Finished up my goodbye video today, probably a little prematurely. Still have to order my ******** tank, but what the hell? If I die of natural causes in the next few days I’m ahead of the curve.
in the
I’m in law school. I’m kicking ass in law school. I’ve got a great (paid) job this summer. I’m competitively seeking jobs for next summer already.
And I’m a fucking drunk. I probably wouldn’t need both hands to count the number of times in the past year that I haven’t had at least 3-4 drinks before bed.
And I fucking hate myself.
And I feel pathetic for hating myself, when my future is unfolding before me.
I have, deliberately (or almost so), sabotaged everything in my life. For the most part, it worked. Now, as I stand at actually having a career, every attempt I make at sabotage is […]
Will S.P.s resident Hamster Hole Extraordinaire “Thanatos” persue his newly discovered RAW GENIUS rap skills and TASTY hard-hitting lyrics all the way to the TOP? Recent Vegetable HATE themed slurs and Hard-Hitting innuendo about “Peacenicks” and “Treehuggers” are igniting flames of controversy.The word in the SP backalleys, among the gallows-humor Elite ,and the UltraNeurotic underground IS that EVERYBODYS favorite GrumpyGus is just engaging in some diversionary Shit talking BECAUSE of a contentious story with several conflicting versions.Our most reliable source tell us:T-Hampster(still ironing out the rap name…T-Hole? Are you creative?-postt all your great ideas!)) He was sexually assaulted while hiking naked with nothing but a […]
Why is everyone so obsessed with this world? As in this existence with earth and the solar system and our god?
Part of the reason I’ve felt alone for so long is because I never really felt like I was in the right place. I’ve always had a feeling like im not suppose to be in this world.I just never really belonged. im positive there are other worlds out there worlds with diferent planets and creatures and different gods.wanna know what my deathwish is?. When I die I would like for my soul to be taken to a completely different world…a different existence.I guess I […]
i was doing great, my life was going in the right direction just got a new job, i was moving up in the world but of course the universe had to laugh in my face and take away one of the things that mattered the most in my life. 2 weeks ago my best friend and i had a difficult talk. long story short she told me that we couldn’t be friends any more because it would be better for both of us and it would save us a headache in the long run. its funny how when you think your life is great it […]
Earth-shack up in New-Mexico. Meet me up, twist-plot our next move. Go north, perhaps. We, the good vagabond.*
A “Solar Kiva.” An earth-shack, two States over from SoCal.
Can we survive the summer in Taos.
The UV radiation may be overwhelming.
There is nowhere to run. Somewhere to hide.
The moth smelled the blood. The blood.
Dead like the dead past. In transcendence.
Hell’s Satan is the root of our modern life.
Still small in time; the history of our modern human history.
Dead like the dead past. The crystal evolution.
The angels. God, the ancient alien.
The story. The cosmic-saddest, of all.
But our hearts, abyssal devoured. Our nature, a defect.
That is the story of “Man.” The devil has won since […]
I’m not really sure how to begin this, or I guess, really, how to say any of this.
My name is John, and my middle name is Ira. I’m 25 years old, and I feel utterly hopeless. I just stayed up all night, debating whether or not I would have the balls to do it. Now it is Saturday morning, and I am a fucking COWARD. I’ve never felt as sad, or alone or I fucking hate to admit this, misunderstood in my whole entire life.
I guess if worst comes to worst, there’s a secret, ashamed part of me that wants someone, anyone, I cared about, […]
People seem to be constantly posting their stories on this site in the hope that people will just read and acknowledge each other’s difficult life stories so I thought, as I am no different in wanting to be heard, I would do the same.
I legitimately don’t have an extremely difficult life so I’m not really anything to feel sorry for. I’ve had a rocky (to say the least) upbringing from my father but my mother and rest of family have always been really good to me. School for me (I’m 18 now and I’ve finished Six Form (senior years(?) to you Americans)) was just me […]
I seriously think I am throwing my life in the garbage, but sadness has eaten the last bit of awareness I had left in my brain and I discovered a profound love for drugs…. So I guess after the strong tides I’ve tried to swim through, it’s time I float on this raft for a while, just for a little bit. It makes me feel secure. I still see my dream island far in the horizon, but I need rest. I’ll have to start swimming again soon if I don’t want to be carried away on an unsafe shore. But for now, I am just […]
every single time someone looked me in the eyes and asked me why I couldn’t do it, I would tell them it was because of you. I couldn’t imagine putting you through that. I never wanted you to have to worry about me. I was suppose to take care of you, I was suppose to be the one burying you, in many, many years. but here I am, the rope already tied. I’m going to use the chair I’m sitting on, it’s from the kitchen table I hope you don’t mind.
don’t blame yourself because you did everything you could. and please don’t mourn because we […]
Vietnam, July 24
I just came back from one failed year studying in France. After one year, I realized that I didn’t study what I really wanted. So why, why did I go ?
The first thing my father noticed, when I stepped out the door of the aeroport, frustrated having to leave the solitude on the 12-hour flight, was that I did not greet him. He took no time to inform my mother about my misbehavior. A good child should «know your place», and I know that very well. But I hate good boys […]
Sometimes I have off days but tonight I feel a surge of energy and hope. Every day is a blank canvas to rejuvenate your life, edit your story. I have an agenda for tomorrow which probably contributes to this new-found optimism. I’ve forgotten how rewarding it feels to set goals, actually work towards them, and obtain results. The most crippling thing I can do to myself is sit at home and give in to lazy indulgences. I’ve been putting off my responsibilities for far too long.
I’ll start my day with a cardio workout in the morning. I’ll reply to my little Brother’s email from BBBS. I’ll start […]
Hi guys, it’s been some days.
I’ll confess I actually forgot about the SP for some days, and a few days ago I realized I hadn’t logged on in a while. I was kind of shocked, my shock suprised me. Does that mean I actually forgot about suicide for a few days? I did actually. No random thoughts, no dark voices, it had actually been a few peaceful weeks. But does it actually mean I forgot about it? I don’t think so, but it does show me that I can distract myself and have peace, and that makes me hopeful. I think I’m doing okay. I’m […]
Butterfly, butterfly; come to me like a ship into the heart of the storm.
You can never give up; to the death, see you in the afterlife.
Use the Phoenix-down, come to me. Press start. Seek our palace to die.
Why do you not take me away from hell. Come.
The apex, my defect. I need somebody. To the express polar.
Tonight, tonight. The moon didn’t come out.
I love the deep jazz, of the astral.
Who is to save the undead.
Melancholy, why does that sound so beautiful.
Transcendence. Alpha-death. The other to form the trinity.
I want to sing the opera with my trip-hop. […]
254.
Two hundred fifty four days since I first made my decision. I went out that day with my rope to a nature trail that is rarely used nearby my work. One solid tree in the secluded woods was all I wanted. It was my birthday. I began walking down the trail, but slipped at the end of a wooden bridge, wet with the Autumn rain. I touched my head. Blood.
Weighing my options, I pulled myself up and headed back to my car. Where I fell was clearly visible by a nearby parking lot, so instead of risking the possibility that anyone that might have seen […]
nothing is the same im fighting for controle im sick to my gut i need a joint im hot and sweating and for what… for love the most beautiful thing in the world yet when it even stagers form the tracks it hurts its worth it i know it is i feel like shit i feel sick i feel so fucking alone why WHY ITS NOT RIGHT iv put so much in to so meny people and this is what i get out of it a life that with out one person in it will end up back were it was why i dont know […]
About a month ago I OD’d on heroin and wound up in the hospital. Ever since I’ve been getting what I think are panic attacks, where I feel like I can’t breathe and that I’m about to suffocate. Even in A&E the psychologist didn’t take me seriously but I am seriously messed up… I’ve been waiting 2 months to see a psychiatrist after stating I was suicidal because she cancels the appointments but I can’t sleep for days, I have auditory hallucinations (hear people say things about me when they’re not), extreme paranoia and I’m afraid to leave the house. If that ***** has the […]
“It starts out with a question. How much of it is real?
The skepticism sets in, and lessens your appeal
Next, you study conspiracy, develop some theories
And become extra wary of all your previous learned material
Your tolerence for stupidity degrades
Most of your friends seem to be trapped in the maze
You narrow your associates down to the few you can stand
And even they sometimes wonder what’s going on in that head of yours
You study east and western philosophy, psychology, physics
You think […]
It’s been a long sad break from this place. And man, I have no clue where I’ve wandered to. All I know is I’ve been more broken then ever these past two weeks. I want to be free. I hate feeling so chained up. Within my own mind claustrophobia is eating me away. My whole life there is one, only one thing I’ve asked for. And that is a place of belonging. Where I’m not thrown away like some non living object. I’m sick of living in the dump. You know what the dump is filled with? Worthless things that no longer have meaning or […]
I’m currently stuck in another country that is not mine. Initially didn’t want to go on this trip as I am having depression. But I didn’t want to let friend A go alone with a group of people that he wants close to. However, depression strikes and I just couldn’t take it. Last night, I spent quite some time in the toilet crying about it and he couldn’t understand hence he didn’t do anything. Today, I found out that friend B told this friend A to totally ignore me. I’m currently out of the hotel room with nothing but a phone. No passport to rent […]