i’ve been having this feeling,
this feeling of nonexistence.
it’s as if i’m not quite here,
i have no purpose,
i’m nothingness,
worthless,
simply air.
I feel like everyone has a sob story or what some might call a good reason. “I’m insecure” or “I’m depressed” or “I’m abused”. That’s all sad and really painful and I get why you might just want to give up.
The thing with me is: I don’t even have any of that. It was a slow process, but at the same time it happened in the blink of an eye; a rush of clarity for me.
There’s nothing for me here. There never will be. Nothing had to happen to convince me of it, because I think I’ve always known.
Nothing ever feels right. […]
Theres a girl … she doesnt know how to handle things… everythings spirling out of control… sometimes she can convince herself that shes not really alive… maybe shes in a nightmare.. and she just cant wake up..?
You’d never guess her secret if you knew here.. she hides it so well… she seems so happy… do you want to know her secret..? She cuts herself. She doesnt know why… and she doesnt understand why she resolved to it.. but one thing she knows is SHE CANT STOP.. […]
I have suddenly become so incredibly numb and exhausted. I want to scream and cry, but I just can’t. I just want to feel something real, I’m so tired of apathy and exhaustion.
In an attempt to feel something, I just started attacking my thigh with a small blade. I find it quite beautiful, the way to begin with there’s just a dent in the skin, but then it gradually rises before drops of blood begin to surface. My thigh is now covered in short cuts and I like the messy zigzagging. It’s the only way I can think to represent how I feel. I […]
I’m writing more because I feel I didn’t express myself enough yesterday. In the beginning of ninth grade year I went to a performing arts school,I applied because I always wanted to follow my dreams of becoming a musician and to me applying to this school was my of feeling like somebody after being bullying made me feel inferior. Once I got there the people I saw were talented and confident and I just lost hope after that and classes weren’t as enjoyable because I kept thinking so negatively so I decided that I would drop the program to work on my skills and come […]
Saturday night I went to the homecoming dance I decided to go because I thought that it’d be nice to go out since I’d spent the whole day doing nothing but sleeping, once I got there I felt out of place because I showed up alone and just greeted people  I started dancing by myself trying to make it a good night and there was times where I caught myself feeling sad and sat down because I just didn’t feel like being up there  and had no interest but I did dance most of the time and even requested a few songs so I can […]
I don’t concern myself with mindless details. The world is supposed to be this place where you can be yourself. Yet I’m stuck following the rules. The path they laid down for me. Why can’t I break from that. There is nothing wrong with me, I am fine. I am healthy, happy. So why am I just so desperate for this to be over. Is there really a point? My actions have yet to save a single person. But every person who I “fix” (these are the ungrateful ones, not the ones who become family and help you, no; these are the ones who steal […]
“Non playable character.” Or to be more accurate, an AI. An artificial intelligence, played by the game or computer itself. No personality. They’re only there to add little elements to the lives of everyone around it, perhaps to make their gaming more difficult or to allow them to open a new door. I am fully aware I just used a gaming metaphor, and now you know how much of a nerd I am. Not that I am a gamer girl or anything, the only game I’ve played in years is sims. I’m just an idiot kid out of high school with no friends, no skills, […]
Right now I’m only living because I am alive.To not waste what I consider a magnificent oportunity to discover,feel and enjoy everything that moves your heart.Yet no matter how hard I look,no matter how hard I search,I can’t find the rope to guide me trough the maze.I feel so alone…Everyone around me seem so far away,like I was in a different dimension overlaping his one but I couldn’t be touched.I can’t find what moved my heart anymore.Everyday seem wasted.I think: “If I was going to do nothing again,I should have stayed in bed”…Worthless chatter “It’s finaly geting hot outside!”…”I love the cold…”.Everybody looks at me […]
do i have borderline personality disorder?
i desperately want to know what i have why i have it and how i can fix it.
i dont know if these questions are ever answered but atleast i will die knowing that i did care enough to look for an answer. i want to be able to grasp what it is that is wrong with me and then be able to tackle it.
this empty feeling is consuming me. i want to be able to say that i can one day be normal. i want to be able to live my life, set goals and realize them.
I found a girlfriend. I thought Id feel whole with someone to love. But somehow I feel the same. I feel like I’m just going to let her down or scare her away. Like I should just end it before either of us gets too attached. No one wants to be the girl whose boyfriend killed himself…
So I took my sleeping pill in the early hours of the morning, and it kept me in peace until 8am. I woke up, drowsy. I think I drifted off again.. til 10am. But when I woke up then, I felt weird.
I felt lost, today. I feel empty, there so much pain and thoughts going on in my head but.. I can’t make them come out. I can’t cry today, I can’t feel. I feel disconnected from the world, like I’m not a part of it.
Even punching things, or cutting, didn’t make me cry or have them come out. I didn’t even feel the pain.
Today, […]
The world is an empty abyss. My soul is simply roaming through it, without a purpose. I am a lonely, terrible soul, wandering through this horrific place.
As I lay in my bed, I gaze up at the ceiling, just thinking. Sleep seems to be my only escape from this world…if only I could sleep forever.
Two “poems” that I’ve had as my Facebook status.
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