i hate being around people, even if its just me and one person. i like my bubble where i dont have to talk to any one i can just sit and go into my own little world and ignore everyone else or at least try to, but when someone is around its like “damn now i have to make awkward conversation with someone who probably wont like me anyway.” and dont get me in a crowd of people, fuck me ill have a complete mental brake down if i dont have my ear plugs. i cant wait until this is all over. Monday will come […]
I have been told by many “you’re not alone, things will get better” and I’m not saying this isn’t true, but can someone tell me the steps they have taken to feel better? Because I’m oblivious to what I should be doing. I’m taking my meds, going to talk therapy, I’ve talked to whoever will listen, I’ve tried just thinking positive, but negativity is all that runs through my veins. I don’t mean that in the sense that I hate everything and everyone. I say it in the sense that I cannot see any good in myself or my life. I’ve always been like this. […]
they’re taunting me. i cant sleep without dreaming of him. the way he touched me. god i miss it so much. ive been restless for a few days now. cant grt over him if all i do is dream about him. WHY???!? he has moved on or so i think so. ive moved on but im still stuck.
nothing
drowning in your flesh
rotting in a cage
constant fear of mirrors
nausea when you look in one
dreaming about slicing off bad body parts and sewing on good ones
inability to look at a cis-person
feeling like a turd when your mom tells you to suck it up and quit begging for attention
envisioning yourself as a good-looking ideal-bodied person and feeling like the shit…but then the fantasy collapses and you’re back to square one with your awkward wrong body
It’s pretty unbearable. I can’t even get hormones for probably several years since my parents aren’t too supportive. I have an appointment with a gender therapist in two months, and that’s only […]
Sometimes we wake from a dream and realize we’ve been dreaming some part of that dream over and over again.
This morning I woke from a dream with the knowledge that I’d dreamt about the same fish tank many times.
The tank was covered by some kind of sheet, and had been neglected by me for such a long time that no fish could possibly be alive.
I left it alone and continued to ignore it.
Eventually, I decided to remove the cover, though I really didn’t want to. But I did. I don’t know the reason why I could no longer ignore it.
To my surprise, […]
Imagine falling head over heels in love with someone. You have been in love with this person, thinking about them, obsessing over them 24/7 for 3 years and it’s still going on. You find out that the intend to propose to you and you couldn’t be happier. You are in a state of ecstasy. In a state of unbelief, that you have to pinch yourself to make sure that everything is real and you are not dreaming.
You really arn’t dreaming but it’s not real. The unconditional love you felt from that someone – it’s not real. The plans that you would be together for ever […]
big man
Whip in hand
Thinks he’s got what it takes
To win
Games of sin
Seems he’s made a mistake
I’m not
A single shot
I’ll make you wish you could stay
Try now
Break me down
You’ll never escape these chains
I will
Shoot to kill
Make sure your eyes are on me
This thrill
Ill make you feel
And then I’ll turn to leave
Get down
On the ground
I want you begging on your knees
Why?
Because all the things I loved
Were lies and clever bait
But I’ll be the one you’re dreaming of
until you finally awake
I’ll kiss you in […]
Sometimes.. I’m just ready to see my last breath fade into the cold air.. And watch as the darkness says it’s goodbyes.. And welcome the happiness that sometimes seems to afraid to constantly stay.. Because I’d be in the happiest place for my happiness to feel safe.. Safe to stay with me. The darkness won’t be there to scare it away and won’t stop me from holding my happiness back. I’ll never have to see the darkness again.. Ever again. I’ll be in my own world.. My own world with my own happiness..
someone please wake me up
im still dreaming
When I fall asleep tonight
Will the voices stop
Will an angel come to comfort me
Or a demon come to mock
Make a joke of suffering
And laugh in my face
Let the darkness smother me
While the echoes fill the space
“They hate you”
“They crave you”
These voices never change
They argue with themselves
They magnify my pain
“They’re watching. Not leaving”
Paranoia is setting in
“Even when you’re dreaming
They know your every sin”
I wake up thinking how will i die. I go to school planning how i could die. I go home wishing to die. I sleep dreaming of dying. I cant get death off my mind..
Losing my mind with this solitary life. People say they care. If they cared then where the fuck are they? I’ve been abandoned by everyone I called a friend. Another day trapped in this world. Another day of dreaming for an exit.
I just don’t know how things got this way. Everything is so fucked up.
You don’t have to make your breathing stop to be actually dead. There’s this self-therapy to make you go bat-shit insane. You’ll laugh and cry until the two blur together like an ugly blur of paint colors and you won’t be able to paint a picture, no, but you’ll be able to rot in the trash. No one wants grey paint
Go to sleep and scare yourself. It works. Lucid dreaming. Frighten yourself to the point of numbness
Have you ever stared in the mirror for too long? That pale fleshy creature morphs into something twisted and grey and demonic, hollow, empty, dead!!! And yet alive…..
Last night […]
Who needs suicide when the pain can rot away your insides for you?
He he, I’m going to die sooner or later. We all do! Whether it be 80 years from now, or the next time I take the plunge over the quarry’s edge. It’s all fluff.
I rolled up the night on a spool of black silk and never will I return again. He he, J has a carrot in her mouth. My dad’s carrot. My dad’s truck is in her driveway. My mother’s institutionalized.
No more refills without a doctor’s appointment. Ha. But there’s no one to tell that to. Going to be interesting in the […]
As I write this it is 23:47. 13 minutes until midnight.
The clock begins again in 13 minutes.
Life begins anew in 13 minutes.
It is 23:47 where he is.
It is 23:47 where she is.
It is 23:47 where they all are.
The last connection we have is time.
Time will always bind us together, until one of us slips outside of it’s domain.
In 13 minutes the day in which I die could begin.
In 13 minutes the day in which I live could begin.
I wonder what they will spend the next 13 minutes doing.
Are they dreaming? Or are they awake?
Are they dreaming of me?
In 13 minutes these thoughts will be the […]
I had an horrible night tonight… Among other things, I dreamed i was locked in psych ward, trying to escape… And finally a friend helped me to commit suicide… Weird, but it’s not the first time dreams like that have happened.
Throughout this dream i knew i was dreaming…In some may, i could decide what i wanted to do or not, as in real life…It’s what i call “lucid dreams”. But everytime i had these lucid dreams, then I’m suffering from false awakening. I felt trapped in the dream… With no way of escape from it and wake up.
Everytime I try to wake up, i […]
There’s no doubts that now you’re not longer mine, You never were but I swear that what you gave me, made me feel like it was real; that I wasn’t dreaming. It hurts but it’s done. It’s so fucking hard to understand, but not impossible to knew that this was going to happen.
And just remember that besides you’re with someone else, and even that I know that the fucking time will pass, I will never ever forget you, besides everything I’ll love you. I love you.
To whom you decided to love, I don’t really know if she’s aware of the blessing that she […]
Five days I’ve lived since commiting to die, since calling a national hotline, my first time ever. Stuck in the rural South, My dogs and the North wind keep watch with me, watchers for the morning. I wrapmy knee in ice. It’s disintigrating from a 980’s Surgery…the sutures, tiny lengths o fibrous black, rose through my skin to the surface. And now the ligaments are tearing away. My surgeon died decades ago. My SI Joints’ ligaments stretched in an industrial accident, permit the whole set of bones to wrench away from each other. Favoring the right knee makes it worse. I think I may have […]
He is imperfect. Short, freckled, quiet. Intelligent with stunning blue eyes. Depressed and anxious. Heart broken and ostracized.
To me he is perfect. But he has been gone for quite some time now, locked away in a mental hospital I know he abhors. I didn’t know how much he meant to me until he wasn’t there. My days became more dull, I stopped smiling as much. I became sensitive, I holed up in my room, dreaming impossible dreams of a life with him.
I began to forget his voice. His beautiful face. His small stature compared to my tall one. The notes we would write each other […]
just tried partial suspension again, but even that i could not go on. it just felt weird and it always seems like i’m dreaming, then i’m hyperventilating and shaking a lot and kind of wake up, hoping that it was all just a bad, horrible dream, only to realize it is not.
not sure if im doing it properly, tho.