Am I Insane? Waking up in the middle of the night craving just to self-harm, I could feel the need on my scarred wrist just so temped to grab my razor & press the cold metal against my skin. Deeper & deeper gliding across; red gushing out everywhere off the sides of my wrist & down my arm.  “I wanna cut, I need to cut†I could see my skin break as the tip of the knife goes down my arm with blood spilling out of my arm. Since that night I’ve been craving to cut & all I think about is suicide attempts. Maybe if I […]
Tag:
Depression
As the title states, this is my first post. I don’t even know what  to say except that life feels meaningless.
If I wasn’t such a chicken shit I’d probably have offed myself back in college, but I’ve always been too scared to do it.
My depression started like a spiderweb crack– at first, it was isolated, but now it has spread and I feel like I bring misery to everyone who loves me. I lose everyone who gets close to me because they meet me and I seem so great and bubbly and fun to be with, and then they slowly have to watch me sink […]
This is not a story of hope, even though it starts of like one.
It’s been five years since I first tried to kill myself via exit bag, after six years of depression. After that failed attempt, I decided that if I wasn’t going to die, then I was going to try to live. I decided to do everything I could to leave my old life behind – family, friends… everything.
Things started getting better career/work-wise. I went to college and graduated top in my major. I was able to move across the globe (literally, with a 12 hour time-zone difference), because I am doing my PhD […]
So, next year, i’m going to fucking kill myself. Why? i have no fucking idea. I’m SICK of my crap. I’m sick of this depression and social anxiety. I’m sick of myself. I’m sick of being invisible and lonely. I’m sick of thinking this way. I’m sorry to everyone who actual gave a fuck about me, when i’m gone things’ll be better for you. I guess, i’m making a big mistake and i’m sinning by doing this. And from seeing people, like in Africa, who are going through war, starvation and for the woman, who go through sooo much and get raped. Grr, it makes […]
Hi darlings. Wow, it’s been a while. I think since June? July? Things have gotten worse. If I am not happy in a year I am going to kill myself. What’s the point of me living if I have no reason? I wish I could run away. I wish someone could relate. I wish this depression never returned. I stayed home from school today because I was just so sad I couldn’t bare.
The thought “I don’t want to do this anymore” has been plaguing me. As is my nature, I googled it and this page came up in my search results. Mortified as I was thinking that Google has somehow gained access to my thoughts, I registered.
I am at this very awful space in my life. I have an anxiety disorder, a strange kind because it manifests itself as physical ailments. Because I am constantly sick and my doctors (yes, plural) cannot find a cause for it, I have been labeled a hypochondriac. I have a touch of OCD and when I was younger I was able […]
So like an hour ago, I got a visit from 2 of my best friends here in Oxford.
One of them is a girl. Another is a boy, which if you read my last post, my crush.
I told them, I was drunk while I was in the State, I know I promise them not to get drunk again after that night in Oxford. They were pretty mad, which of course, they have absolutely right to, I deserve that.
They began to preaching me about being depress, choice to get drunk blah blah blah
And then they asked, why I have to be depress? when has this begin?
You know […]
Don’t know if it relevant, but needed some advice.
I just got back from Boston. I live in Oxford, UK.
I am coming back to Oxford to face another problem of mine.
I have a best friend, we only be together about like 3 months but he is so nice to me.
A few weeks ago, I was drunk, really drunk. I didn’t remember much thing, apparently I texted him to come to pick me up. It was 1.30 am. He came, took me all the way back from the city centre to my room, put me in bed. The next morning, Â I found out about everything. He couldn’t […]
When you are lost, there is no light at the end of the tunnel.. or even a tunnel at all. There is only darkness with absolutely nothing around you. You wander, but cannot see and eventually just stop and stay where you are. There are no paths, there is no hope. When you are lost, hope is a lie made of mere words.
And to be truly lost means to quit trying to be found. You are lost in nothingness and that is all there ever will be. A hole forms, where you burrow into it in the darkness. At least that way, you have walls […]
I don’t recall what I wanted to say exactly here. I’ve wanted to disappear for a large majority of my life. It’s just something I’ve always dealt with. I always find ways to cope. That’s why I’m still here. I’m a survivor. I even survive myself. I’m in college now. I’m half way across the country from my family. I changed myself because no one here knew me. I thought if I could be the sort of person that everyone loved, it would fix this problem inside me. But it didn’t. Because it’s hard for someone to love you when they don’t know you. And […]
I’ve had enough suffering with depression for a while. Now my best friend is going through alot of problems, and i mean ALOT. i need to stay with her and help her through it all, but it kills me. I’m always flashing back to when i was were she is now.. alone, anorexic, crying, cutting, all of it. Now i have to sit here and watch her deal with all of this, and i have to try and help her get better. Shes really stubborn as it is, but shes in denial, she doesnt see whats really going on, and she doesnt see where everyone […]
The only person I love has called me every cruel, harsh and mean name in the book, is that wrong? That’s what lead me here.
I like to pretend that my life sucks.
I go through these phases- anorexia one day, cutting the next. Bulimia. Compulsive over eating. As many pain pills as I can handle.
Anything to justify the way I feel,
Like I’m hopeless and useless and better off under the ground.
But I know that I’ve got it good, that there are girls who would kill to spend a day in my shoes.
Which just makes me feel dirtier.
may. thats when i die. thats it. it works out for everyone. i dont ruin my boyfriend’s birthday in december. i have my birthday in january. i go on vacation with my family in february so they dont waste the money they’ve spent on it. i dont ruin my best friend’s birthday in april. i see the 14th anniversary of columbine. i dont have to make my confirmation, which my family begs me to do even though i dont believe in it. my boyfriend and i will most likely break up by then. i dont finish this school year, and never move up to my […]
I just can’t take my family anymore… I am tired of being treated like shit and everything else. It feels like I don’t belong anymore. Most people don’t understand what I am going through and say that I’m complaining. If you lived my life, you would sound like me, too. My sister is 14 and beats on me whenever I don’t do what she says when I am the older sister and says shit to me that she knows will hurt me. I may be older, but I have really bad depression, so I really can’t help it. I wish that I could. And then […]
its been a while since ive been online. not a lot has happened. but im getting worst. me and my bf broke up, and there is this girl i just wanna kill. me and my best friend are fighting and ive got no sleep in about a week. im going crazy. i run away a lot during the day and sometimes at night. i think about death more and more. i just wanna die. before they were just thoughts but now it is serious. self harm- if i cut my wrist and hope to hit a vein, it will take hours of painful death until […]
I’ve finally gotten what I wanted, be and my boyfriend together. But it’s different. We are WAY more distant. I can tell he’s not telling me everything. I know him better than I know myself. I know I’ve changed but am I THAT different?
I wrote this song about bullying and suicide. I hope that you will like it and I hope that it will help to sooth and educate people on bullying and suicide. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kn9NaB43C8A
Maybe, Just maybe, there is balance. We (meaning those who are reading this and the other posts on this site) are the counterbalance to something else. Perhaps everyone has a “role” to fill in this world. Perhaps we are the depression and sadness to other peoples happiness and joy? While I would never wish what I feel on anyone else, why wasn’t it me that got that the “happy” side of that balance?
Male, 18, Black, 5’9, 265
Atlanta, Georgia
Tonight is the night. It was inevitable really. LOL i finally realized that i will die from stabbing myself repeatedly in the neck. Why? Who cares? I’m ugly and fat which will never get me women. I have a terrible evil personality that comes out when i hang out with people too much. I’m just going to wind up hurting myself even more or others if i just don’t get it over with. It’s really not the big of a deal, if God does exist he’ll be just send me to hell and I can move on with my life. […]