Kinda pathetic having this realization from an anime of all things but it actually spoke to me better than most people can. Anyways its this show called Watamote and it just had its final episode. Its about social anxiety ,loneliness, generally just things that I could relate these past few years (frustration from trying to make friends, no love life, no sense of fulfillment) which is the reason I started watching it and basically it ended on the note that after all she did nothing has changed and shes still lonely but the thing is she just laughs it off and says “it doesnt matter […]
Tag:
Bliss
i had to abandon my two best friends 4 months ago. we were three and we had that kind of friendship that we couldn’t stay all day without seeing each other. we were brothers.
my friendship had started with them and along with this friendship i started to do cocaine. we all did cocaine. we were three cokeheads. three junkies. but fuck! we were three mothercuking brothers, and that no one can deny.
but when i was with those brothers, i forget about my real ones. my real brothers. my brother, my sister and my parents. i forgot my family. i and i’m sorry for that, for […]
(I) IS THE EGO MAKER the false self (i am just is) to write what 1 thinks dont matter anymore bcuz 1 knows it is in the being the silence of nothing that i find myself as free immortal love primordial energy although i have chosen to loose myself and be a trolling bstad to survive i get angry and frustrated from that bliss i used to be my heart broke this is what causes me to want to suicide and i am very capable as i have done it b4 and was saved i live for other 1s there attachment and love to me […]
My head hurts right now, but not as much as my… thing that pumps blood? Heart! Oh yeah, I almost forgot I had one. Mangled, shot, and stabbed, and still breathing till this day. Quite impressive resilience.
Maybe it’s because college is here again, or I’m slipping into insanity already, but I started missing my ex again. Relapsing, if you would. It’s been getting stronger and stronger the past few days, even though it’s been 2 years already. And I don’t know why. I’ve even resorted to jacking it to her public profile pics on the Book of Faces. Probably my lowest low of all the […]
I’m slipping back into depression. For the first time in months I deliberately took a razor to skin and edged it in. The familiar slice and twinge offered a precious moment free of the past that haunts me. It felt so GOOD. So tremendously good. My wrist is aching for a gash right now, but I can’t. My wrists are clean. Under my clothes isn’t so pure. It’s the only thing that offers freedom from pain, and I can only imagine that deeper cuts and a tub of warm water would offer all the more bliss. I can’t. I can’t kill myself, can’t and won’t. […]
we are forever in the moment as 1 this dream a shared illusion  an eternal cycle of being and becoming and non being untill we find what we are looking for without fear our trueself we follow the trend and look outward but we seek in the wrong places 1 does not follow any religion but quoting jesus “the kingdom of heaven is within”  for we are like elastic bands we drop ourselfs into shit make ourselfs feel and experience negative things untill we finally break and release that energy and let go surrender our egos and fly and be free oceans of bliss and […]
But maybe you are there… the place I now want to be. Maybe we will meet, glass_music_cup… finally. Maybe you will be there and I can tell you. And, you can tell me. We can finally share without shame. We can embrace and feel at a level that others won’t until they do. Bliss.
Call for me. Reach for me. Tell me what to do… please. I am broken. Unloved. You know what I mean. Ready and prepared. In order… it’s all in order.
Meet me there. Please.
See you on the other side. Soon. Let this be the way out. Please.
I hate my kind.
I hate their faces, their ignorant smiles. I’ve grown to hate them indisciminatly. What the fuck is wrong with those people? Hollow minds inside puppets made to walk with rotten strings. Let yourself fall into the bliss of mindless simplicity. Almost life a hivemind, brainwashed and seemingly happy with it.
Go with the crowd or fall with the trash.
I do not claim to be a saint nor have my 21 years of existence given me enough experience in the way of life, but is it just me or everything seems so twisted. What happened to sincerity, kindness, generosity? All those concepts are almost […]
Within this twilight world
Lies emptiness and hate
I seek an epic journey
So that I might escape
Far away from this reality
To a world of ignorant bliss
I come from pain and torment
To embrace salvations kiss
I welcome a moment of hope
As short as it may be
But the hope always fades
And I am left empty
right now as i write this im crying tears, and i dont know why. I want to tell my mom that i cut and that i am slowly falling apart, but if i do how will i be the strong perfect big sister and daughter that everyone thinks i am? I love my sisters with all of my heart, but.im going to break soon, and i dont want them to see it. I also dont want to call someone or some organization, because i know that i will probabaly just get put on hold. But i guess thats life? That brings me to a new […]
The dreams call to me
Listen, listen they whisper
We’ll show you who you really are
So I delve in hopeful, full of wonder and disregard for the waking hell I live in
Hoping for some kind of respite
Some relief from the pain I feel
But what I find is more than just real
I see myself in all my flaws
Grasping and the wind where my life just had been
All my loves all my joys all the reasons I live to wake for
Shown to me to hold once more
Before I wake and find I’m torn
Between these blissful nightmares and this despairing reality
Where love had been now replaced by hate
In dreams I […]
I rather die now rather then later, i have thought of death since i was 5 or so and thought of ways to go to do the deed, i am 24 now . I was married for 3 years to my highschool sweetheart. I work at a hospital and love the place. I am mostly known as a bright , outgoing happy go lucky girl, but I much rather die. There is this pain that I am always surrendered to, a feeling of almost bliss when I surrender that yes its my time to die. I feel calm and the pain seems to make since […]
So I decided to end my life once again. And once again I failed. I had the noose around my neck, I was getting tunnel vision as everything faded, bliss filling me, and I stood back up. I’m far too heavy to actually hang myself on like the ceiling fan whilst standing on a chair and kicking it away, so I go for partial suspension which is all it really takes. I tie my bathrobe into a noose and tie it in my closet, slip my head through, tighten it and kneel. I don’t know why I do it, but each time I get back up right […]
I am truly in love with the man i let go. I let him go because i felt like i knew i just didnt love him anymore. Two years of bliss and i let it all go. We fought a lot. He was a marine, 6 states away from me. We had an apt together where he never really was able to enjoy. He was supposed to come home to me and we were to have a future together but i let it all go. He told me i would regret it and at the time i was sure to let him go.
Ive been battling […]
When the sun sparkles, it makes me glad. A gleam of a smile, it’s nothing like sad.
The flowers arise and the draft sways the trees. Â Mommy, can I go outside please?
A luminous colour of green showers the turf, oh how much I love the earth.
A crack. A cling. A noise from above.
The thunder breaks as I clench my velvet glove.
The sky dims over the splendour, I crouch down, am I the only to surrender?
The devious rain, slashing at my back, something’s coming, something I lack.
Mommy rushes over, gripping my arm. Runs to the house, takes me to the warm.
I look out the window, look out […]
I wear a smile well, it’s my best accessory
I do it because I know it’s necessary
Behind the smile it’s revealed I’m dying inside
And it’s amazing the world buys all the lies.
Nobody will ever know
That the pain doesn’t let me go
It will haunt me until the day I die
I don’t want my tears to stain the world outside.
Trapped in a world I’m not good enough for
What am I still doing here?
Only in death will I find some of bliss
I know that I won’t be missed.
It’s always the same, every day is the same struggle, same shit, I don’t want to do this any more. I don’t want to be this person any more, sitting in this shit room in a house that isn’t mine with strangers, and nobody to talk to. I’m oh so tired, no exhausted, of trying to find happiness. It just continually eludes me. I want to go. I want to give up. Then I think about how devastated I’d be If I lost any of my family, and I can’t do it, I can’t do that to them, so I’m stuck, this shell of a […]
I don’t want to die, but…
There are times, last night for example, when it’s all I can do to hang on to whatever I can to keep from doing something I can never take back. Those nights where the blackness has swirled up around me to grasp at my throat and just choke the life out of me.
It’s a difficult thing to explain, but I’ll do my best. Here’s how I’ve described it to my therapists.
It’s like there are two people inside of me. There’s me, and then there’s the dark me. We’ll call the ‘me’ that’s okay #1 and the dark me #2. #1 […]
For those who might care.I’m finaly done installing myself into what is gonna be my new home for at least 3 years(unless I off myself).I am now all alone in the city of Sudbury in Ontario.The isolation is crushing.I wandered this new house for about an hour because I had no idea how I should pass my time.This week of bliss where I was to busy to think is done and I’m struggling to occupy my mind.
In about a week my college studies are gonna start.I wonder if everyone is gonna be shit like where I lived or if I’m actualy going to meet some […]
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