Hi again, it’s me.
Things have been pretty rough over the last few days.
So, I’m genderflux (for those of you who don’t know what that means, my gender fluctuates). So some days I’ll feel really strongly gendered or attracted to a gender (eg. female, as I was assigned female at birth), some days I’ll feel quite weakly gendered, and some days I won’t feel any gender at all.
But I started wondering whether this was the right term to use to describe myself. Some days, I’ll feel a bit like a girl, and I’ll want to wear skirts, and other days, I’ll want to […]
Tag:
Depression
So this is my first post. Not really sure what to write right now and I apologize in advance if it gets long.
The first time I can remember feeling depressed and wanting to die I was in fourth or fifth grade. I wanted to die, I had a plan, and I almost went through with it. I was standing there in my bathroom about to do it and the next thing I remember is being on the floor crying. I have no idea what stopped me. Around that time I was also self harming. Not cutting, but if I felt angry or stressed or overwhelmed I […]
I guess I’m gonna use this thing as a diary to vent about my emotions through out the day.
So here we go.
I suppose I should introduce myself. I’m Ash. 17. Genderfluid. Pansexual.
There.
Today was.. Meh. At best, okay.
My sister came home today. She was in alot of pain. I don’t like seeing her cry.
Dysphoria was a b**ch today.
I relapsed with my cutting. 13 new marks. It helped with feeling numb and empty.
Sorry this was a lame first entry.
I suck at writing.
Yours Truly,
Ash.
I’m here because I don’t want to die. I want to believe that I have something to offer this world, and that my current suffering will lead to a day where I can turn it around and use it to help others. Thing is, I’ve been depressed my whole life. I feel like from the moment I was born, I was given a cluster of psychiatric diagnoses instead of a personality. I was a problem to be solved, not a person to be loved. I was not human; I was merely human labels. Autism at first, because I’d rock endlessly in place. Then bipolar, because […]
Hey.
I know that everyone is here for a reason and whatever cliche shit we’ve been listening to forever.
Right now, my life has no purpose. I don’t even know why I opened this site. But whatever. It has always been hard for me to find people to talk to. My parents are kinda supportive, but if you know anything about being Indian it is that your parents exercise complete and absolute control on your life. My parents don’t let me outside the house, except for school. Not even tutions, parties, nothing. Indians are conservative and rather, well, religious. But on days like these I find myself […]
Hello:)
This will be a rather quick synopsis of my suicidal attempts and what led up to them and how I managed past them but the story should come across anyways.
First Attempt:
I was about 14 at this time, and had started cutting. it wasn’t “severe” as it was mostly little scratches. I would only “cut” when I was super overwhelmed with my situation, or emotions. I had been seeing a guy for about a year, and was infatuated with him. One day, he decided to tell me that he had been cheating on me with his ex, but that I shouldn’t be worried because he can […]
So, I found out for the first time in 20 years that I was right.. Being married did NOT give him permission.
When I said NO and when I was asleep and woke up with him on top of me it was NOT consensual.
Multiple times over a long span of time I lived in Hell because it was his ‘right’ as my husband.
FUCK YOU – YOU LOUSY MISERABLE SONOFABITCH – HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO ME? HOW DARE YOU!
HATE and ANGER and DEPRESSION and MISERY and its all because of YOU, YOU BASTARD
I want to SCREAM – all these fucking years like this because I WAS […]
Hello, I am a 22-year-old male. Thank you for reading my post. February 2014, I experienced anxiety attacks due to the existential crisis I was having at the time. I couldn’t deal with torment alone and sought help. I started seeing a therapist, and things were still rough, but in my mind, I thought that at least doing something about it was better than nothing at all. After seeing a doctor, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Both the doctor and my therapist suggested I start taking medication. I started taking anti-depressants. I was told that the drug wouldn’t take effect for a couple of weeks […]
So very many times I’ve tried to just lie in bed. To not get up. To not walk to the bathroom. To not grab the razor that hides in the cabinet. So many times I’ve failed. So miserably failed. Relapse is a normal part of recovery, I know. But how many times can you relapse before you’re no longer recovering anymore?
This is a long story, so please be patient as I try to explain everything.
I was in a long-term, long-distance relationship. Early June made four years, but at the end of June we decided to “take a break.”
He lives in Canada (let’s call him John) and I’m in the United States (I’ll call myself Jeff). About a year ago we had a discussion and decided that he would try to find a job and move to be with me in the U.S. This was at about the three-year mark of the relationship and I remember saying at the time, both to myself and to John, […]
I’ve been struggling with depression since I was 17 (I’m almost 21). There’s been early onset symptoms but I didn’t have a concept of depression until about 16. My grandparents all died really early. I’m the only child raised by my mom alone. While I care about her deeply in my own ways, she’s been verbally (and sometimes physical) abusive since I was 6 years old. She and I have very different temperament. When under stress, she blows up and goes ballistic. As for me, I just freeze up completely, and it would feel like my body’s constricted to the point that I can’t take […]
I use to live in San Diego, California when i was growing up. It was amazing and I wasn’t the most popular kid but I did have a small amount of good friends that I was happy with. Then in the middle of 5th grade my family decided to move to Indiana and well that was probably the worst decision of their lives. I made friends in 5th grade when i started, and got a crush on this kid named Justin. Over time all the friends i though i had starting to turn on me, especially in 6th grade. I got bullied so […]
It’s been so long. Been living with this pain for 3 years. I’ve tried and tried to get better. Yes I’m only 19 but I’m done. I’ve even gone and told a few friends what is going on and nothing I do and nothing they say helps. Lately I’ve hit an all time low I’ve stopped sleeping, started blasting music all night to drown out my thoughts, and then I go and hang out with friends and put on that fake smile and act happy. I’m drowning in my own pain but every time I try to get the guts to kill myself I can’t… […]
A few days before I tried to die, I had attempted to self medicate with antidepressants I bought off an acquaintance. I felt hopeful, I thought I wouldn’t feel crazy anymore. It did nothing for me. I probably used the wrong dosage, but at the time I decided to give up hope.
Friday night, I get home from my job. I’m a cashier and waiter under the table. Tips are always fluctuating between me feeling rich and getting 8 bucks for 10 hours of work. I don’t remember how much I earned then, I just remember that at 6 pm that day, all my friends were […]
I’ve never written about my mood/mental health/episodes etc. I am now in such an awful place that I can’t find a way out so I’ve resorted to asking for the help of strangers online (which I’ve always sworn I’d never do).
I’m 21 years old, a college dropout and mentally unstable. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety. I’ve been suffering since I was 12.
Last year I was finally living a life – I had friends, a boyfriend, I was working out and social. I kept myself looking well. Then I lost boyfriend, he actually acted in such a vile way – he […]
I feel so empty, broken, sad, lonely, etc. The list goes on with negativity upon myself. I have always been a sad, negative and lonely person deep down. But I find as I get older the worse it becomes, the worst I become. I find myself tumbling into a deep depression. Each time its harder to snap out of. I hate to wake up everyday. I have no motivation towards anything anymore. I just want the day to be over, sleep it away because I feel jailed by my own misery.
I often think of the reasons I should live and there are little to […]
Its funny, because as soon as I cut, the tears stop. I have no need to cry anymore. Until tommorow.
I just want to die
I have felt this way nearly 5 years now, i am so unhappy with every aspect of my life. I don’t know what to do with my future, i don’t feel excitement or motivation to do anything. I got diagnosed with an illness but it’s not even a condition that could kill me, it just makes me constantly tired and sore. I gave gotten to the point that i don’t care about being selfish and if it hurts people, I’m in so much pain all the time and i feel like it’s my only solution. Sometimes i want to reach out […]
I’ve been wanting to kill myself for the past few days. I’m not healthy. I should talk to my psychiatrist and get my meds changed, but I don’t have the money to get new ones. I shouldn’t live. My moods flip-flopped for a day and then settled on depression. I can’t get out. Nothing is worth it. Not even my son, and he usually is. I can’t even cry anymore. How pathetic is that?
Why is it so hard to understand? I have depression, but I don’t want to be fixed or cured or given “coping stratergies” (ugh). I just want to die. That’s why I don’t go to counselors any more, or talk to my friends or family about this: they assume I actually want to get better and treat me as such. It’s an assumption that would make sense for a healthy human being, but clearly that’s not me. I’m sick of being told that “It gets better!” by people who don’t understand my problems, and in many cases are the cause of them in the first […]