I know we’ll never understand each other but just try to make an effort.
You don’t imagine how frustrating is have a “depressive” side that no one in your family knows or even imagine. I hide my tears. I hide my sadness. I hide my fooling (?) I hide just that side.
I wish I can make you proud but even if I try and try I can’t is something inside me who need to disappear before I could.
I love you even if sometimes I want you to disappear
Please forgive me
Tag:
family
Lots of things had happened and all they turned me into stupid depressed teenager. I used to cope with the problems and I was fine, but now things are worse. Nothing can make me happy. I have only one real friend but although he tries to make me happier, he can’t. The others laugh at me, tell me I’m fat, stupid, ugly, idiot, etc. My family doesn’t understand me. They thing I’m ok, but I’m not. I just can cope with all my problems. I tried to stop self-harming, but I couldn’t. I didn’t eat for days, but I got ill and it didn’t help. […]
I was just thinking.
I came across this site and started reading some of these posts, and realised I’m not the only one who feels alone. ‘Im so scared of doing something stupid.
I’m writing a post on here because this is the only way i can get my thoughts out without the constant judgement. Today my mum woke me up so i could go shopping with her. I got all dressed up, I wanted to feel nice and i did. In the car on the way there i put my headphones in, and just looked at all the cars going past. Wishing i was […]
Oh . my. fucking. god.
Long story short, I had a father who abused my mother, i would protect her causing me to get beat instead of her which was totally fine with me, as long as she wasnt hurt. one day he went too far, and she FINALLY -thank god- divorced the beast. that was around 3 years ago, and we haven’t kept in contact, (me and my father) . But my birthday, was around a month ago, and he sent presents for the very first time, whoopee. a fucking month late. cheers dad. not only that, but he sent me clothes, all in […]
   Something that I’ve learned recently is that when somebody very close to you passes away, the process of grieving that we human go through never really goes away and it can come back at any moment and smack you down hard.
Â
    On July 24th 2008, the day after my 23rd birthday, my dad was diagnosed with ‘Small Cell Lung Cancer’ and it was devastating to my family. He’d had a pain in his shoulder and when he had gone to the doctors they suspected pneumonia. With the confirmation of cancer, he was told they could not cure it but could prolong his […]
this year was the toughest one I have had in my life. i dropped out of college twice and was hospitalized 4 times. i have experienced the lowest points in my life this year. but i have also realized many important things. i have grown up. i have gotten closer to my husband. he is my best friend. he helps me through my illness. i have gotten closer to my church family and i am now in the beginning phases of getting real intensive treatment for my BPD. i hope that i begin to really heal this year. i am fed up of this lifestyle […]
My family are all two-faced bitches! If only i had known sooner, i would have never had anything to do with them, although they caused me loads of problems from 2008-2010 so i don’t know why the hell i didn’t come to terms sooner, i’m most likely retarded… All i know is i hate them!
Those words..
They sting..
Worse then heartbreak? Actually, yeah.
And those words, there coming from my Dad.
“I don’t know boys you’ve been kissing.”
He wouldn’t let me drink out of his soda..
Yeah, it hurt. But I just laughed like it was a joke..
Nope, it wasn’t.
i was happy once, i know i was..just cuz i cant remember it doesnt mean it didnt happen. right? burn after burn nothing gets better, cut after cut. pill after pill. and im still the same.. nothing will change will it? i will never be good enough for my parents. i dont understand why i even care about their opinion. i hate them but since theyre my parents i have to love them… i wish my life was different.. i wish i was happy.. i wish i was dead.. and thats the truth.. life would be much better without me.. no one can deny it.. […]
well.. weekend was kinda good. spent most of it as my friends, meaning i only had to see my family for half of sunday. yay!
but when i got home.. mom bitches at me about how i fidgit all the time. i cant help it!
dad gets mad cuz i always wear a hat. so what? my parents are so stupid. need to get mad at me about anything. i start talking back to my mom and shed ask “have you taken your pills today?” uugghhhh.. life sucks.. i burn now instead of cutiing. hurts more. and i’ve barley eating since friday. lost a lot of weight. […]
I’ve written my suicide note before, but a lot has changed since 3 months ago. I have more to say. I’m not saying that I will kill myself but if I do, I want people to know how I felt about them.
My whole life I’ve been told that I was smart. Smart enough to do anything I wanted. I would be the one in the family to go the furthest and make everyone proud. Well, here I am, about to fail my first class in grad school. There’s no way out of it now, save death. The final is Monday, and I know nothing. Every time I try to study I look blankly at the slides for about a half hour, then cry for an hour, then I’m so exhausted all I want to do is take a shower and go to sleep. Everywhere I turn […]
I’ve gotten to be very good at hiding what’s inside. Whenever somethings wrong or bothering me, I can usually hide it really well. I have several different masks though..
Home/Family Mask- When I’m home and just around my parents i usually just chill in my room and act tired (which i usually am when im upset). I curl up in my sweat pants and wrap up in blankets so they can’t see if I have hurt myself in anyway. But I havnt done that in a while. This mask is usually just hiding out and being tired.
Dance Mask- When i’m at dance, i just try to act goofy […]
I’ve been really thinking about everything that’s happened to be and what might happen to me lately I kinda just want to get everything that’s happened to me out there. I’ve never actually told anyone my whole life story before. I don’t expect this to get me any comments or any views for that matter, I just want to get if off my chest. It kinda explains why I am who I am. Well, I guess I’ll start from the beginning:
When I was 2 months old my mom found out my dad was on some serious drugs. He actually dealt drugs. Every kind you could think of, he had. As soon as […]
I’m so glad of being here again. I was missing this, the people and the entries… everything. I feel really happy right now because I missed everyone.
Haven’t written in a while. It’s because I was busy, being a bad person. I already wrote a note to my imaginary friend (he killed himself a few weeks ago) apologizing because the things I’ve done. I’m sorry, I feel guilty. I think it wasn’t such a big deal but anyway… it was just wrong.
Talking about something else, I tried marijuana  last tuesday. It was an interesting experience, I wasn’t completely high but I did was feeling the effects of the drug. […]
Well, this is my first post on here, so might as well tell you why I’m here.
I had the perfect life, weren’t many people in it but those I had were the best. I depended mostly on my best friend and boyfriend. I was doing great with studying. I didn’t speak to my parents much but when I did they were friendly and supportive.
I had been with my boyfriend for 9 months, but it felt like forever, which isn’t a bad thing. We rarely argued and when we did we were quick to forgive each other. We often talked about the future and I convinced […]
My dad and I… we have our own problems. He’s an addict, he can’t live without self-medication, doesn’t really likes doctors. One day, he fell and broke his knee. He was complaining about the pain, the problem that the injury causes for walking, for weeks. My mother told him to go with a doctor, but he refused. Since I can remember, he takes a lot of pills all the time. Now I do that too, sometimes.
His marriage with my mother has never been good. One of my oldest memories is my mother and my father in a room, and they were in opposite sides, running away […]
Have we ever think about others? We all do that? Does everyone has someone that need to be loved?
If I’m sincerely, a part of me don’t want to die because that means leaving someone, or something, that is very, very important to me: Boddah, my teddy bear. Â This may sound ridiculous, but is something, is a reason for keep going.
What about you? Does anyone has something or someone that make you reconsider your own wishes to die? A mother, a father, any family member, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a lifelong friend, a pet, a teddy bear.
Are we being selfish or we’re releasing […]
tommorows the big day!!!I got ahold of my moms box cutter the other night.Earlier that day i found some numbing stuff.its for teeth but i think if i put it on the blade itll numb the area for awhile.I probably should pay atenttion to my rule of not drawing atenttion to myself.But im not going to kill myself at home.I scared the fuck out of everybody with sleeping pills.If im around strangers and i dont know if thats good or bad thing.But then itll be easier.Im falling apart. Just yesterday i couldve been killed walking off at home att night.There was a guy in the […]
All my life I have heard the phrase, “It gets better”, well I am living proof that no it does not, at least it hasn’t in my experience. If my life was going to get better, and stop from spiraling out of control, then wouldn’t it have gotten at least a little bit better by now? I mean it has been over six years, and nothing has changed, it has only gotten worse. I’m tired of living, of my suicide attempts failing, only to wake up from yet again another failure, whilst the madness and chaos that is my life resumes. No one cares about […]