Never been so low, didnt know. That I could fall so far covered in scars. Caused by the drugs I use, I abuse. Shit. It wasnt written in the stars its the life I choose. Whats it to you? If I hurt myself, nobody else, self destruct. Fuck health. Aint no one got time for that…So, Ima grab another sack. Lay back and pray I never wake up. Cause I cant get my cake up, while starin in the face of, this dark hearted demon, i just feel like leaving, everything ive known everytime that Im fiendin. No sleepin no eatin, barely even human. Constant […]
Hello:)
This will be a rather quick synopsis of my suicidal attempts and what led up to them and how I managed past them but the story should come across anyways.
First Attempt:
I was about 14 at this time, and had started cutting. it wasn’t “severe” as it was mostly little scratches. I would only “cut” when I was super overwhelmed with my situation, or emotions. I had been seeing a guy for about a year, and was infatuated with him. One day, he decided to tell me that he had been cheating on me with his ex, but that I shouldn’t be worried because he can […]
I’m a little bit new to this whole blogging my feelings thing, but i can’t keep it to myself anymore. I hate myself, i dont know how or wen i did, or i think maybe i always have. I dont think ive ever been happy. When I was really little it was me my mom my dad and my little brother. I always try and remember my childhood as being happy and i’m always that one person to point out the good in any situation, but it’s time i tell the truth. My dad was a rug addict. my dad did crack and cocaine and […]
I’ve been wanting to kill myself for the past few days. I’m not healthy. I should talk to my psychiatrist and get my meds changed, but I don’t have the money to get new ones. I shouldn’t live. My moods flip-flopped for a day and then settled on depression. I can’t get out. Nothing is worth it. Not even my son, and he usually is. I can’t even cry anymore. How pathetic is that?
I am a diagnosed bipolar, twenty year old girl. And maybe it is just the depression talking. But I am so lost and I’m so on my own. I’m scared.
Fear is my biggest problem. Im so scared of everything. Scared to be on my own. Scared to run. Scared to hide. Scared to fly incase I fall. Scared to risk it all. Scared to die.
To die would be an awfully big adventure.
I’ve sat on my bed on days when I’m all alone in the house. I’ve taken pills, washed them down with vodka. But as soon as it started to hurt i made myself […]
Just because I don’t want to live, does mean I don’t want a good life, I don’t want to sit around an wait to die, funny the things you randomly ponder
i’m trying hard to keep my mind under control, with all these silly thoughts, and the frustration that builds up over things that aren’t that important, and also trying to ignore the temptation I’m having lately to drink
As I sit here typing this, I feel like such a mess, an I realise how far I’ve fallen, and how fast, even though I didn’t have far to go, I set the scene as a crazy […]
I had an appointment with my mental health team again today, or something that resembled that, as it was agnes again, the women who’s job a monkey could do, which sounds cruel I know, but she studied for what three to five years to be a counsellor, yet displays no professional skill, its like talking to one of my mums friends, or some women who just walked in off the street
To be honest I was in a mood, she started off by saying ‘what a lovely day, good day to get some washing out, do you ever hang out washing’ I didn’t reply, so […]
Its hard when you don’t really have anyone to turn to, it can be a lonely existence
Over the last year, I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut when I’m around the people in my life, because I know they are no longer interested in what I have to say, or how messed up I feel, but I guess I can’t blame them, but the one thing that makes me angry is when they say ‘I know how you feel’ or ‘I’ve been through the same thing’ its not a competition but if each person suffered the same, one treatment would work for everyone
Lately I’ve formed […]
Movies, books, video games, novels, comics, anime/manga, etc etc, basically human’s IMAGINATIONS is a hundred times FAR much more interesting than this very LIMITING reality / real-world / real-life here in this world!
and what’s even worse is that most (about 90%) of humans / people I meet & know everyday are mostly stupid, shallow, superficial, mundane/boring, money and profits and image driven only, ignorant,.. mostly human beings especially today these days are much more bad & hopeless ..!!
(there are -thankfully/luckily?- only FEW humans/people that I like, eg: the very creative/imaginative & ‘other-worldly’ artists who created/made all those awesome fantasy, sci-fi stories, novels, books, […]
I love all kinds of music. However there’s few songs that grab hold and this is one. I could die listening to this. Â (Not that I am, just saying)
So what would your last song be?
So, I had an appointment at exactly 10 o’clock sharp this morning to see a psychiatrist, whom I’ll be seeing frequently now, as well as two other counselors.
Anyways, the session was HORRID.
I was taken to the “Nurse’s Office” to be weighed, my height to be checked, blood pressure was taken, and last to have my pulse checked, followed by a series of medical questions.
Then taken a few doors down to the psychiatrist, who was a nice older lady, who talked about my cat sweater I’m wearing.
Being aware that I’m usually being questioned one on one, I figured it would be her asking me the questions, […]
The one thing that most people associate with Bipolar is bad husbands with anger issues. It might sound stereo-typical but for the majority that is true. You have to be extremely carefull not to share your anger/disappointment as it can erupt in the drop of a hat and you wig out. I am a much more “peacefull” bipolar case than the usual but only due to the fact that I had grown up with the rage and it keeps me in check…most of the time…but I can rage with the best of them.
They say that Bipolar is inherited and it shows. My dad has serious […]
Things become complicated when talking about the source of my depression…Â Apart from the Bipolar and the usual day to day naturaly occurring depression, there is almost certainly a third…
Appologies for the length of the post, I hope someone is bored enough to read the whole thing ;)Â I just wanted to post it in case I had to explain things again at some point…
I have a fairly rare connective tissue disorder called Marfan’s Syndrome. About one in every 5000 people are affected. The condition is extremely hard to diagnose and I was only diagnosed by the age of 28. As a baby, I refused […]
I don’t know what’s triggering my depression, but I want to know. It’s driving me fucking nuts and I want an answer. I’m suffering from bipolar disorder and that can cause it, but WHAT THE HELL GAVE ME THE BIPOLAR DISORDER?! At this point, I don’t know. I’m about two seconds away from having a major anxiety attack mainly because I had a dream about me being happy. I woke up and I wanted to cry. I need help. Like, really. My depression is getting out of control and I want to end my life, but deep down in a dark and secretive side of me, […]
I really miss that happy and funny smile
that laugh that come from the bottom of your heart.. now it’s different.. it’s a.. I don’t know what it is.. but nobody notice that..
sometimes I’m tired of getting drunk to feel that extremely happiness that I used to feel every second of my life.. it was always there.. that happiness was my best friend.. now I only have a few friends.. thousands of “Friends” and other thousands of haters (I think that fighting with them halp me to remember that happiness..)
I miss my smile..
Im will still waiting for that ***** because I’m tired […]
Ever felt so broken that nothing can fix you? So shattered that you couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again, even if you wanted to?
Have you ever had anyone fix you? Someone who ran around for weeks and months trying to pick up the pieces of your tattered soul? I did. I felt destroyed before her. Like there was nothing on the inside. She’s gone now, and her leaving made me realise that there really was nothing on the inside. I actually thought she’d fixed me. Not the half assed job that any dipshit in a suit with a PHD was capable of. No, really […]
It’s very true. I don’t know how else to put it. I don’t know how to make people understand. Just when I think I move on it has the rubber band effect and it just it pulls and pulls and pulls and then it hits harder than it did before. My family isn’t helping, in fact they make me feel way worse. Maybe I should do it. Maybe i need to do it. I don’t see my reason for being on this earth anymore. I just want someone. I’ve been praying and asking ,but i’m just tired of asking for someone. I need my self […]
I am not going into full detail of all the shit that made me who I am today but I’ll give you a little summary.
I was bullied horribly and pretty severely at a private school with 100+ kids and 20 kids in the grade. You were with the same people your whole pre-k to 8th year.
I contemplated suicide at the age of 11 and still do. I wouldn’t let my mom leave because the thoughts of it were overwhelming. She didn’t leave without me but she didn’t take it seriously. I was really going to take a knife and stab myself in the stomach. She didn’t […]
so.. tomorrow I’m turning 28.. I guess this is like journalling to me.. with the hopes someone out there actually gives a shit..
but I’ve had a long story with depression and stuff.. and I think I’m finally coming around the bend.. kids.. take note.. I just recently broke up w my gf.. I went fkin psycho on her like most of my ex girlfriends.. and it was going so good and she was so nice.. very beautiful.. and we both liked to hang out and party and drink.. she was pretty much the perfect companion.. well good enough for now.. and I fucked it all […]
I’m the kind of person who had a great childhood. I wasn’t abused or molested. My family loved me and even though I was kind of weird, I had friends. I was content with my life. But, then, in sixth grade, I discovered that I had a gluten intolerance. Then, everything went downhill.
I discovered self-harm as a seventh grader. I started scratching myself with paperclips. I thought it was normal because it seemed that that was how everyone else dealt with their problems. It was “cool.”
I don’t really remember eighth grade, but about halfway through my freshman […]