oh im so tired, really tired emotionally and physically and mentally, the urge to cut is getting stronger, whats one more scar right? errghh well i have to go out today, maby its good, i might get some distraction but if i dont mann im going to feel worse when i come back.anyhows hopefully you guys have something resembling a good day 🙂
Tag:
Distraction
My name is Alex. Everyone thought I was the happiest person they knew. I made myself believe it at times. I have been depressed since I was about six. And now seven years later…I Still am. My father left me, my sister, and my mother just so he could run off to live in Oklahoma with his hooker girlfriend. I believed everything was my fault. That nothing would ever get better. That nothing mattered. I was six. I was so depressed.Everyone thought that because I was so young that I wouldn’t be able to understand what was happening. But I did. They didn’t think that […]
I’ve had images of hanging myself, stepping in front of a train or automobile, and now I’m obsessed with thoughts of knives through my arms.
I’ve never cut. I can’t handle physical pain, so why does my mind automatically go toward knives puncturing through my forearms? It wouldn’t be a release for me as I have understood it to be so for other people. Instead, the physical pain would be a distraction to the mental pain. It would also be a punishment.
I haven’t done anything yet but I’m about to either cut really deep or go down some meds. I need help from anyone. Please I just need to talk. If I don’t comment back, either my iPod is taken away or my panic attack may get the best of me. Please someone talk to me. I need the distraction or I might not be here tomorrow…
I am trying to hold on, but I have been steadily tidying up my life these last weeks and I am throwing away my career and my life very quickly. I am steadily working towards the end and although I feel really bad right now, I know I will hold on another day or two. I keep trying to find excuses to carry on just one more day (new tattoos, new clothes/shoes to be bought tomorrow), anything at all. But it is all crap and means nothing. It is just a distraction from where I know I am heading. I hate to set deadlines, none […]
My bad attitude caused by frustration and self hatred has pushed those who used to care about me far far away. I know we’re all alone no matter what, but it kills me not to have at least that illusion making us feel as though we are not alone. I started cutting a few days ago and each day the  cut gets a  little deeper. I was just looking for a distraction from my emotional pain. I haven’t felt happiness all year. I’m beginning to question if there even is a possibility for me to feel happiness again. I used to rely on strangers to […]
I feel this way, on again, off again. I’m sure other people feel it. I hope no one else does, but at the same time, I hope I’m not alone feeling it. It’s hard to describe it so I won’t right now but I’ll try to express my thoughts because of these feelings. Every time I feel like this, I throw myself into a distraction. Sometimes they’re classes like the piano or learning a new language. Volunteer work. Sometimes it’s following a sports team or being interested in a serial like a TV series. It’s shallow, very hollow, but I thought it helped. When the […]
Don’t tell me you know my sadness if you’ve never felt it. Don’t tell me you know the emptiness in my heart if you’ve ever seen it. Don’t tell me you know what I feel if you’ve never asked. Don’t try, just don’t even try. Because I have had enough of your lies, that you know me. That you care about me and are “There for me” Screw that. I know you better than that. I may not know EVERYTHING about you, but I know you well enough to know that you only care about your drugs and your beer. IF you really cared, you would […]
I wanted to call him so badly. I hurt him telling my story and my addiction of self harm. He needed to hear my voice and i needed to hear his. But i couldnt call him because my parents would hear the conversation. They know nothing about him or my problems. They don’t need to know and they probably don’t give a shit. They are part of the problem too anyways. I asked him how he was really feeling. And he answered with lonely. I feel horrible. I feel lonely everyday and i don’t want him to feel that pain. I don’t know the future […]
While I write this i fear of the pain i will cause with this simple action,
But i will confess the true. I have been trying to kill myself for a few
months now. I was learning electrons to make my own defibrillator and will be able to fine all my research under Research on Defibrillations. (Tomboy notes) After a month or two upon finding out that this will not work, I tried to overdose on aspirin. When i didn’t die i did some more research and found out that the mortality rate for an aspirin overdose of more than 300 mg/kg is less than […]
Why am I such a stupid fuck? I really cant stand myself. 2 hours by myself and I’m “in a mood” again. Wasn’t even contemplaiting suicide this morning because I was working a bit and suddenly, like a fingersnap, I just want to die. I remember that I despise myself. And that I’m the most disgusting monster on the planet.
I like being by myself, because I can do whatever I want. But I guess I really need distraction. Especially if I havent smoked weed yet. Thought I should smoke less so I didnt smoke yet. (no thats a lie I tell myself, I didnt earn […]
Ive been trying to type how I feel, but I just cant get my thoughts straight. I have this very often. I know what I want to say. And in my head I hear the exact sentence, I just cant get it of my lips. And its not only when talking about emotions, I also have it when I’m just in the middle of a random conversation. Like my brain kind of just stops and I just cant get the words out. The feeling of having something on the tip of your tongue, only difference is that I know what I want to say but […]
Things were starting to look up, but it’s all coming crashing down. I was getting stronger, not having the violent and/or scary thoughts anymore, my grades were getting better, and I was just starting to go back to my old self. Today I realized that I’m apparently not ok. A girl working in my group on a project we presented today shoved my copy in my face snobbily sarcastically thanking me for my help. I tried to help write it in class, but she took it home and never contacted the rest of us like she was supposed to, so she ended up doing it […]
Before, I tried suicide. Got locked up in a loony bin for a while. It’s never left my mind. I want it—even now. As we speak. I need it. But more than anything right now, I just want to talk to somebody. I don’t know. Here’s something I thought was the last thing I would ever write; guess I was wrong.
Throughout all the noise,
Withstanding all distraction.
The first form of a laugh,
Starting in your throat.
The calm overwhelms,
Takes Control;
Pats your hand, Strokes your hair.
Fatal Reassurance .
What you once feared most ,
Now your closest friend.
A smile on your […]
Seriously, about anything and everything. Suicide related or not. I’ve actually had kind of a good day today… but now I’m really just crashing down into the dumps again (as per usualy, I suppose). I really just want to talk now. About myself or my own feelings orabout one of you and yours. Don’t care… just need a distraction.
I’m kind of new to this site, and not really sure if I can just start an open conversation like this… but… yeah… Just wanted to talk to someone.
Any takers?
~Ashley
Hey,
I haven’t posted here before. Actually, I feel a bit out of place among all the angst-filled teenagers and people who have real problems and shit like that. What’s my problem? Hard to put down in words, I guess, though I spend a lot of time trying to do it. I’m 33, I’ve lived a comfortable, middle-class life with kind, if emotionally-distant, parents. Did well enough at school. Went on to university. Expected to “achieve” something. But, really, something was wrong from the start. I write this, because, I don’t know, maybe there are other people in my situation out there. But, I don’t know, I […]
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