I miss my sex drive. i hope i get it back one day. i dont want to live like this. my health problems make me want to kill myself.
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In less than 24 hours it will be the one year anniversary of my suicide. Just typing that now the tears swell in my eyes. I’m left with multiple organ damage, some nerve damage and a dying heart valve that causes an arrhythmia. Memories that were so special are blurs and I’m but a shadow of my shadow. I meant every second of my suicide and it was the only time I’ve ever felt free. Free of pain: mentally, physically and emotionally. Free of fear, free from my past, free from the numbness and so alive that night is burned in me. The sensation was […]
still seeking the refuge, hit my back up.
In fourth grade I moved to a new school..I was heavier than most of the students there and they made sure I knew. They constantly bullied me n called me fat and said worst thing about me. My teacher even pulled me by my hair and threw me into the principles office. I always went home crying. After that year I moved schools. I made sure I worked out so I wasn’t as fat by the time 5th grade came, I entered that school (I left my grammas house n moved in with my mom) I made some friends but I still heard the words […]
Bidding will begin next year. It should be done in 2018, and they estimate it will cost $76 million.
Based on the new span of the SF-Oakland Bay Bridge, a portion of which collapsed after the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake, I’m betting it will be completed between 2020 and 2025 (depending upon how many times they have to go back for more money when it goes w-a-y over budget).
(Originally, retrofitting the Bay Bridge was estimated at $230M, but then they said it would cost that much to replace it. Of course, a vanilla looking bridge wouldn’t due, so they settled on a […]
I wonder if I should just remain eternally at 16,
just stopping time in its track before it strikes 12 before the 16th of July.
Should I fufill the promise of 10 years ago,
and put an end to this chapter,
or should I break it to stay?
Time whipping by before my eyes,
this deed long over dued,
I’m living on borrowed time.
To disappear into foam while looking at the sky,
to be one with that nothingness that I loved,
to merge with the being known as emptiness and be non-existant.
Strangely I feel content,calm even,
I’m at peace, I am one with myself,
the summer breeze toys with my hair- and I look out into […]
For the uninitiated, narcissism is a personality disorder that has (almost) nothing to do with vanity, as we commonly understand it. In a nutshell, “their behavior tends to be erratic, manipulative and centered around themselves. In some cases, a person suffering from this condition can become both physically and emotionally abusive…”
“Typically, those with this condition are unable to relate to the emotions of other people, and see any form of criticism as a personal attack. They may react with extreme rage or violence in these situations, or turn the words of their perceived attacker around to make themselves look like victims.”
A little background: my mother […]
It’s oddly werid really,
how the sorrow comes back after every laugh,
The slight stinging sensation,
Prickling my numbing hurt.
I loved her, I really do,
She was my all , my everything , the love of my life,
and everything that I could ask for,
I promised to protect her forever , and yet it was me who made that promise a never.
I hurt her, I caused her worry, I made her grieve,
All because of my twisted thoughts, my twisted ways and twisted being.
I ruined her, her present ,her future,
And there’s nothing I can do apart from saying a miserable ” I’m sorry” that can never help with anything.
She smiles, she […]
Iv decided that tomorrow afternoon is the perfect day for me to kill my self. I live with just my mom and sister and they’re leaving out of town for three days early tomorrow morning at about 5am. The last words my mom told me is I don’t want you to be here (in my house) when I get back. I’m gonna do something even better for her when they leaves later that day I’m gonna lock my self in my room nail it shut with a nail gun. Then I’m going to shoot myself in the head. She chose some great last words for […]
You’re birth exsist through my pain, fear, and loneliness. You’re always putting me down and telling me to end every bit of life I try to grasp on. You always echo the problems in my life ” you’re dad fucking hates you if you died tonight he’d kick you in the whole he digs himself” or ” she turned you down because you’re an ugly piece of shit you arnt good at anything all you are is a fuck up to society somebody kill him now. I try giving in to him but I get scared 2/3 of me want to die but something […]
Today was the first day in several months I woke up NOT feeling severely suicidal. I’ve been trying really hard to break through these feelings of worthlessness and find a way to make a life for myself no matter what the cost. But it’s clear to me now that everyone absolutely fucking despises me and I deserve to be in a box underground. The first thing that happens is I log into facebook and my brother’s wife (one of the only people in my life) logs off IMMEDIATELY when she sees i’m online. Second, I ask a customer service person where to find royal mail boxes […]
Hi guys I’m back my computer broke and I got a new phone so here I am how are you guys and also been busy with the band
I don’t understand why people try to sugarcoat self harm & suicide. Just stop. Stop thinking of it as a beautiful tragedy or a ‘tiger who earned their stripes.’ It’s really annoying. OH, and my favorite is when people don’t care about you until something bad happens. Fuck everyone. I hate society, I really do. Back to the sugarcoating part. It’s almost like people like to encourage self harm. You think that people are proud of the things they do? Things like this? Wow. Get your shit together people. I am proud of people who fight against hate though, you walk around with scars showing? […]
It dawned on me a moment ago that its very possible it could happen. Although I’d like to think you’re a stronger person than that, I felt I had to tell my end of it..
When you left me here alone, you took a part of me I can never get back. Not just your love and affection and the world beneath my feet.. But you took away my reason to fight, my reason to live. And because you knew it would destroy me, and still felt it was for the better, that part of me that fought for something more left with my undying […]
AN: I just joined this website and this was something that I wrote a while back when I was down.I don’t happen to have any mental disorders or abnormalities and the disorders written in here are merely words that flowed into my mind when I was down. I don’t mean to offend anyone here , I’m just sharing my poem. It’d be great if anyone replied though…
The horrors of my mind,
they haunt my days and night.
I’m afraid to close my eyes,
for I know that it is there where they reside.
I’m so empty that it scares me.
Purplish bruises form below my eyes,
I hardly sleep
and yet I […]
My parents don’t know im suicidal and ive been thinking about it more and more…Today i went out with my bestfriend whom they both trust. We went to a bonfire. Left. He got lost and when we got back to town we grabbed some food but the chef was gone and our food took forever. Basic basically i came home 30 minutes late and they start snapping on me. Talkimg about respect. I seriously hate them, they compare me to my brother who lies to them all the time and does a lot of drugs. But they don’t know that and flip on me for […]
I was able to hang out with a friend, more like sister, that I haven’t seen in what seems like forever. In reality, it was a few months but to us, it felt like lifetimes. We used to see each other every day. She is my sorority sister and we were colleagues. She left the job that we shared because of mistreatment so we didn’t get to see each other every day. Well, we both knew how difficult the job is so we would take turns doing something every week for each other. It helped keep our sanity and our depression in check. Well, she […]
Okay, so I’ve had writers block for awhile and I’m having a tough time getting back into writing songs. Do you guys have any suggestions of what I could do, or even give me topics/idea’s I could write about? Trying to get suicide off my mind…
A few weeks ago me and my fiance were to pick my mom up for an appointment she had. I opened the door all I saw was her legs and pills everywhere. I ran to her screaming “MOM”. She could speak she threw up all over herself her eyes were red. She looked so hopeless! My fiance got on the phone called an ambulance they came and asked her what she took all she kept saying was ” 5 bottles”, all we saw was Percocets on the floor. After she was brought to the ER and was settled we went back to her place to […]
Sitting here looking back at how I use to be, I can’t even remember what I was thinking.
Searching for razors in the cabinet, was like seeking treasure.Frustration running through my veins when I couldn’t find one and I had resorted myself to using a kitchen knife, later on hiding that knife. The feel of a sharp blade pressed against my skin, consciously aware that I’ll be dripping soon and the adrenaline rush. It was like an external use of drug. As I grazed my skin with the razor, my level of satisfaction increased and my care for the world and the people around me diminished. It […]