …
listening to Breaking Benjamin “Had Enough” song named …
a guy … we’re staring at her .. with an idiot look .. looked soo stupid to her ,, and she didn’t care …
then she had a cup of coffee with him and few friends .. he was a friend of hers .. he tried to impress her .. so he said he […]
Wow, where do I even begin? I guess I’ll start by introducing myself. My name is Illya. I’m a 28 year old guy from Belgium. Why am I on this forum? I just wanted to share my story. No one in my life knows what I’m about to write. Not even my mother knows everything. She knows several things, but not all of it. I have no idea why I’m writing this down. I know it’s completely insignificant, but I guess I just need it.
I’ll start with my youth. I never knew my father. I only heard stories about him. He was a bad man […]
I am losing control, I am losing myself, I have held on to me for so long, but my grasp of reality is slipping, I feel it, with every word that is spoken to me, with every look that’s given, I fall more, I lose myself more, I am drifting back to that pool of sadness that last time almost ate me whole.
Im quite , i hear them talking & laughing wishing i was able to do the same , but i cant im afraid . They talk louder i try to quite down the voices in my head so i can listen i hear them talking about a video they watched of this girl that attempted suicide & they were dying in laughter saying shes stupid and why would she do that its all for attention but honestly its not . Thats been said to me & all i could do is stay quite because noone listens to me anyway , if it was for attention […]
I quit my job thinking i would be able to make something for myself. of myself. that i would be able to use what i create to support myself. now i see. i cant do this. i cant cope with being alone with my thoughts. i was just on another fucking high. and now i have crashed. i wish i could really see this up down fucking bollocks for what it is… it’s so obvious when i’m coming down, but every time i come up i genuinely believe that this time its forever, everything is better, everything is good. its bullshit. i ALWAYS fall back […]
I am hellish.
It took me a while to finish that sentence. Today, I was exposed to the revelation that I am that friend. That person; I am changing. I found myself today, in one of those common ruts, depressed and anxious to the extent that I could not keep a facade on my face.
These friends of mine are lovely. They do not judge me openly. They listen. The trouble is, you never know what they’re thinking, hearing you speak, watching you move – or not move at all. But today I did something I never have done. I demanded affection.
A friend […]
My life is defined by fear. It is always there, at the back of my mind. It’s hard to live with. A part of you always telling you that something is terribly wrong, and you need to drop everything, this instant, to resolve the threat.
What am I so afraid of? There’s all the normal stuff, of course. Death, aging, disease, violence. But beyond that, I’m afraid that I can never experience a meaningful relationship, or really connect with anyone. That my life will always be this empty lie, trying to hide how worthless I am from those around me. Never facing the world honestly, or […]
I have matured in many ways and lived a good life but it seems im back in that useless hole again… no one can get me out only myself and i need to start searching for my motivation its a jourmey that will be painful but it has to be done or else i will keep feeling like this; this sorrow this uselessness and without hope. I starting a journey again and i want to be able to break out of this again.
The game starts off with a breaking news report that people from a small African country has contracted a new disease called Hypnolaria. It’s a 3 stage disease. The first stage causes people to come down with exitied delirium, hallucinations, and insomnia. The second stage occurs when the symptoms stop and go into a hibernation period. During this time, immunizing the victims is still possible. The third stage appears when the person becomes very ill and dies. During this final stage, the illness is airborne and will likely cause a pandemic that will wipe out the worlds population. By this time, there is no cure,
The […]
I’m so angry. I get so angry that my hands shake and that i forget to breathe. I’m angry because I can’t change anything. Being angry makes me angry. Having to see her face infuriates me beyond belief. I’m angry because I still have 2 more years of this stupid shit to deal with. 2 more years until I can leave and never look back. The thing is, I wanted to look back, and see my family and see my dad and know that I had a home. Im angry because I know how how it’s gonna end. He’s gonna die and i’m never going […]