I want to understand why you guys post on here and what you get from it. I feel like shit and feel very numbly depressed…. and that is pretty much the only thing i feel motivated enough to say on here. None of you know me…. you can’t truly empathize with my problems and you can’t help me. So what’s the point?
My piece of shit brother, actually, he’s not my brother, he’s just a piece of shit that has the same mother as I do. Anyway, this piece of shit is cheating on his wife yet again. (Funny she didn’t see it coming, considering their relationship started with him cheating on his girlfriend at the time) and somehow I’m an asshole for being pissed. My youngest sister (who already can’t trust anyone) just found out she can’t even trust family, my other sister is getting shit ’cause she’s taking Tina’s (the wife) side, which I say is the right one. But somehow, our mother is naive […]
She’s so alone in the dark…abhorring herself more and more as nights go by.
Falling…
Falling…
Ever so deep into despair. The rest of the world look on from the top of her hole and cast laughs and hate..and pity.
Just close your eyes and sleep, young one, for you’ve held on quite long enough
I used to smile all the time. I never cared what anyone said about me. Then they started getting meaner meaner. They hit me and called me things like “slut” and “*****”. My own friends had turned on me. Like they didn’t even care about me anymore. I thought for a long time. Then I started cutting. I never thought I would be one of the people who started doing this. I actually felt really good. The bullying just got worse. I got so tried with it. I decided I wasn’t good enough because that’s what they told me. I got a bottle of pills […]
I don’t know how to be the way I used to be. Happy, caring, and ignorant. I have such a hard time when I get sad. I’m not depressed, I don’t think so. I’m happy, or at least semi-happy at times. I’m not a person that is miserable all the time. But when I do get upset I hit rock bottom. I lock myself up and cry and scrape my fists on brick walls.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what the hell happened. It’s as if someone snapped their fingers and I turned into someone started to disprove of, […]
So I haven’t been here on SP for 1,5 month I guess. It’s because I’m doing really bad. In that time I quitted school, had an intake with 2 mental health institutions, going to start therapy next week, got a cat (it’s really a sweetheart and I’m so glad my parents agreed with a pet), and yeah, the only thing I do is sleeping and sitting. Not going outside anymore, see nobody. Actually I have no life anymore. And the thing is: I don’t give a f*cking shit, I don’t care.
Last week, I grabbed my knife and started to cut, made a cut on […]
“This might be the heartache that don’t stop hurting, it just keeps working on me, it just keeps pickin’ on me.”
I’ve tried almost everything to make it go away. Smoking, drinking, sex, and shredding my wrists.. The most helpful thing has been cutting. Seeing the blood drip and roll down my body. It’s almost like I’m draining my body of the hurt. If I just bleed enough it’ll eventually go away forever.. at least that’s what I’m hoping. I’m at a dead end and I don’t know what else to do.. tell somebody? or keep shredding my body until I’m all gone? I’m running out […]
Well, it’s been two and a half months and I still can’t walk, I’ve been trying to convince myself that my leg will heal, but no progress yet, and I’m literally in enough pain that it’s keeping me from eating, I may lose my job because I can’t work, I may actually lose the ability to walk without some form of assistance, my disability checks stopped and I can’t get ahold of anyone I need to to start them up again, and I need to get $1500 together by june, which I could do if I skipped meals and was receiving some form of an […]
Here I lay,
On my bed ,
Its my shallow grave,
Not deep enough to see my pain,
Dig a little deeper,
You’ll see it there,
Along with my soul that I left somewhere,
I hope you find what your looking for,
In this shitty life you need to close the door,
The public doesn’t need to see what I have become,
Because I am a girl,
With feelings just as strong,
Call me Mia,
I speak for us all.
The day we have to be parted
When I don’t have you next to me
The distant between us makes me feel weary and loneliness begins to creep into my heart
But everytime when I hear that song… the song we used to listen together, my heart gets dirtied away
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As if I could feel your tender warmth when you were near
Do you know there is this one song… whenever I hear it, I would only think of you
And I don’t know how long it would be till we […]
“Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter? They say I’m better off now than I ever was..”
Dear Mom and Daddy,
You won’t ever read this because if I wanted you to then I would be writing this on paper and mailing to you to get a week from now. I’ve played over in my head a million times how to say all of this to you and I still don’t know how, but let me ask you something..
Did it ever occur to you that I’m not better!? That I’m not okay, in reality I’m worse than ever, and I’ve just gotten a […]
A month In a half ago,I almost overdosed on pcp.I smoked two wet sticks by myself.I could’ve stopped on the first one but I didn’t feel high enough.That day I had the truck pretty much all day with my friends getting high,drunk and on wet.My friends and I smoked six wet sticks that day.I was pretty messed up driving and stuff but I could still maintain,even long drives on the freeway that night.I went back to the house.I was cleaning the truck and I saw that my friend left to wet sticks In there so I started to smoke them. After the second one I […]
The quote is from a favorite show… it rings true right now.
I can’t see going out in my home and leaving a mess for everyone to clean up. I’ve failed at everything I ever set my hand to do in this life, so I would at least want my death to be beneficial. I would want a good death.
I’m thinking about life insurance policies and how I could go out so there would still be a payout. Maybe vigilante style, and make sure to end up near a hospital so there’s time enough for my organs to be donated.
Honestly I would prefer a heroic death. Charging into bullets, saving somebody, something. Maybe […]
I’ve been going out with the same girl for over 5 years. Tonight, when everyone will be sleeping, this is gonna end. Those are simple words. Meaningless words for you all. But you don’t know. Nobody knows. You’re not breathing my absence of air right now. You’re not filled with these sharp sticks inside your stomach. You’re all in your own world and it doesn’t affect you at all. So why am I writting it ?
To distract myself, maybe. To pause the destructive emotions. To use Mr. Brain and forget about Mr Heart for few minutes.
She will cry a lot. She will definitly hate me. She […]
I’ve been acting for my entire life, and I’m getting tired of it. However, every time I try to stop, people immediately begin criticising me and start comparing me to other, better people. I’m not useless. I’m a bad example. I used to be the person that everyone wanted me to be, but now I don’t know. I don’t know whether or not I should live. I don’t know whether or not anything is worth living for. I don’t know whether or not this is a bad dream and I’ll wake up soon. But mainly, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to face this. […]
So i’ve started hurting myself again in my sneaky way
all pain
no lasting scars
But now it doesn’t seem like enough and I don’t know what to do
I want my emotions to go away so i don’t do anything drastic, but ugh it’s just so confusing
So i guess that was the rant  for today
It seems like I’ve posted something like this before. Hmm…
At first, I had this long disclaimer about how this post was one big pity party…but then I realized that many, many posts could be interpreted as such…So anyway…
I was reading some other thread, and came across this comment:
“I understand if you want something done you have to do it yourself.”
Which is true enough; at the very least, you could set the ball rolling, could you not? But then again, there’s this thing from greek mythology about a god, called Sisyphus, who is compelled to roll an enormous bolder […]
I’m bored. And that’s bad. There’s a blade in my room, but I’m not even sure I’m ok enough to try to move it away. I think I’ll just leave it where it is. Another thing, even after actually getting a full night’s sleep, I’m still hearing someone call my name, and no one’s around me.
My best friend is having a birthday party in a couple weeks but it’s at a water park. My thighs have pink raised scars and there is no hiding those in a bikini. I’m going to try different ways to cover them up and if that doesn’t work I guess will be “sick” that weekend. I would feel really shitty about doing that though. I never thought I would live long enough to have this problem. It’s not like I want to put a damper on everyone’s day by explaining my scars. I hate getting attention. Surprise everyone I’ve found a religion that requires me […]
So many questions
Not enough answers
So many wounds
Not enough bandages
So many tears
Not enough tissues
So many pieces
Not enough tape
So many scars
Not enough memories
So much sadness
Not enough happiness
So much hate
Not enough love
So much hurt
Not enough comfort
So much pain
Not enough pleasure
So much negativity
Not enough positivity