My original post of this was a little harsh, so I posted a better version of it. I’m 25, married and suffering. This is just a glimpse of what my life has been like. At age 4 I was diagnosed with Spinabifida, and then my dad died. I grew up an angry kid. As I got older I got Appendicitis and lost tons of weight. I was down to near 70 pounds when they finally got the appendix out. After months of therapy I finally healed. Everything seemed to get better and so I wanted to start a new life. I got married and moved to PA. I went from job to job not knowing why. Maybe my focus was just off, or problems on my mind. Finally I got on meds and started to feel better about things. Then one day I felt weak and fell at work. Chambersburg hospital cleared me to go home. I got home and for no reason started screaming “I’m ready to go!” “I’m ready to fucking die now!” and collapsed. I don’t remember much. Just my wife talking to me asking If I’m ok and then the ambulance ride. I could see everything, but frozen and unable to speak.
The 18 gauge needle stuck in my arm. The paramedic rubbed on my chest and I woke up confused. Went back to Chambersburg again and they cleared me again. Went to Hershey Medical. They did tons of tests, nothing. They said I am suffering from Non-Epileptic Seizures and that no medication can cure them. The only option was psychology. Here I am since September, facing this challenge every day. I never know when I’m going to get into that doll-like state. When I’ll start spitting or thrashing everywhere, or even when I’m going to choke on my own food. All I’ve got is a warning-sign. An ache in my right leg before it all goes down. I’ve gotten so sick of this I finally tried a suicide attempt a few days ago. Enough suffering for one guy right? I tried to OD on various drugs and alcohol slowly but I didn’t get far enough. I forced myself to vomit. I was too afraid of pain. That’s why I’ve never killed myself, it’s always been because of the fear of pain. Whatever the ride after death is doesn’t scare me, it’s what I have to endure for that to happen.
I’m a talented person but creativity is never enough. You will always feel that emptiness inside no matter what you do. This new seizure thing still scares the shit out of me. No matter how many times I’ve seen the colors fade, no matter how many transparent shapes I’ve seen, this is terrifying. My family life is dysfunctional, I keep in contact with my grandparents and brother only. I’m not going to go into why I don’t speak to my mom, It’s a mile-length list. This is what I’ve currently got going on right now…My mind is doing a hundred things at once juggling ADHD, Depression and OCD, My family life is fucked, I can’t drive, work or even pay the bills, I still am having Seizures which causes me to also get severely depressed, and I have no heat right now. Just remember you’ve only got yourself in life. I got myself through everything that I’ve been through. People had me believe it was God at one point, but after trying and trying and praying praying for years to someone that isn’t there, it was time to call it quits. Look I’ve been there before. I’ve cut, I’ve ODd, I’ve thought just like you (and still do). I know what you are going through. Read this post and think about what’s going on in your life. Maybe it’ll make you feel better, maybe not. I’m not really trying to connect to people, just share my story.
4 comments
Man, you’ve been through a lot. I can understand being suicidal. I really don’t know what to say, what is there to say?
No worries. I’m shocked that I’m still alive that’s all I can really say. Something keeps me going though. Thanks for reading.
Hey Proktor,
Sorry to hear about your illnesses, I can’t even begin to imagine. I don’t want to over step here, but how is your wife’s support throughout this? I ask because I’m in a vaguely similar situation as you, but on the opposite end. I’m the same age as you, and my boyfriend just spent 4 months being sedated for refractory status epilepticus (one continuous seizure) before they could get it to stop. He’s just showing signs of waking up, but the docs say he will have some “deficits” and has developed epilepsy. Throughout the past 4 months I’ve spent monday-friday at his bedside just staring at him and hoping he’d pull through, but at night i go home and just want to die. I’ve done lots of research and people who come out of his situation have a high tendency to hate the new person they are, and are at risk of suicide. I wont be able to live with myself if he does, since I’m already at the point of wanting out of this world myself. If he goes, I’m going too. But obviously I’d rather find a way to help him be happy, which is why I ask about your experience with your wife.
Thanks
She’s very supportive. She’s another reason I haven’t done it. It gets really difficult living with this especially since there is no true cure but reprogramming your mind, but I’m getting there