I have been told by many “you’re not alone, things will get better” and I’m not saying this isn’t true, but can someone tell me the steps they have taken to feel better? Because I’m oblivious to what I should be doing. I’m taking my meds, going to talk therapy, I’ve talked to whoever will listen, I’ve tried just thinking positive, but negativity is all that runs through my veins. I don’t mean that in the sense that I hate everything and everyone. I say it in the sense that I cannot see any good in myself or my life. I’ve always been like this. How can I change?
Every single day I am hopping I will figure it out. Before I go to bed at night I tell myself over and over that tomorrow is a new day and things will be better. Then I fall asleep only to either not dream or I’m only having nightmares. And I used to be a dreamer. I love dreaming. I then wake up more miserable than I was the night before.
Just today- I slept in and woke up in tears. Uncontrollably crying. Not even sure the reasons why. All I think about is taking a rope out in the woods. I live in a very peaceful place. The country. Lots of land. No neighbors. No traffic noise. The sun hits my house perfectly and you can see over the entire town. However, I find myself looking at the trees that I walk by when I go in hikes everyday trying to find the perfect tree. I’ve planned out my outfit and I know I won’t be found before need be. No one would come check on me for at least two or three days. I don’t want to write letters because everyone who knows me well enough can clearly see I’m suffering. I wear my heart on my sleeve. So, I don’t think it will come as a surprise to anyone.
Will someone please give me advice on how to get through this? I hope there is more for me in this world. I feel time ticking away, everyone moving and me staying in the same place. How can I get out? How can I be happy? I’m getting desperate.
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Last summer my friends all left for vacation and I was completely alone, no one around for three weeks, there was a point where I was so low I wasn’t getting out of bed and had run out of food and felt like i didn’t have the energy to get food and it would be easier to quietly starve to death than to get up. But, then I ran out of dog food and had to get up and get some, I felt so faint from not eating it was hard to drive. While at the grocery store I bought some people food… I started feeling sorry for my dog that I hadnt walked and forced myself to walk the dog. All this got my body and brain moving again and I started to feel better. So, I guess what helps me is having pets? I think my pets are what keep me going they take me out of my own head and give me something to think about besides myself. I don’t feel like I can live just for myself, but I can force myself to live for my pets, they need me.
Definitely great advice! Pets are a must. I am an animal lover and I have two dogs. They keep me somewhat in check but….I starve myself either way. It’s awful. Even if I go to the store for food or treats for my two fur babies, I don’t buy myself food. Lol. That sounds ridiculous, but I’m just never hungry. I’m a 5’10 girl weighing only 125lbs right now. While this weight loss is not intentional(I love food) but my emotions and stress tell my brain that I’m not hungry, and if I force myself to eat I get sick. I highly recommend people getting pets. Just today, while I was feeling really low and laying in bed my chihuahua curled up in front of me nestled between my stomach and my legs on my side as close as he could be and then my pit/husky mix (who doesn’t calm down for crap) also came up onto the bed sand buried her face into my neck and shoulder then laid down. You could tell they were trying, they could see my pain, they could see my tears. It was comforting, but that comfort only lasts for a few minutes. After those few minutes I’m back to crying again. And this is why I feel helpless….because there are so many things I should be grateful for and there are so many things that should cheer me up that just don’t anymore. I feel stuck.
And as far as living for my pets….I would hate to leave them, but I also know that they would be well taken care of if I did decide to end it all. So, my brain battles the pros and cons and they some times conflict each other