before my deployments started i was good for 80k plus a year i was not teh most liked guy in my workplace but I did ok. Teh war taught me to really appreciate what I have and to treat my “clients differently to appreciate their human qualities and understand it wasnt my job to make them miserable instead it was my job to ensure they were safe and in custody. You see I was a Correctional Officer, and an MP. i was my institutions go to guy i worked OT 6 to 8 months a year solid 16 ours a day 7 days a week. […]
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home
We are just a bunch of depressed people trying to help each other. I thought I was getting better, I stopped crying as much, I started becoming a little happier. Now I’m in my bedroom crying my eyes out on my bed. My bed faces a mirror, i hate looking into the mirror. Whenever, things get hard I say to myself “i wanna go home,” even when i’m inside my own house. I’ve realized I havent found home yet. Not even close.
As the title says, I have set the date. I am so very very tired.
I have moved with my friend & her kids into her boyfriend’s house & its not a picnic. I basically live in the garage since its a 3 bed house & her 2 kids have finally got their own room.
I keep saying ‘it’s a roof over my head’ & ‘I could be on the street’. But I think I might prefer anywhere else but here.
He wakes up at 5am to go to work, so everyone is awake, including me who gets woken by the garage door. Mind you, I have a […]
When I wake up, I feel darkness surrounding me
When I’m at school, I feel darkness surrounding me
When I’m home, I feel darkness surrounding me
When I’m out with people, I feel darkness surrounding me
At my happiest moments, darkness posses me
Everywhere I go this burden will always be with me til my final day
The darkness doesn’t let the sun rise
Day after day, all I see is pain, misery, sadness, and negativity
Live, or rather, stuck on an island. No way to get back home. Was sitting on the beach last night. Early morn. Dark and deserted. Stars filling the wide sky. No real waves, just little ones lapping the shore, coming in from the black sea. No lights, no people no boats. Just me and my longing to see my daughter one last time in more than a decade. How I wish i could live. How I wish I could die.
Just walk into the dark waters. Just keep walking. Nobody there that will see, hear or rescue you. JUST FUCKIN WALK YOU FUCKING COWARD!!!!!
today for the first time in like 2 yr i felt like ripping my skin off myself. cutting my arms up from palm to armpit to remind myself what real pain feels like again. everything seems so backwards, theres no way forward apart from down, down, down. how am i supposed to move forward if everything i do gets ignored or pushed to the sidee. i just want a home, somewhere ill make my own, somewhere i can chill, somewhewre i can be myself. has that ever happened? i dont know what to do, i just dont.
by tma
written by tma
My Dearest Collin
In the time that has passed since your death, I have struggled with why you did it…why you killed yourself. You had no mental illness. You didn’t struggle with depression. You had no previous attempts or cries for help. You had a loving girlfriend that wanted to marry you. You had a good job, good friends…a family that loved you. So you had received several speeding tickets and lost your license. So you got caught driving on a suspended license and extended the suspension of your driving priveledges. So, you drove your inebriated friend home from the bar because he was in no shape […]
Wednesday – my official day off. My daughter works at the same office so I dragged myself out of bed and drove her to work. I would usually stop for a bite to eat on the way home but I’ve felt like puking for three days so I just went home, back to bed and waited for the sun to make my room too hot to tolerate again.
I ran out of pain meds days early so the “rationing” has me fighting withdrawal again. I don’t see the quacktitioner until Friday and the HMO I have wants all their patients off pain meds so thy don’t […]
I’m sick, I have a cold, and no one is in home, even if I’m dying nobody will give a fuck about me.
I’m a good person, overall I don’t think there’s anything I do which is bitchy or dishonest. I really do live by the golden rule. Treat people how you want to be treated. I’m not even exaggerating. I really do.
I am quite a shy person. It come from a result of bullying throughout my childhood and onto my teenage years. Actually the first year of my life that I wasn’t bullied was when I was 17. (I’m in my mid 20’s now) Sometimes I wonder if I have some sort of social disorder, because even now I find it hard to connect and trust people.
Sometimes I feel out of place, and messy. I’m not sure if I’m meant to be here, not sure if I’m meant to survive. I’ve made mistakes and I try to own them and incorporate change into my life. Others make errors and i try to forgive but not forget. I try to combat these repetitive thoughts that tell me I should go home and lay in bed or stay home and lay in bed or lay on the floor for an hour or two or until my heart feels less heavy.
I feel stuck often but the medication might actually be helping this time. This […]
I made a bunch of amazing friends my freshman year, i finally felt loved and excepted by these amazing people. I was surrounded by love, art, understanding, and passion. School ended i said my goodbyes and had to go home knowing i would not return to them in the fall. Summer went on and i was alone in a new city with only my brother and mom to keep me company; but that wasnt so terrible; one of my friends lives 40 mins away so id see her maybe once a week or a few days every other week; plus my best friend frmo school […]
My friend Is coming home!!Since you were In some other state,bet you aint leaving Houston anymore!!
written by lifeishorrible
My friend Is coming home someday next week!!!He was suppose to do 2-10 years but he’s coming next week!!!I don’t know why,really I don’t care why!! (I haven’t talked to him or visited him just to be on the safe side)
I don’t know If he’s gonna come back with my phone but I don’t care!!Well that Is the second time the laws kept my phone but owell Its just a phone,my friend Is coming!!I wonder If he has any resentment towards me??
I’m not sure how to put this in words. today my last family member in my life said he didn’t wanna hear ne more “excuses” y my life sucks. and to me that’s just like the rest of the world. have enuf and turn away. i have a beautiful daughter. i promised her id stay with her since I’m all she has. but couple weeks ago i got caught up with a joint. and now cps all up me. my lights and water will b cut off in a couple weeks and i have no way to put heat in my house. so cps will […]
I’m in that space right now where I can’t tell if I’m depressed because of the meds (Xanax and Prozac) or depressed because of me. I felt so blank on the way home it was hard to keep myself from just driving off the highway. I feel confused, and tired of being confused, and apathetic to the act of breathing. It’s so strange…. Yet again, I’m not sad, I’m not mad, I just feel like I could wink out of existence at any moment. Like, just slip into death. I’m already 27, aren’t I too old for this sort of melodrama?
I love to see beauty, […]
Greetings from Mexico – suicide prevention week – article and podcast
by bayareaguy
written by bayareaguy
Hello Fellow SPers
I found this article and podcast on FB, a link provided by a fellow suffered of depression (MDD). I found it to be honest, insightful and relevant. I hope people read it and click the blue listen button.
Some of you know I moved to Puerto Vallarta for the fall and winter in an effort to break the cycle of isolation and loneliness that were keeping me in despair and depression. I am doing pretty well and have had mostly good days with just a few down days. But nothing truly depressing. I’ve even been able to sleep all but two nights. I have […]
First post here, or in public at all about how I’m really feeling…
I’ve been depressed and suicidal for years. Been on lots of different meds, admitted and discharged a few times with no improvements, and a few failed suicide attempts too. I’m at a point where I’m seriously looking for something effective, but hopefully not leave a gruesome scene – I don’t want family to find my body hanging when getting home from work or for some poor sod having to pick up pieces of me quickly to keep busy commuters happy…
One of my old mates that I have been fighting with came around to my house tonight and asked if I wanted to go hunting so I said yes and we went and killed some pigs and stuff with the dogs I had heaps of fun but my legs are sore because we have been running up hills all night it is 4:24am atm I’m so tired time for bed I think goodnight everybody.
In Australia hunting is a big thing and I have been brought up doing it my whole life so it’s kinda like my get away from sitting at home being sad 24-7
I’ve been cooped up at home for almost a month now. Tomorrow I am required to leave my lumpy pillow behind and dress up. What is this “outside” that many speak of? I only love that which I know, that which is familiar and comfortable. Why would I venture anywhere else? I have forgotten what that awful word represents, and confess that I have no desire to remember. T_T
…after a week of not seeing her turns into both of us crying in a bar while she tells me that she can’t promise me to be that person who builds a life with me, and that i deserve to be in a relationship where i’m a priority but that she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. I come home and get on some dating pas to cruise since we’re poly anyway and there’s nothing better than drowning your sorrow in another person and this boy tells me “i can’t date someone who is basically taken.” Now i know I wouldn’t want to […]