So, next year, i’m going to fucking kill myself. Why? i have no fucking idea. I’m SICK of my crap. I’m sick of this depression and social anxiety. I’m sick of myself. I’m sick of being invisible and lonely. I’m sick of thinking this way. I’m sorry to everyone who actual gave a fuck about me, when i’m gone things’ll be better for you. I guess, i’m making a big mistake and i’m sinning by doing this. And from seeing people, like in Africa, who are going through war, starvation and for the woman, who go through sooo much and get raped. Grr, it makes me so mad, at myself, that i’m killing myself over a good life.I’m soooo very grateful for shelter, food, clean water and a famliy. But, i’m not grateful for ‘me’. I should swtich lives with those poor african woman and children. They deserve my life, i deserve theirs.
I’m excited for death, but then again, i’m scared. I wonder what happens after death. Do we go to heaven? hell? Do we reincarnate ( i can’t spell lol) into animals or humans? Or does it just go black and it’s like a sleep but never waking up.
One thing i’m very scared of is if something goes wrong and i don’t do it right. i’m doing the helium ‘exit bag’, which has to be accurately perfect for it to work. It’s supposed to be painless and peaceful though. So even if it takes work to get the equipment, i’m going to fucking do it. Cause everyone out there who knows me will sooo much more relieved when i’m gone. Can’t wait.
Gumpy
7 comments
@gumpy I’ve seen your comments around here and I’ve seen you have conversations with s2419, she seems like she is very fond of you and considers you a good friend.
Depression really hurts you, and it can start to affect you and bring you into a deep hole, I’ve experienced that first handedly, but I was able to successfully beat depression. Maybe you can to? You just need to find a reason to live for, and I’m sure you will find one, and you’ll feel fulfilled and normal again
And social anxiety is crap, I think I still suffer from that, but I have been getting better 🙂
Gumpy I really would miss your prescense if you left this world.
I hope you can find a reason to live for
@ rathernot- thanks :/ i could never be anything ‘special’ to anyone, i’m always the one that is the last option. I guess i should try to overcome depression and the social anxiety, but it’s so hard and i’m to weak. I’m glad you’re getting better 🙂 I mean, there are lots of things i love in my life, but the bad is always overlapping the good. Thanks rathernot 🙂
Gumpy
Gumpy !! No, please don’t. I would miss you so much ! Your such a lovely person !! Please reconsider !?!
@gumpy I bet you can mean the world to someone, you just have to find the right person, but it will take a while to find that person. Not because your not special but because there are a lot of shit guys out there, and very few good ones.
The bad in life does tend to overlap the good, but that’s why we learn to cherish those moments of happiness that much more, and we live for that happiness even if it isnt always something content.
Gumpy you are a really nice person, you seem like you have a lot of goals you want to accomplish, you seem like you are optimistic and not really that cynical, you seem like you are very young and you have a lot to live for, you seem like you want someone to be there for you, I’m sure with your great personality you will find someone to comfort you and make you less alone. I really hope you don’t let this depression consume you and turn you into a very cynical person, or make you start to hate everything about life. And I hope that this depression doesn’t ruin such a nice person like you. You have a lot to look forward to gumpy, you just have to try to fight through everything
Hmm, I’m in the same boat. I know I should be thankful but for what? A life of misery I didn’t ask for?
Same with the thoughts of death. What comes after etc? I have no fear of killing myself only a fear of what comes afterwards.
It seems like you have friends here though so hang on in there if you can.
@s2419- thanks :/ but, i can’t seem to accept it. I’m sorry, but i have it stuck in my head that i will do it.
@rathernot- I wish i was special to someone. No one likes me that much. My dog even hates me -.- haha. Thanks rathernot, but i have to say, i’m not that nice of person. I used to bully my brother to a point where i think he wanted to committ suicide. I’ll try to fight, but yeah, i’m very emotionally weak.
@xTKsaucex- Yeah, i’m very afraid of wht happens after death. I hope it’s something like reincarnation (i still can’t spell). That’d be cool. I would want to be a bear >:) And thanks, i’ll try.
@gumpy I never thought I would be special to anyone, I thought I was going to be a loner up until my death, I thought no one would be able to ever understand me, I thought live wasn’t real, I was wrong about all of those things, and before I found my love I was in the same state of mind you are in. Gumpy you have to give it some time, even if you don’t think there’s hope, I didn’t think there was hope for me, but now I’m the happiest I have ever been, it took 17 hellish years, but it was all worth it.
And you do seem like a nice person, I’m sure you didn’t bully your little brother for no reason at all, maybe you were bullied before? Either way all that matters is that you have changed and you aren’t that type of person anymore
So yeah gumpy please give it sometime, don’t give up that easily, I’m sure in the future you will find your happiness