im a 20 yo male. ive been feeling this way a while now, it doesn’t seem to be getting better. i have friends and family that love me just as much as i love them. as much as it hurts though, i don’t think they can fix the way i feel. i don’t feel control over my emotions like i used to. i have good days, then i have days where i feel like im falling much too fast to be caught. no hard drugs here, just pot. i think it helps me. i don’t want to depend on it though. i have support, i […]
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fast
Red rush from the entry
The shining blade hovers like a sentry
The tremor travels though my hand
Until I can no longer stand
Sensation shakes my body
And shakes the numbness encased in me
Escape at last
From the future and past
Fading at last
The blackout approaching fast
But numbness persists
So I must assist…
Drive it home down to bone
Truly alone
My heart a darkening stone
As its beat begins to lose tone
I’m so tired of being a punching bag. Why do you have to push all of your ideals, veiws and bs on me. I’m wearing out real fast now and I have no idea how much longer I’ll be able to last….
If you hate me so much now and have regrets the why the hell did you even keep me ariund.
Well dont worry. You know my favorite saying a man is known by the silence he keeps… I guess I’ll take that saying literally and become silent forever.
I burn so fierce, though the rain pours in drowning surge, it neither puts out my fire nor overwhelms my breath.
So I take another pill lying here in the gutter, trying to dampen the pain booze couldn’t quench. As wishes leave my heart, and mind realize the truth behind the naive, my eye glance at the wound on my wrist, and a small stream of red in the water rushing down, far into the distant. Seems the rain doesn’t erase at once.
Smiling, as another pill is swallowed, for my broken bones ache so bad from the fall. Such luck to land […]
I have student loans. A personal loan. Attorneys fees for a divorce I’m going through. I have NO JOB. No income. I’ve applied to every job available here including fast food jobs and nobody will hire me. I’ve suffered from depression and bipolar disorder. I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I’m lost. I have no hope. I can’t even see myself making it to next month because I can’t afford to pay anything. I don’t want to die, but I feel like it’s my only option. I’m just so sad and depressed and scared about my finances. I wish I could just go […]
Yet again, I don’t know why I keep posting here while I can just do it and get it over with but I got exhausted already of trying to hang myself over 10 times today exploiting the chance that my brothers are out and only me left home and I wanted to talk to someone about my failure. As much as I’m committed to dying I don’t want to feel so much pain in my windpipe (swallowing) while trying to hang myself. Maybe I’m doing it wrong? It’s partial suspension I’m attempting and by a belt. My larynx seems to be the only problem that […]
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be buried and forgotten as fast as the cries for help I post. Sometimes help is counterproductive anyways.
God I just wish this pain would go away. I actually slept a little today since I haven’t been sleeping at all the past couple weeks and then cleaned the house a bit to keep my mind off how much I want to die. I was doing good and then my PTSD hit fast and hard. I dropped the dish I was holding and it shattered on the floor as I crumpled into a ball. As the memories flooded my mind like a bad nightmare, I was shaking uncontrollably and had a hard time breathing. I was left with a new anger all over again […]
Yet another day I am woken early. Why this time? I don’t have a friggin clue! No kids to watch, no food to watch, no doors to be left unlocked & I dont need to go anywhere. Not that I can cos the only key I have is the garage door remote & they stopped working & cannot be moved manually.
So here I am, finally having a good sleep, when my friend wakes me up, to inform me that they are leaving. I dont remember agreeing to go anywhere today, & the kids are dressed & not playing xbox & she has a key to […]
Finally! I did it late last afternoon. I made everything ready, and then set me Down in my sofa/ couch and drank 4 beer. I found some good music on my stereo and did it! But… I woke up on the floor. The homemade fabric “Rope” i had made was broken. I remember when i was “Gone” hearing a lot of noise and wery fast loud breathing sounds. Really scary. I don’t know how long i was gone. When i woke up i did’nt knew WHO i was or WHERE i was for like 10 seconds. It was wery unrealistic. Now my throat Hurts when i swallow, […]
After my divorce and being emotionally beaten down on a daily basis, I met this wonderful guy online. Things moved fast he moved in after only a couple weeks. He always had pool or guys game night and would leave his daughter with me but he always came home. I believed everything he told me….three months later he left and moved right in with this other chick. We had our huge blow up and then started sleeping together again. It’s been almost two years now and he”dates” people and even lives with them but is always hanging out with me because I claim I’m fine […]
Okay, in the past week I’ve run the full spectrum of emotions. From depression, to anxiety, to straight out mania. Right now I’m manic. While I’d rather be manic than depressed. However, rather than those I would rather just feel like myself. Quiet, introverted, shy, but still secure in myself enough to know my worth. Right now I’m everything but that. Excitable, fidgety, talkative, basically sprung as though I’m about to run a 10k. Don’t like this. It’s a trap! I’m telling myself I’m more productive in this state but that’s just a lie. In actuality, nothing gets finished. Everything is left half complete, which […]
I feel like I am always searching for a place to fit in. Just to blend in with all the other people that fit in. But all I manage to do is watch them; Envy them; Pretend that I am like them.
I feels like I am just watching life from behind a glass. I can see what’s going on but I can’t join..I can’t touch them, I am never going to be one of them. There is always Something separating me from them. I don’t exactly know how to describe it. It is invisible and yet when I reach out I can touch it, […]
Good day everyone,
Terribly sorry for seeming helpless and sharing too much of my personal issues here, but when one is desperate for help they take any opportunity.
I’ve been researching on ways to avert suicide and I came upon this site. I have been battling against suicidal thoughts since I was 11 after a classmate demonstrated, in front of our very eyes, how to slash wrists. (Mind you, she just wanted to show how brave and utterly reckless she was for doing something that makes her feel above others who couldn’t, at the time, even consider harming themselves.) – I followed her footsteps when […]
Sit on the sand,
No other hand.
Sit there alone,
Heart cold as stone.
Sit there at night,
Have no more fight.
Sit there and think,
Sit on the brink.
Sit there and hear,
The ocean real clear.
Sit there under the moon,
Time to go soon.
Ocean is rough,
Life is too tough.
Sit there, ready to jump in.
Sit there now,
Death it will win.
Stars in the sky,
Don’t want to cry.
Just make it real fast,
So the suffering won’t last.
Its not like Im some teenage girl going through tough times. iam a 20 year old adult who wants to be free, i dont care what it takes, i dont even care anymore about anything, i’ll be doing it for myself and only myself to free myself from this world, because this world is black, and i have seen colors, i have enjoyed here but not anymore, im not sad, i know this is the right thing to do and i will be getting hold of a gun soon, guns are fast, and they suit my personality.
So I’ve been fighting with depression through high school and so on, due to relationship troubles (or the lack thereof). But after graduation and freshman year of college was where it nearly killed me. (Twice.)
Winter quarter, I met the love of my life. Everything about her was perfect, except for her abusive family. She would cry in my arms each night, telling me horror stories of her childhood and adulthood. Months passed, and we helped each other through the days. Around Valentine’s Day, she hadn’t spoken with me for three days, so being the idiot like I was, I thought nothing of it.
Until I got […]
Entry 3
Beer beer I’m drinking beer. I’m gonna get drunk and overcome my fear.
I couldn’t afford it but that’s okay I don’t need money where I’m going anyway. Only a gold coin to pay the man so he can ferry me far away from this land.
All the bad memories and actions past, I’ll make them end very fast. The daily stresses and endless fights will surely be over after tonight. I’m done and spent I’ll tell you that. I don’t have to worry this beer will make me fat.
Goodbye mum goodbye dad I’m so sorry that I was so bad. Goodbye lover who was only […]
So there I was. Laying in the cold water in the tub holding my arm. So many cuts, but none of course would have do exactly what I wanted. Yes, I’m talking about me dying. My thoughts on just laying there bleeding out came across my mind a lot. It wasn’t how I wanted it. I wanted to go fast and simple. Never knew how I would do it exactly. As more and more tears ran down my face the sickening feeling I kept getting in my stomach. So I attempted to drown myself, yes it sounds silly. I laid under the water still surprisingly […]
There are some things that I cannot let go of.
I want answers from those who will not give me any.. not now, not ever.
Desperation washes over me whenever I think of ‘back then’ and the truth is that I’m not sure that what I remember is what happened because I was so young at the time. All I want is for those who were involved to ‘fess up for once in their lives, but I know deep down that it will never happen.
So, for the past few years I’ve been trying to forget.
Each hour now pasts like a dream – so detached from reality – […]