It makes not since.. Back at one..
You told me I meant so much to you, yet when I try to do something to benefit you because I know if I didn’t do what I did, you’d be in serious trouble… you turn everything around and pin things on me, to make me seem like the bad guy.. I can’t say I don’t have any mistakes, we all do.. But I never do anything to hurt you, and if I have it’s not intentionally.. I have only ever cared for you, more than I think I actually know how to care for myself and my […]
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everything
I should have known. I was stoic before I, really, met you. I was made of stone…granite! Nothing could break down these walls…then you came along. You changed me, somehow. You did everything right. You were nearly perfect! You were formal and appropriate. I convinced myself that I was being ridiculous. Why was I keeping you at a distance? I gave myself permission to let you into my heart and to see my soul…
HOW COULD YOU? I LOVED YOU! YOU MADE ME LOVE YOU!
Now where am I? I can’t eat without feeling sick. I go to bed with my last thoughts on you….and I wake […]
If only I was well, I can leave it all behind.
I am not, I’ve been robbed of my life.
My project gives me anxiety, it overwhelms me. Talked to more people, getting more people involved. They don’t know I am suicidal and very depressed. They don’t know that I need to give up. They don’t know that I will fall apart any moment. The truth is, I don’t think I will make it to finish what I started.
I don’t want to die, but I can’t live a life without a future. It pains me so very much that I have to give up […]
I am ending my life tomorrow. I just can’t keep going. I have ruined everything that was good in my life. I will send my son to my mom’s house. My boyfriend will be at work, so, I can go in peace. I wish counseling would have worked. I wish I was stronger. I’m just not. The self harm is taking it’s toll on me as well. There’s nothing here for me anymore.
I’d like to reconsider my life. Find someone that I could speak to, someone that I could really pour my soul out to. I need someone that will care for me, caress me, hold me when I’m crying. Not a guidance councillor, not my parents or family, but someone.. A stranger. A stranger that understands. A stranger that will wipe away the drops of water rolling down my cheek. A stranger that will love me. A stranger that will not leave me stranded in a room full of depression. I need someone to look at me in the eyes, and tell me that I’m beautiful.
I am […]
I want to share my story here in brief. I have everything in my life parents, good job , had higher studies but I am a very sensitive girl. I always wanted to have a true lover who can caRe for me more than anything, who can do anything to make me happy simply who can love me deeply. I have boyfriend but I don’t think he loves me that much. He thinks about himself . We had fights n I have tried attempts after that. I hurt myself physically but he is still same. He can’t wipe my tears off. I want to kill […]
I’ve fought my depression alone for eight years. It was a struggle I was losing most of the time. My depression is a black cloud that covers me and strangles and poisons everything in my life. My depression has defined everything about me as a person, a few of these things being my motivation, self-confidence and social life. I hate the person I see in the mirror with such intensity it scares me. I would numb myself from the world by seeking out any distractions I can find, be it books or video games (with diminishing results, I can’t pick up a book anymore and I […]
I’m so fucking ugly.
No, stop. Don’t think about it.
I don’t feel anything.
Yes I do.
I can feel everything.
Just shut your fucking mouth if you don’t know what to say.
I don’t need your words, they won’t cure me.
If you want to help let me talk.
Stop trying to promise it’ll get better.
Stop trying to make everything simple.
Stop trying to belittle the situation.
I need help, I get that.
Thinking positive, I haven’t heard of that before, I’ll do that.
Having fun, I’ll give it a go.
But,
it doesn’t feel fun.
Please don’t ask me what’s wrong.
Don’t […]
sleep like dead men; wake up like dead men and when the sun comes, try not to hate the light
by cathy arsis
written by cathy arsis
this insomnia will be the death of me…..i go days without sleeping….i’ve tried everything, and i do mean everyhing, other than giving myself a concussion, benzos, sominex, chamomille tea, melatonon, entire bottles of nyquil ,benedryl….eventually after a couple of days i’ll crash, but it’s still not restorative sleep, and then i’ll wake up a few hours later….my husband says i’ve been screaming in my sleep, or whimpering and begging….once i even cried while sleeping…..but when he wakes me i have no recollection of any dreams…i’m at my wits end with it….hypothetically speaking, if i hadnt been crazy before these 2-3 days at a time bouts […]
August 9th 2013, 5:54pm. Devastion was on the rise. My father had died then from being in a coma from an overdose of drugs. Now almost 8 months later I am just done, I can’t be around any longer, I feel like when I’m in school everything we talk about is conected to my parents. My mom dosnt have that much money as an average person, we r not poor, but we do rent for like 700$ among the 4 of us and its a small space. My mom dosnt notice I’m depressed or strugle in school because I try my best for her. And […]
I don’t know how I ended up here. I had so much “potential.” I was smart, funny and somewhat attractive. Atleast on the outside. I suffer alone, in silence. I go through my day taking care of everyone and everything else while inside the pain is unbearable. On the outside people would say what do I have to complain about? They don’t understand. They see what I allow them to see. I try to compensate for my emotional pain with outward success. The more I hurt the more I try to accomplish. I feel so lost. I have always been expendable to the people that […]
Last night my boyfriend broke up with me. If you’ve read my last post then you would know how much pain I’m probably in. I know why he left even though he didn’t specifically tell me. It’s because I was simply too depressed. I was too much to handle for him. I don’t blame him for leaving because I would too if I were him. I don’t really see a point in living. I understand that it sounds stupid of me for saying that, but so what? I understand that there are “more fish in the sea” but he was the one with me through everything. […]
I don’t get why my body goes from shaking anxiety to staring off into the distance depression. Just the other day I was shaking and couldn’t put one thought with another. Now I’m sitting here staring thinking too much about everything.
I want to reply with the chorus from Metallica’s song Trapped Under Ice, but that’s just opening pandora’s box and I really don’t want to guide anyone down my rabbit hole of misery.
Freezing
Can’t move at all
Screaming
Can’t hear my call
I am dying to live
Cry out
I’m trapped under the ice
I feel like that every weekend, when I’m laying in bed, blanket pulled up over my head. I have every thought in the world for productive things I could do, but I never move. I spent the majority of this past weekend laying in bed sulking […]
Meh. Not sure what I should think about it. I mean I enjoyed it, we got to know each other better and I think she had fun too. Even though there were a couple of moments where neither of us said anything and it was kinda awkward, but not as bad as the usual awkward silence I get when I’m nervous. Speaking of, I’m glad I wasn’t actually as nervous as I thought I would be. But I’m not at the point yet where I’d say the “ice is broken”. Usually when I get to know someone new I can tell pretty well when that […]
I am in the process of planning a way out of my miserable existence. I am not some teenager suffering angst or going to kill myself over a boyfriend or failed relationship.
Life continues to shit on me and recent events have just proven it yet again. It does not matter what I do or learn, how I try to improve myself, who I know or meet, I am just fated to lose in every way imaginable. I’m almost 50 and have finally accepted it’s never going to be any different. There is no hope.
I’m giving myself a certain number of months to get everything […]
Do you ever feel yourself slipping back into the darkness and you try your hardest not to; you claw away at yourself and at everything around you in an attempt to stay sane.
You watch as all the things you care about become meaningless and things that once brought you happiness are now just chores, things you have to do in order to keep up the appearance that everything is normal.
Each time I battle these ‘demons’, eventually I find myself back in their company and the sick thing is, it’s like reuniting with an old friend.
uhm hi everyone,im new here.so last summer i tried to kill myself with pills but i failed and ended up in hospital for 2 weeks.i was diagnosed with major depression.my whole family thinks this is some kind of joke,they think that theres no way i could be depressed bc im just a teen and its so disgustin and annoying.my parents are horrible.theyre calling me names and expect too much.i cry almost everynight because i cant get their words oyt of my head.my mom thinks “i’ve everything” but to her everything is money and material stuff.they never tried talking to me and always act like everything […]
The people on this site are really nice, but when you have a problem, that when you tell someone, no matter how nice they are, they will judge you in disgust and hate you, what do you do? If someone found out, I’d be immediately hospitalized and possibly arrested. I am so scared of being hospitalized again. I was hospitalized once a couple years ago from midnight to 4:30 AM. Worst few hours of my life. Also, I wouldn’t want my family to get upset over this, because I’d just be the family problem again, and if they knew, they’d hate me too. It’s not […]
I’m not a serious person at all. The only time I am serious is in writing. I don’t understand how everyone can live knowing all their happiness is a delusion. It’s impossible for me. Funny how everyone tries to be something, something they think important, when it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if you die today or in forty years, because some day everything will parish and it will be as if the human race, and everything else, never had even existed.