Why am I still here? I have everything prepared for my death. I have a miserable life and I don’t want to improve anything because I have absolutely no strength to do so and I hate life anyway. I believe that good moments aren’t worth living for. And it’s not worth to live as me especially. I’m damaged to the point where nothing can make me happy. So, what the hell am I waiting for. Is it just fear of the unknown? Is it just because I can’t imagine not being able to observe life anymore, or what will they do with my body, or […]
I find some sick satisfaction in judging others. I always compete. I always need to be better than anyone else. I always fail to be. I’m so negative. I loathe myself. My body is so hairy, even as a female, because I have PCOS and Hirsutism. My stomach is HUGE even though I lost 30lbs (I went from 140 to 110 last year but I look 150. I’m 5ft 3). My wardrobe is that of a 5th grader. I can’t afford anything new. I’m always afraid I’m going to be homeless. I have been dating a guy for 7 years who is abusive in all […]
I had an awful meeting with my doctor, but for some reason I feel much much better now. Adrenaline has taken over my body. I will probably crash later, but I feel fucking amazing right now.
I sit still awake at 11 am. The sun briefly hits my pale, pasty skin. My body aches, I am in excruciating agony. My pain threshold is finite, but it has been growing over the years. However, when the pain exceeds this mark, as it does daily, I am no longer competent. I cannot think clearly, I cannot do anything that requires thought. I wait. That’s the only thing I can do. There is no awareness, there is no relief, and there is no reason. Just pure unadulterated pain. I feel like a junkie, I have lost interest in everything and everybody, and I cannot […]
Every day I come home to being screamed at my family hurting me calling me worthless ect. I was just so tired ive been bullied since 4th grade I am a junior in high school and all the bullying bullshit hurts some people don’t know what bullying can cause to you I have scars all over my body but yet I liked the pain I felt when that raz0r would cut my skin and the blood drip on the floor I ran to my room and I got the razor 1cut,2cuts,3cuts,4cuts I looked down I was in my own puddle of blood I was and […]
I was reading about 70s teen heartthrob Andy Gibb and how he died right after his 30th birthday. The official cause of death was something about an inflammation of the heart after years of cocaine abuse. He had struggled with severe depression, but the family denied that it was a suicide, and the fact that he checked himself into a hospital (where he died 3 days later) seems to show it wasn’t suicide.
It made me wonder if I started now, how long would it take for me to wreck my own body? And is this the “long form” of suicide that so many people have […]
Almost a year ago I tried to kill myself after my husband of 23 years dumped me. I had alcohol and Xanax and felt that was a way to tell him f*ck you. I ended up in ICU for a day then the nuthouse for two more. After I got out he left me alone by myself for a day and half until my sister got here. I could barely walk but he didn’t care. Since then I have been trying to cope with the whole situation but its hard after finding out he was engaged to another woman before we were even divorced. My […]
My struggle with depression/anxiety as well as coming from an abusive/chaotic home with a parent who had, at the time, undiagnosed bi-polar have taught me to be strong and rely on myself. It also taught me, after years of therapy and self analysis, that people’s words can’t have power over you unless you allow them to.
I’ve always been very empathetic to others. My parents said as a toddler I would cry if a character got hurt or died in a Disney movie. I used to think this […]
One of my main reasons I’m currently NOT doing anything is I’m concerned about my friends who will have to deal with the aftermath. My previous methods of self-harm and suicide attempts have been cutting or overdosing. If I did that where I am now one of my housemates would either have to wake up to that or come home from work to it. (Either self-harm or suicide).
So I was thinking more about trains or bridges. Which is not something I’d ever thought of before. But it seemed less selfish to the people I love? However when I was at the psych hospital yesterday and […]
There was inter star meet.
Where organizer auctioning different planets
For some reason, I brought planet earth hoping it will be profitable
When I see into it, it is full of species called humans
Only 20% of those species are really useful for me
I separated brain out of those 20% humans and threw remaining part(body) of the humans and also I threw away that useless planet
Now I realized these preserved brains are useless because those brains are so screwed up with concepts like god, billion year old concepts of physics, crap philosophy and full of self-convincing power.
To solve a problem which I can in a day, they took 10 […]
I am a certified genius.
that’s a good thing and a bad thing.
I am a constant danger to myself. I know exactly how my body ‘ticks’. and I know how to make it stop ticking. I don’t need no knife or revolver I am able to use anything except the air filling my lungs. I have been planning my departure for almost 9 years now. escaping pain in it’s various forms.
heartbreak, impending failure, shame.
I think this is one of the most important unanswered philosophical questions at this time. Are you right now and you in a minute from now identical, apart from whatever experiences you may have made in this minute? (A) Is there something which identifies you as a distinct human being which is preserved over time?
You could for example imagine a duplication machine which copies every particle and all of it’s properties of an object and creates a new object with these particles which will be identical to the first object. (Let’s just assume this were scientifically possible (B) – which we don’t know of course […]
I cry,
and it hurts,
like acid streaming down my face,
tattooing the trails,
as they flow down my cheeks,
and drip from my chin.
The knife stings,
as i slice deep into my arm,
I smile,
and the blood runs warm,
then I go numb.
The darkness fades away to black,
and my body tenses,
I can hear someone screaming,
far off in the distance,
screaming,
yelling my name,
I try to respond,
but I cant,
I cant move,
I cant make a sound.
Then,
I realize what I have done,
and I stand,
looking over my cold lifeless body,
as you,
come and hold my hand,
As it gets closer to time I’m wondering what it will be like. Will there be pain? Will I feel life leaving my body? Will I be asleep? Will I be afraid? Will I fail? If I fail what’s going to happen? Will I be hospitalized? Psych hold? What method will I try next if the pills fail me? My brain is busy processing all these questions. Has anyone attempted before that is willing to share your experience?
i’m cutting my fucking self again, i don’t get posting this, but fuck off, i feel so fucking lost right now.
Tomorrow is the day. I’m sitting here making a mental note of the final things I need to do. I’ve taken out the trash, I’ll finish the laundry in the morning. I’ve set my phone to send out Fathers Day messages automatically. The refrigerator is empty except cases of water and some lemons. I wanted to have all these documents shredded but didn’t get around to it guess I’ll pack them up and shoot an email to my attorney that he should collect them and properly dispose. I wanted to donate my body to science but they don’t accept suicides. I still need to write […]
Last night i tried to commit suicide.. but i just couldn’t take my other leg off the bed, my mom has a rope at the side of the house in an old BBQ thing i tried to reach it out my window but the bars on my window only let me go so far, i couldn’t reach it so i used the strap from my purse, and put the medal part on the hook on my ceiling, my other leg was slowly slidding off and my vision was going black my whole upper body went numb and then that’s when i started thinking about everything […]
I have never shared my story before,
I’m now 24, the 24 years of my life have been the worst, raised in a well off family I had my emotional needs neglected from an early age, suffered abuse from from my family and depression all through high school. Thinking back I can only remember feeling alone and afraid.
It wasn’t always bad, after finishing highI school, I worked full time for a few years, but I could tell something was missing, I had not and still to this day have not  had emotionally intimate relationships. I don’t know how to establish or maintain them, nor do I […]
I spend a lot of time thinking about the future. Wondering of ill travel the world, make it in broadway, get married and have kids, or give up  before I get the chance.
I wonder what what it is inside of me that makes my body ache and makes my mind fill up with hate. I don’t know how to stop it. I know that I should probably get help. Tell a parent. But in reality if I tell them all that goes on in my head they’ll send me away because “I’m a danger to myself.” And I wouldn’t be able to handle that. I […]
The song reflects my thoughts about being sent to another dimension – afterlife. Travelling through the vastness of an endless space with nothing but honor in disguise beside me.
Even this late it happens:
the coming of love, the coming of light.
You wake and the candles are lit as if by themselves,
stars gather, dreams pour into your pillows,
sending up warm bouquets of air.
Even this late the bones of the body shine
and tomorrows dust flares into breath.