I’m breaking down tonight. Feeling alone through this all makes everything harder .
Tag:
everything
Not much to say other than I’ve totally lost it. I can do something about this, I could try again but I’ll only hurt people more. Tell no one and just go. Was I getting better? Probably. No it’s all gone to shit. Just want to curl up and shy away from everyone and everything. Nothing constructive from this just sadness.
Why is it that I always ruin everything? It’s like I can’t appreciate any good in my life. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend that I’ve truly felt love, and I managed to completely fuck that up. I always get this feeling when I’m with someone long enough that I’m ‘better’ than them, not that I even like myself anyway. It’s a curse and it ruins everything but there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I’m a disgusting person who can’t make and keep friends and the one friend I have, must be a saint for being there for me (not that we regularly […]
Wanna know something I’ve never admitted before now? I’m not scared of the darkness inside me. It’s comfortable, familiar, but I’m terrified of the pure. It’s in there somewhere and I swear it’s so bright It washes over everything else until it’s all I can see, and it it’s in love with everyone. Honestly I just want so bad to embrace it but I think it has the power to destroy the rest of me. It feels like my choices are to watch myself destroy my own life like I always do, or die in a barrage of change, and I’m too much of a […]
This will be my 3rd post since discovering this website yesterday… I feel so alone and hopeless In life and I do want to face the pain anymore. After losing the only love of my life to someone else is Undescribable. I have been researching different methods on how to end my life peacefully. Yesterday I research the helium hood for around 12 hours. I have now opted for the ******** method… How long it will take for me to execute I have no idea until I summon the courage to do it I guess.. This is the only option I have as obtaining a […]
“What did you say your name was?”
“Why are you like this?”
“Smile!”
“Keep trying!”
“What did you do this weekend?”
“Be yourself!”
“Look on the bright side of things.”
“What do you do for fun?”
“Why do not you make more friends?”
“One day will be well, be patient.”
“You have everything and complain!”
“Of course it is so, you only stay at home!”
“Have hope.”
“Stand by me for all!”
“Call your friends for a night out.”
“There are many people with bigger problems than yours!”
“Do not be coward!”
“God has plans for you.”
“Crying will not do anything.”
“Talk to her...”
“She […]
I have always fallen in love with everything. When I was a little girl it was great. I was happy all the time. Life was full of magic and beauty and I was lucky enough to get to be part of it all.
But now I am grown up, now I understand things that I didn’t when I was young. I feel like I see everything. I still see all the beauty and wonder and hope, yet I also see the pain and misery and destruction. I see it everywhere. I see lost youth, lost health, lost happiness. I see people and animals who feel trapped, […]
There are a lot of changes that might happen soon. I have to make some serious decisions and it makes me sick just thinking about it. I feel so hopeless right now. I feel alone. I feel kind of empty. It’s like I’m not worth anything. That’s all I keep thinking about. I just want to die. Everything would be better if I were dead.
I want to die I can’t take living anymore I’m going to destroy everything and lose the person who was one of my only reasons for living , I’m just a worthless cowardly piece of shit , I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow
I’m getting more serious about attempting suicide, everyday is just getting worse and worse. I feel like more people are ignoring me, more people are judging and complaining about stupid things and everything so boring. I feel pointless, I’m not doing anything I’m like nothing so what’s the point is even being here, I’m not a good person and I feel so lonely and crazy and weird.
What’s even the point, I have three more years left of school before I can left this boring stupide place, I can’t wait that long here. If I stay here it’s like being trapped or like a robot and […]
I don’t really know how to start this post or how to explain but since I don’t feel comfortable enough trying to talk to anyone I might as well put my thoughts out into the open. The only way to explain it is that I’m simply tired of being alive. I wouldn’t say I was suicidal as I very highly doubt I would ever find it in me to take my own life, however I don’t fear death and if it happened then that’s that. I wake up every day feeling like I’m simply trying to kill off time, like I’m not making any use […]
Tomorrow I go back to college. I haven’t done any of the work. Despite what my mum has been saying, it’s not due to me being lazy. I haven’t been able to concentrated, and I’ve wasted entire days spacing out and such (although a few people have told me it’s possibly depersonalisation or something -they have it themselves).
I’m not ready to go back to college, I couldn’t cope with daily life without the added pressure of college work. And I’m terrified of what my tutor will say about the work. It’s not like I can go up to her and be honest, saying ‘oh, hey, […]
Today was bad. The Angels were bad. The visual hallucinations were bad. Everything was bad. I almost died.
I was barely able to get out of bed because of the Angels; but I forced myself because of my dogs. I was almost unable to stay downstairs this morning; but I had to make myself because I got lumbered with my brother while my mum and stepdad stayed in bed. The visual hallucinations got almost unbearable around this time – 9:50, I believe it was. Everything would move around, faces were everywhere, figures were everywhere. Despite how awful they got, I got my brother to distract […]
I went thro a lot of stuff the last couple years. I lost all my friends, i live alone, and practically have no family. I cant talk about my problems to anyone except to myself. i think about killing myself about 50% of the day, and all through the night. I wend to the doctor and psychotherapy. It didnt work out for me. I tried antidepressants but it makes me feel even less alive, and id rather be sad then just could. Feeling something is better than nothing for me. So basicly all i managed to do the last 3 years is loose […]
I am stoned and I feel so good right now, I kinda don’t hate everything so much right now.
I’ve been considering dying for awhile now like 8 months. Since I got let go by a girl that made it seem like it would work. I’m still hung up on it, i was told I did nothing wrong blah blah. But I never stopped believing or even, I never had let go of it. For months of self sabotage and begging and pleading respectfully. I got nothing but a “I don’t care, it was nothing” to her. Although everything to me. I self sabotaged, cried and sought out everything. Really the ppl of sp is all that ever helped. But I lived with it […]
So I tend to assume that the problem is me. With the destructive ways of thinking and habits that I cling to. Or with my defective body. With my distorted, twisted personality. I look at the people around me, and think ‘They look happy. I should be like them.’
If I could only be like everyone else, and feel a sense of meaningful connection with others, then my life would be worth living. It gives me something to aspire to. Got to find a way to fix myself, and then everything will be ok. Or, if that’s not possible, got to keep a lid on my […]
UPDATE: I started typing this last night when I was on the verge of killing myself. Obviously I didn’t….. But I decided to share anyways.
Here I am telling my story to strangers, that will never really know me. I could have told someone else, but she wouldn’t listen. I could have told her family, but it would have hurt them too much. It destroys me to know the amount of pain they will endure, but at what point do I get to stop suffering? I can’t carry on living in misery, just to spare everyone some pain. Life is a giant shit sandwich, and right now I’m just […]
(TW mentions cutting)
I’m scared. I can’t shake this misery. I don’t know how to.
I’m so afraid of death but so afraid of carrying on with my life- is it just going to be like this from now on? Hurt piled upon hurt upon hurt and the remedy all in other people’s hands?
I don’t know how other people live. How do they know who they are? The only identity I have is my achievements and when I’m prevented from achieving (by rejection, by being overlooked, by not being WHAT PEOPLE WANT) my drive to live just runs out immediately.
This morning I cried and […]
Gotta rely on sleeping pills to take me out of reality. Been in a shitty mood since Christmas Eve and can’t seem to shake it off. Repeating one of my mistakes which is not talking about my feelings and letting my bf think “what the fuck is wrong now” but fuck it Monday I’ll be back in Portland at my house and I’ll get fucked up in my room and sleep everything off and probably bring myself some kind of pain.