i feel a crying jag coming on for no particular reason. just really sad today. i am pretty sure i took my meds this morning though my memory sucks when i am in this state. i wonder what it would be like to not take meds. just be me au naturale. i suppose i would just fall further into the abyss. though at this time i question whether there is much more to fall into. my suicidal thoughts are all encompassing. i see my death in everyday things. falling down the stairs, crossing the street, cutting up vegetables, burning myself on the stove. when i […]
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Its coming up to 4-years sense we lost you bro I miss you so much, So much as happened in that time most off it as been for the bad after you died watching you take your last breath killed me inside.  it was not long before you Nan and Granddad went I’ve lost so many loved ones I could no longer cope with day to day I lost so much my job my home most off my mates don’t want know anymore and the man I was meant to marry but life like that it gives and takes just seems it takes more […]
Just what the fuck do you want?! Whatever I do, or do not do, I am damned in your sight, a blight, a failure, a mistake. How would you feel if I had come home in a box? You want everyone to think you’re so loving, compassionate, dutiful but the truth is, you’re a *****. You piss everyone around you off, you have no tact, no filter, and yet whenever I imply such you say, “you’re the only one that thinks that!” LIKE HELL I AM!
I don’t care any longer what anyone says to you. After nearly 1/4 century of living with your bullshit, I’m […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
It’s Friday
Her alarm goes off at 6:00am…she hits the snooze button. “I do not want to get up today.” She pulls the cover over her face and falls back asleep until 7:00am.
She finally gets the energy to get up out of bed and drags herself into the shower, and begins to get ready for school. As she’s getting ready she occasionally looks out the window – the fog is rolling in and its windy. She sighs deeply inside…”I don’t want to go to school today”. Putting on her make up, she gives up halfway and gets dressed. With the little energy she has, she throws her […]
Never thought that I would be on here again but I guess I just need to vent. My grade is shit in math, my teacher treats me like crap btw but I get it at home too. This whole week I’ve been treated likes hit and I’m sick of it, I’ve been called names pushed and lied to throughout this week. If you cross be over don’t come back. If you have something to say , say it to my face direct contact please. And family , my dear family, LEAVE ME ALONE I don’t know if you guys know the concept of alone or […]
hey just an intro, Iam a girl and Iam 18. its been a while since ive talked to someone about all these feelings ive been getting lately. Iv been sad for such a long time now, its been years since I felt truly happy, and it really saddens me cuz I actually want to get better but I just cant, I hate this feeling of not knowing where I stand in life, I see all my friends go to college, get married, move on with their lives and I am over here crippled, not knowing what to do. The pain started off as emotional but […]
One hour. You said it was going to be ONE. FUCKING. HOUR. I waited and waited and waited some more, tried to call your cell & never got an answer. “I’m still here,” I said, “in case you forgot to come and pick me up.” I waited more, God knows I lost count how long.
I said to myself, Fine, if you don’t come and pick me up when you say you will, you can come and pick me up at the fucking morgue! I was tempted, just a bit, to walk out into oncoming traffic, or climb over the balcony railing and jumping off. But […]
Scatter my ashes,
Out on the sea.
Scatter my ashes,
Do it for me.
Scatter my ashes,
Under moonlight.
Scatter my ashes,
Do it tonight.
Scatter my ashes,
Just say a quick prayer.
Scatter my ashes,
My soul won’t be there.
Scatter my ashes,
Out from the boat.
Scatter my ashes,
Watching them float.
Scatter my ashes,
While standing the bow,
Empty the urn,
Scatter them now.
Scatter my ashes,
Scatter them well.
Scatter my ashes,
As the boat rocks in the swell.
Scatter my ashes,
Now I am home.
Scatter my ashes,
No longer alone.
Fuck….I don’t even remember lastnight. Only woke up an hour before work, suffered through, now I’m home in the dark silence trying to feel better. Getting drunk off my ass was fun and all, but I’m not enjoying the aftermath
I’ve found self-confidence through the military, but the depression is getting to me. I need to get out of the army, last 3 more weeks, but I keep making mistakes. I keep falling down. I need to go home, the sergeant hates me now. He thinks I’m an idiot and I’m messing up because I can’t handle the stress. I don’t want to tell him because I’ll be stuck here longer. I just need to wait it out and get home safely.
did everyone have a good saturday?  well here is the state of my world. i received an invitation to go out hang with my friends whom i haven’t seen in a while. the invite panicked me. none of these people know my current state of mind. and i have no inclination to fill them in. so i am at home alone, which is how i prefer to be these days. what does that say when contact from friends i have had for years makes me panic and cry? probably not a good thing . i prefer to be alone and not have to talk to […]
Why did you rape me? Why did you kill me? Why did I wake up again? Why did my heart start beating again? Why did you hurt me? When I was only 2 or 3 years old? I feel so sorry. I feel like it’s my fault. I feel like I should have been a better child and given you more. I am confused. I am scared. I suffered 18 years of a difficult time at home. And the problem was: My parents didn’t even know. They didn’t even realise what was going on. They didn’t even realise they were wrong. They thought they were good and […]
I’ve went from wanting to kill myself to just lost in the ever dark hole of being an at home mom. I sleep all the time. Im missing my kids grow and I know it hurts them…when they say mommy don’t go to sleep agian. I have many diff pills that I’ve thought about just swallowing as many as I could but I just can’t do it. When I look at my children and loving husband I just can’t leave them. But I feel just as bad for even thinking about it…I am Medicaid but sometimes I’m not sure…
everyday its the same routine. waking up thinking its a new day but then suddenly everything reminds how much of a fuckup you really are. And school doesnt make it any better. makes it worse actually. ive tried to pick myself up but eventually when i get home i dont eat or talk but go to my room And cry myself to sleep.
I’ve decided to create an account today, because it is my final attempt to have my voice heard. Efforts will be made to console and reassure me that the world of hell that I’ve been imprisoned in for twenty-two years is worth living; I’m beyond approach. I’m a girl who was born into a highly dysfunctional family, to a mother who showed nothing more than apathy towards me, to a fatherless home. That’s not why I’m here. My upbringing didn’t bring me to the place that I’m at right now.
My mother died when I was in twelfth grade and the depression and underlying psychological […]
A few days ago I wrote an update. I wrote about how much better I was doing. How much happier I was…
Why is it that one little thing can cause me to go spiralling back into what I was before? I don’t want to go back. I don’t want to be that person again. I don’t want to lose any more friends. I don’t want to live every day in pain. I just want to be me.
My parents split up almost two years ago. Some would say that alone is traumatising, but I was surprisingly okay with it. It was for the best at the […]
My father completed suicide a few days ago. Â No one ever saw it coming–he was a religious man, a bachelors in Theology and an ordained minister. Â He was terminally ill and getting worse and worse by the day. Â He did not want to be put into a nursing home or die in a hospital. Â He died at home in his own bed. Â He was only 60 but his quality of life was so poor I don’t blame him for doing it. Â He is so much better off, in no pain now and free from his need of oxygen to live. Â Â I am sorry […]
You’d suspect temptation to be caused by lust or just plain carnal instincts. In my case my cousin was the lustful desires I had. Yet the true temptation at the moment pegs from Nycolle the first girl I fell for. (Read my earliest posts for my deranged and mentally inadequate child in me) Â Onto the point at hand, I recently created a new facebook, found her on it after finding she blocked me. I found her on snapchat as well and here is where I consider things. Should I really risk messaging her again. It’s been over 5 years, why bother my childhood love? […]
I’m new on here, and I’ve been struggling since seventh grade really, but I’ve gotten much worse over the past few years. I’m currently a senior in high school. I’ve been to different psychologists, and none of them could help me and I just got really pissed off at them so I quit going. (Also financial reasons) But this year everyone has been just on my back every day about how I’m not trying hard enough and how I am just a failure. But I do try so hard to be the strong link. At school I get made fun of for who I […]