I can’t breathe through this heaviness on my chest
I need to talk to someone and know that I’ll be missed
You’ve probably blocked my number again
But your words were my only comfort back then
I’m tired and I’m lonely and hate the way it feels
This sense of self loathing is how my heart kills
My own blood is my poison of choice
The pounding in my ears drowns out the noise
I was trying so hard to make this half a whole
But my pain is overwhelming and I’ve lost control
It’s been some time since I last was here. Sometimes I just disappear for a while without telling anyone. Like a rabbit down in the rabbit hole. It’s comfortable, disappearing at once, for an unknown period of time. People don’t like me doing that, but sometimes I need that air I can only breathe underground, here and now.
I need to leave
But I’m scared to go
I need to breathe
But they’ll never know
I can’t get out
It’s starting to show
I’m screaming loud
My fuse has blown
Help me please
I need you now
I’m on my knees
I swear I’ll drown
Please don’t leave
Just pull me out
I need to leave
I have no doubt
Please Be my escape
Then you can leave
Be My gate
To a place of strength
I need a step up
Out of this place
Heal the cuts
That cover my face
so much shit has been going on this the first time in a while that I had a chance to breathe and just let the tears flow because after this little moment its back to reality ik I need to leave this place my therapist said it was not a safe place and I never knew what she meant but now i know.. That place is eating me alive there’s no love or comfort I need to get away in trying to come up with the money to buy a bus ticket and get the fuck away from here I just need to survive until […]
Its been a while since I have made a post, but here I am again.
I hate the way the regrets keep piling up, it’s just feels suffocating, and every time I replay the situations over and over again until I break. Every time it just makes me want to run away to a place where no one knows me.
I’m tired of being alive.
I’m tired of trying to breathe in this suffocating world.
I just want to die.
Every single fucking time its the same thing and the same feelings.
It just takes some small insignificant thing to set me off.
Why the hell was I ever born.
So this morning I woke up, shaking and I couldn’t breathe. In my head I was telling myself “Your okay, your okay, why are you being so dramatic?!” and I couldn’t stop shaking. Breathing became extremely hard. I couldn’t move. I felt trapped and honestly, every time I have a panic attack I feel like i’m in hell or being buried alive. It feels like I’m dying, it feels like I’m being attacked. It feels like I am going to die. It’s terrifying, and I can’t do anything about it.
For the first time in a long time, my anxiety is back. I really don’t know what to do. I can’t stop crying. I’ve felt like I can’t breathe for the past two days. I don’t want to deal with this anymore.
When trust is just out of reach
And the soles of your shoes have worn from your feet
When you begin to accept defeat
I Will fight for you.
When day transcends to night
And the darkness has extinguished all light
When nothing ever feels right
I will fight for you.
If you decide to hate me
If you find that I’m disgusting
If you’re scared of what I’m thinking
I will fight for you
Because Trust still illudes me
Vulnerability is terrifying
And I know it hurts to breathe
I will fight […]
You think you’re miserable? You can’t even fathom my misery. You remember every bad thing I ever did to you. How quickly you forget. The things you said and did to me. You know, we could spare each other all this pain.
I know I can change, how about you? Can you spare me all your fucking lies! And all I ask is to talk to you again. But you don’t seem to want to. I wish I could take a walk with you. I would show you all my pain. You took everything I had from me. I can’t wait…to get away.
Will it help?
Probably not. […]
I can’t breathe, I can’t think. My heart is broken, my life is broken, I am broken. My mom shot herself 2 years ago and I’m trying to not think these thoughts, make these plans..I just can’t help it. I am so sad and alone and lost. I always wanted my legacy to be something extraordinary, special. It didn’t work out. My life has been one tragedy, one struggle, after another. People say I’m smart & beautiful, but I’m not. I never married because I didn’t want to ‘settle’.. but people just assume there’s something wrong with me. Every night I come home to an […]
When you’re just sitting enjoying yourself then suddenly stop and pause then your whole mood changes and it’s kinda hard to breathe and it feels like your insides are crying…
It feels like my chest is caving in. I can hardly breathe. Moving is difficult too. There’s this…disconnect…happening between my soul and body.
My soul needs to cry and release some of this emotion but my body refuses to allow it. My soul scratches at the doors to leave my body and yet, nothing changes. How do you escape your own body? The scratches from within are beginning to show. Random marks are showing on my body. I don’t recall scratching myself or bumping into things.
I can feel my soul trying to die but my body just isn’t responding. The stress of school, work, the anniversary […]
Often I sculpt people
Who aren’t there
To create memories that don’t exist
That make me laugh at nothing
Often
Pretend that someone is concerned
That I actually knew you
And that the choir knows my name
At night I imagine
That I smell your hair
I hear you breathe
I slip into your womb
Always
I wake up alone
With a fractured skull
And empty space
Still in my wheelchair
Unable to move
While the diva in my head
Sings long arias
Of self abuse
That I twist into
Lullabies just to survive
In the doctors office
I open the magazine
I fail the […]
i hate this
i hate not being able to do it
i hate feeling my limbs shake and spasm and still having enough strength to stand
i like the release of blacking out but i hate not being able to breathe
last push coming soon
ready for this
hoping when i pull the plug i’ll just swirl away down the drain
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This is a series of photos that I took recently in some off the wall attempt at expressing exactly what goes on in my mind. I feel so blinded, but the moment the blindfold is removed, I rgret it. I […]
I just want to dance with you
Feel the ground disappear from beneath my feet
Look into your eyes and learn to see
A different side of who I am and who I want to be
I just want to sing with you
Feel the words pour out of my soul
Hold your hand and learn to breathe and let it keep me from drowning
I just want to say to you
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
I’m just so ashamed of who I am and showing you and losing you
I just want to be near you
I cling to every word you speak
I just […]
Hoy me vuelvo a sentir como una foto en la pared y no respiro para no hacer ruido.
(I feel again today like a picture on a wall and i don’t breathe so i don’t make any noise.)
I lye in bed and stare up at the ceiling as the weight of every mistake I’ve ever made comes to rest on my chest. Right now, I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m drowning. I miss people that I should just forget. I forget the people that I should have clung to. My heart breaks as I think about all of the things I’ve let go of simply because I thought I could do better. Now I’m here in the grave that I’ve slowly managed to dig for myself because I traded people off until I had No one. I gave things away until […]
Some of you may know me, others.. be thankful you don’t.
This is the first of 3 post I’ll write. Then I think it’ll be time;
Like waiting on the storm to pass..
Like waiting for the go ahead to breath again..
but my breathe rest solely on you now.
So now I wait. Frozen in time.
Time no longer exists.
The fate hangs in the balance.
What will be will be.
How do you convince someone..
ask someone… “Please, do not go into the light, rather,
come back, into the darkness..”
You don’t. You cant…. but I will.
I beg you, come back into the darkness.
Here […]
I’m ok…well, sort of. I think i’ve moved on from kicking myself for ruining our relationship. Well..mentally. I can look at couples and not have an overwhelming urge to vomit. I can go outside, breathe, smile, laugh and be over all happy. What I don’t understand is the nausea and loss of appetite. It’s been forever. You’d think after a week or so, you’d start having some type of appetite. I have nothing. Every time I eat, I get really nauseous and need to sit very still for a long period of time. I then, go to the bathroom, and wait to throw up. I’m […]