 
  Sometimes I can’t stand to see my own reflection. I can’t seem to see that the person in the mirror is me. I try to not look but when I do I suddenly break down, the world crashes around me. I am unable to do what I normally would which is distance myself from everyone and fade away into my own place. It feels like everyone is screaming at […]
At the risk of identifying myself to anyone who knows me..
I had a woman come up to me a couple weeks ago and casually,comfortably,awkwardly tell me that she had followed me off a city bus a couple years ago in a snowstorm after exchanging smiles. To clarify, she was beautiful in the way that i like. The whole experience was so wholly unexpected…. that I honestly questioned whether or not i had imagined it
Kind of sobering.. I found it easier to believe that i had suddenly become delusional enough to imagine this.. than it actually happening.
So she asked me if i remembered her… If i […]
I never asked to be born. It’s not like I was given much of a choice. I didn’t choose my parents, my house, the schools I went to or the country in which I live. I’m just here. And everyday it becomes harder for me to accept that. It’s not my fault that I see the world the way I do, or that I hold such feelings of hatred for it. Nothing would make me happier than to see it and everyone in it burn. But no amount of me hoping, ranting or dreaming of that is going to make it happen. So I give […]
It may sound counterintuitive but I consider the wish to die to be a sign of hope. After all, what is that person saying other than, I HOPE that what comes after life, whether it be nothing or another life, is better than this one. It is the HOPE of something better which makes us reach for something else. Without that hope, what’s the point in dying?
And it must be hope that drives that wish as there is NO information on what happens after death. It may be that we simply cease. It may be that we experience an afterlife full of peace and love, […]
i shouldnt feel this way. i got rid of all those feelings when i left my old school. i have new friends, a new identity, a new school and a fresh start.  then why do i still feel like this. I just float through life everyday, a lifeless burden to myself.  I hate everything that i am, i hate everything that i do, have done and probably will do. i walk around school with this label “smiler” because im always smiling!
“hey smiler!” “right smiler!” dont they know its all a cover? a front if you will? Im alone, scared, cutting and dying inside. I respect myself […]
I’m currently at work, my back is killing me, Still, I manage to keep a normal expression on my face, but I’m in pain, my back has been hurting me for the past 3 days and it’s just getting worse, I’ve put icy hot to calm my muscles but still, the pain is there. Last week my hair began to fall out so much, not just what you would expect, like if I run my fingers through, I’d pull out about 20 each time or more, it’s scary, I’m so afraid of brushing it now. Is it because I’m stressed out? Last night my ex […]
I always have great imagination, i can simulate what’s going to happen in the near future
but what i see is always a dull boring life, of course i also tried challenging and less predictable activities like mountain climbing and ruins exploring, but in the end nothing happened and i went back to my boring life
I always wished i would just kick the bucket during one of my journeys, but to no avail. I have always survived and while it was a refreshing experience, the excitement won’t last even for a day, daily life is just too boring god……..
as much as i wished for a “switch […]
I hate myself
When I talk to her
I want to hurt myself
When I think about her I want to hurt myself
When I remember you words
I want to end my life
I want to cry
I don’t have the balls to die.
I’m stronger then I appear at my weakest
But I’m always T my weakest.
A few minutes ago for about half an you I just wanted to cut myself… I feel better after posting this. Thank you. I love you all
I really feel like I don’t belong here. For awhile, I thought I was holding on for a purpose, but now I just feel like it is my time to go. I can’t hurt everyone who loves me. I promised myself I wouldn’t do that to them, they don’t deserve it. I was getting counseling, but I hated every second of it… I thought it would be hard to convince my therapist I was okay again, but it wasn’t… at all. The lies came so quickly, I know the perfect things to say. She believed me, every expression she gave was of utter joy. She […]
I’ve started this post and deleted multiple times since I first logged in. Because the truth is I read the description for schizoid personality disorder but I haven’t been diagnosed, and if I do have it, I probably won’t be diagnosed because there is no way I’m going to talk to someone about this. And no one will probably guess I feel this way because of the way I act. Nearly all the time around other people I can smile, joke, and get along just fine. I don’t feel anxious talking to people and can communicate fine, about things that don’t matter. Work, school, the […]
It’s he evening, and the day has finally started to catch up to me. A number of chance events have lead me to this.. Now I guess I finally have to suck it up.
Today, after being out of school since the holidays, and after a previous attempt at a meeting (which ended horribly with me ‘moving’ my principal out of my way), I was brought to another shitty, high school meeting. Yes, the police were invited this time.
So apparently a “warning sign” is writing “black poetry”. Their words. Not mine. There goes my expression..
They also mentioned about how I’ve added posts to here from school.. […]
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