As I begin to lay down for another sleepless night, I ponder at the thought of just dying. Of taking my own way out because the anxiety and depression have overwhelmed me and once again beat my ragged body to nothing. My legs now quiver and my heart beat echoes through the night. Yet, I’m confused of what I’m afraid of in the moment. The lifeless black surrounding me in the box I struggle to rest in, gives little comfort. So I’ll pull my ragged body off the ground, grab my razor, and put my mind to sleep.
Tag:
beat
TRIGGER WARNING
So I guess here’s a little about me. I choose not tell my age because I feel that just gives a reason for people to tell me that I have a long life ahead of me and things will get better and yada yada all the bullshit I’ve heard my entire life. Anyway, I have struggled with severe depression and anxiety since third grade as well as self harm and an eating disorder since fifth. I’ve attempted to kill myself twice before, the first one was not serious and I was in 8th grade and my mom found me and forced me to take […]
So far today I’ve almost beat the hell out of my *****-in-law…
Then they left to do things.
They came back with alcohol… wonderful…
So, I guess the wait for an argument to start is underway.
Let’s hope this doesn’t get nasty.
My boyfriend of two years has left me and i cant go on.
I know this seems drastic but my life has not been easy and this is the final straw.
I was abused by my grandfather from an early age and because of this was unable to have children, (hysterectomy at 21)
My stepfather used to beat us instead of facing his issues with his father. And our mother beat us because defending us caused her to be beaten.
I have two failed marriages and i cant cope any more.
I love this man with all my heart but he has chosen to leave.
I have reserched […]
So.. I’m officially homeless homeless. I was already homeless but at least I had a motel room but now I don’t even have that. Of course this happens the day it snows and just as it’s about to be -12 outside. Negative twelve degrees fahrenheit. I don’t EVER remember it being that cold here. Adding insult to injury, my sciatica pain is off the charts today AND my period just started which is always extremely painful, to the point of throwing up and passing out.
I do love how pretty the snow is but even that is making me sad. It sucks being so completely alone.
I […]
I’ve been on several websites for suicide now. All forums. I suppose I keep coming to search for something. Maybe a reply that says it’s okay. I’m an atheist, so I don’t want to hear anything that has to do with your Jesus, Allah, etc. I also don’t want to hear anything about waiting longer for shit might actually change in two, three, or ten years. I’ve been depressed since I was in middle school. I’m 21 now. It started when I was a child. It’s obviously the cause for my stupidity to begin with. My childhood was filled with many forms of abuse. My […]
“Glenfidich, clean.”
“I’m going to have to see an ID. I mean, anyone who orders a Glenfidich probably has drank a time or two in their life, but you look kind of young.”
I flashed my license, she responded in a quick nod and vanished into some back area out of view. My vacant stare scanned the activity of the airport terminal. I had gotten three hours sleep, and in the midst of my loose focus, all of the crowds flowed by in bright blurs.
The cling of the glass behind me signaled the arrival of my best friend. I smiled at the server, nervously nursing the bitter […]
why is death the only answer? what happen if i succeed only to find that it hurts on the other side? where does this anguish come from and why cant i beat it? why cant i be a normal person? why do so many of us suffer from this? why cant life be simple and easy? why do people prevent me from having work, a place to live and food to eat? why cant i abide by the rules? so many questions, too few answers
Why is it that everytime I turn around someone’s telling me that I put myself in this place? I dug myself this hole and I’m keeping myself 10feet under.. If I could for one day feel “normal” (whatever society considers that) then I would be in a heart beat but I don’t ask to see think and feel the things I do. I don’t ask for the flashbacks or nightmares and I don’t ask for the emptiness.. But whatever maybe it’s something I deserve maybe and fuck being “normal”
It started out with being fired and then it went to trying to come off paxhell! Rapid heart beat…hospitalization for the first time for panic attack. Its been a slow downward spiral for 6 months. Two days ago i realized all this pain is my fault and i can’t take it anymore. I can’t take the ocd and the guilt, the derealization, the pills. I can barely hold down my job. Im afraid im going to give up. I can’t take it. Waiting to see this specialist and this specialist. Im so embarrassed but i dont have the energy to wait anymore. Im so tired […]
StruggleOn here! Part fennec fox and part dead again. And I have nowhere to trust but here so…
Shit has been going on. Its all just bullshit though. You know when you try so hard for somebody but nothing makes them better? That’s kind of how this is. I don’t even care if it helps I just need it to be accepted. Again and again I am beat down. Hopelesness once again engulfed me. Now I’m stuck. I feel helpless and confused and wonder if I’ll ever deserve somebodies love…
I bought what I now know was a cheap tongue piercing a month ago.Earlier I was at a friends house & the plastic on my piercing came off but I didn’t know.I was drinking water & felt It going down my throat. I drank a lot water to swallow It but I couldnt.I tried to throw it up but I couldn’t.I felt my breathing & heart beat start to slow down.I started to get terrifed,I was seconds away from telling my friend to take me to the hospital but I didn’t wanna seem like a *****.Plus he didn’t have a ride.I was sitting there scared […]
Have you ever wanted to die, like, it’s all I really have ever wanted. Hell the first time I tried to kill myself I was 8. But no matter what I can’t because of my family, because I’m scared to death of hurting them. Even though they’re the ones who kicked me out because I called them out on stealing hundreds from me, the people who abused me and beat me no matter how much I cried, the people who screamed how useless, lazy and worthless I was in front of Everyone I knew when I was in 4th grade because I got a D. […]
I’ve stopped worrying when I think about death at night. It’s when it visits in the morning that causes concern. I’ve somehow made it through 50 years…lived a lifetime with bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder…and I’m still here. Somehow I have to beat the odds.
So far, I am.
Goodnight world. Perchance to dream- perchance to sleep…
I used to be so much. I used to be a firefighter and when i would show up on the scene of a suicide I would always wonder how low does someone have to be to do that. I understand now. I have so much hate built up inside. The things that I once loved have turned away from me. The woman i love would rather be beat by a drug addict than be with me. I stay around for my mom, but it’s getting so bad I’m sure she would be better off without me too. I want to see my sister she’s been […]
I saw an updated photo of my ex. I kind of miss him. I wish things were like they were before – when we actually got along. When we weren’t at each others throats. I loved him, and while seeing that picture of him today, I realized I still do. It makes me regret what I said about his mother that much more. I didn’t mean it, but it was still a low blow. He was mad at me at the time – we were fighting about something, and he said something that had offended me. I don’t remember what it was, it must have […]
I don’t know what I am supposed to do. That’s what I’ve boiled down all my twisted, suppressing, diminishing thoughts into. I’m not content with what I have, or what I’m working towards in regards to my life and career. I’ll be able to live happily, comfortably, and better than some. Not that I’m saying I’ll be rich but I wont be living on the streets either. Somehow that’s not enough for me, I know it’s not just jealously or envy pushing me down since I’ve been in this state before, or should I say most of the time.
I go through what I call ‘my […]
So g-ma was batshit crazy mommy is batshit crazy now turns out the star child is batshit crazy too but I’m too smart to try and die like mommy and too many people know my name for me to disappear like mommy wanted me to. I got left twice before daddy stepped in and at least I have a room to be left in. Lucky for me another she came along and we ended up going to the same schools. I used to cut a lot and it felt so good but she hates it so I got on my knees and promised her I […]
So… I really don’t know where to start or what I’m even meant to say… My head is so full of racing thoughts that I can’t even work out what the thoughts are, they’re just a complete mess. I don’t want this anymore, I don’t want to live like this. I’ve tried so hard to beat it but I can’t fight anymore, I’m pretty sure fighting with your own mind is impossible anyway? I feel like there’s nothing left to do… I just desperately need to end this, I need to hurry up and do it. I just wish that this guilt wouldn’t stop me/ […]
You read the title, where’s he gone? Does anybody know?
PS. Damn you Zoogle if you beat me to ‘it’.