So basically i dont know what to do.
Ive had depression for a few years now. When i was about 8 my dad started to get drunk a lot and he would hit me randomly. At first i didnt care but as time went on he started to hit me more and harder. But when i was ten i told my dad i wanted to try boxing and then he stood up barely because he was drunk as fuck and he was like “so you want to do boxing?” Then he punched me as hard as he could and i cried a little and he […]
So if you read my last post then you might know that I’ve been depressed since around seventh grade. So around that time (or maybe eighth grade, I don’t remember) I stumbled across this site and made an account. So, yes, this is my second account. I’m certain I made a few posts on here (or maybe one post) on that account, and I have this strange longing to find them or it and read it all. I know, it’s nearly impossible with the amount of posts, plus I don’t know my previous username, or what the post was even called. I know what you’re […]
I’ve never done anything like this before. I guess I’m just looking for anything or anyone to save me. I’ve been depressed all my life. Things have happened and everyone seems to always try and justify them..along with myself. I tried so hard to push it the back of my mind , I just want to forget it all. It’s always something happening, and I can’t escape for any of it. I feel stuck. I’m drowning my own self. I’m loosing this battle . It’s scary. I always think that maybe one day I’ll just have enough…and I’ll loose. It scares the living shit out […]
i focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real
it’s been 5 years since i last marred my pale skin,
gave it some bloody color
i sat there and cried
only knowing one thing for sure,
knowing i dont wanna know.
i sat there and smoked through 2 marlboro black 100s
pressed against me
flesh bubbly like a teenager high off their first crush
and when the light on the tip of my smoke started to dim, almost going out,
i’d take it away, take a hard pull, breath in the horror deep and slow
and then push it back against me,
harder than before.
i think i might be ready to go now
Oh, and I’m passing for a boy now, as long as I don’t open my mouth. Fuck yeah. My brother’s friends call me Matt. Fuck yeah.
I finished my research paper.
I talked to a counselor about a LGBT support group.
I took my pill today.
My grandma hasn’t called up yet to drag my ass back to her house to rot in a pious censored environment.
For the first time in 14 years on this cracked polluted smelly grey earth, I’m myself.
If you think about it, everything on this earth is essentially shit, or at least some form of shit.
FUCK YEAH. SHOUT IT. 4 more years and I’m free […]
Last day tomorrow.
Going to go for a walk in the morning, maybe take the dog out.
I’ll get my haircut. I feel all unkempt.
Might have a shave, might not. Only shaved a couple of days ago.
I’m just going to spend the afternoon sitting in the garden, staring at the sky.
Even if the heavens open, I’ll be out there.
Like some lonely sentry, guarding his post to the last man.
I think about how far I’ve come in the past two years.
And I realize I’m right back where I started.
Fuck.
Where do i start well first and most importantly i love my family but sometimes i feel they dont love me back.I have been having these thoughts for a while now,everything in my life is just gone wrong.For one i cant find a girlfriend but that’s mostly because deep down inside im really afraid of rejection.My sister is on dyalisis and needs a kidney,so me and my mother take of her together because my sisters father was deported a while ago and he has never took […]
So, I have just confessed to my boyfriend of almost 5 months that I have come to the conclusion that I’m gay. It was possibly one of the most awful things I have had to do. He cried. He loves me. I love him. But I cannot make myself feel sexually attracted to him. I have always thought that I am probably gay but I since I had only dated one guy before him I thought maybe I just wasn’t attracted to that guy in particular. I was going through the same motions as I was in the previous relationship. Except this time I was […]
I’ve always had a number of acquaintances but not many close friends. Relationships have always occurred at a distance – like walking down a beach and seeing people off in the distance. People don’t seem to knock at my door -and I spend holidays alone (hate holidays). I make flippant comments to strangers – some smile, some think I’m insane. I tell my stories to grocery store clerks and baristas – a captive audience who smile but don’t ask if I’m okay. I get phone calls from telemarketers and medical receptionists – would you like to buy some gold – hello Mr Eaton your doctors […]
Opiate withdrawals can go fuck off! I beat you again heroin, you cruel *****. I’m not letting you back in my life! I’m taking back control, for good.
Last night as I started to go to sleep I felt fear. It was odd because I had spent an hour on the phone with a good friend. I think the contrast of my talk with her and my empty apt and life was too much for me. I finally journaled about it and that helped some. But it was late and I was still awake- again for the umpteen time.
Finally I realized something. I was fighting control. Control of my emotions, control of sleeplessness. Fighting the feeling I am not whole, never will be. And maybe half dozen other active fears. :-< As I […]
So why continue the relationship? From one day to the next. Thank you for beautiful relationship, goodbye. WTF? How am I supposed to react to that? How am I supposed to breath after that? I’ve tried calling lots of therapist today in hopes of seeing someone, all of them say leave a message and they will get back to me. Thanks for nothing. I feel like I’m never going to be okay. I’m never going to get back to me. Whatever small shell of that I had in the first place. I thought I had finally gotten it right and then bam the wind is […]
I used to ask the god I believe in to put all of my families burdens on myself instead of them. For them to be able to live peaceful happy lives at the cost of my own life. I would never take that back, and I still would say the same today. I can’t complain that my own life is not easy. Maybe it’s really just all of this coming to fruition. My family is happier and more peaceful than I have ever seen them and in this time of happiness I am completely seperate from them all. Miles and miles seperate us locking me […]
I’m soaked back into that mood, that one that seems no matter where you are everything is pointless nothing to gain. Nothing ahead of yourself, nothing planned, nothing going as planned, and surely nothing I want is ahead of me. It’s like clock work of suicidal thoughts, it’s hits tremendously hard at times, then there’s the barable and okay. It’s amazing of how badly I can think myself into this, loneliness has to be one of the biggest things, right behind the uselessness of myself. It all just hurts and I need to get it out someway.
They think you’re crazy.
They think you’re mad.
They call you stupid, worthless, tell you you’re not worth it.
Now you’re walkin’ back, to a place you call home,
but you feel so alone.
The same hurtful hits, it’s your darker place.
In your virgin ears, the remarks they make.
And if they, if they really knew all of those things.
That you do in your room, to hide the pain.
I bet their minds would change.
I’ll bet their minds would change.
They’d change, If they knew the pain.
I believe in these scars, I believe.
into the flood again…
same old trip it was back then…
It’s interesting how much human sorrow derives just from not having someone to love. Love, such a small word yet so powerful. It changes who we are from the core to the surface. Love is the trigger for every human emotion you can think of; happiness, sadness, rage, confusion. Love can make you feel all those things.
Reading through these stories I notice almost all of them have a common denominator; love. A good percentage of the people here just want someone to love that loves them back. Goes without saying, a little love can save a life. Humans, such simple creatures after all. Much […]
I feel stupid. Maybe this whole being intelligent thing isn’t for me. Everyone in my family is smart, so that means there is a chance I am just stupid right? Maybe if parents understood how depressed I feel than they wouldn’t say these things to me, like “don’t you understand college will be 10x harder, or why are you taking those classes you’re never going to do well in them”. I think the real problem is I carry more on my shoulders than they think, so they should just back of. If they weren’t so on top of me, and making me feel like sh*t […]
Me and my boyfriend went to a party a while back where I drank for the first time and I liked it. While I was drunk something snapped in place and I felt better… I’ve been drinking a lot since then and my boyfriend made me promise to stop… but I can’t. And I have been trying to since I promised… should I tell him I still am drinking?
I’m sat in my room right now just singing out loud and it takes me back to every time someone has caught me doing this.
When I’m gone I hope you all think back to these moments
My sister’s reaction would be to turn her music up louder than me.
My brother would complain about wailing cats.
There we those two friends who’d come in and sing with me.
Or the one who’d just smile and dance along.
And the one who wanted to jam and mash up my song with his.
And sure, some would complain and tell me to shut up.
But there were those who’d let me finish and then […]