Here you go, Hazy.
The one that stalks around in the upstairs hallway doesn’t really look like this, but I think it bears a close enough resemblance.
Tag:
in the
One faucet, two hands
Ten fingers-
sinful digits scrubbed with soap.
Each protruding knuckle rubbed raw
thrice, until the thoughts still
(still, they do not)
I drown my palms-
dirty and defiant
in the freezing stream
(numb your skin;
numb your mind).
When I am finished
I count to nine
and start again.
(yeah it might be silly to include a trigger warning on a site about suicide, but this is a little outside of the normal realm of discussion, and i don’t want to ruin anyone’s day by triggering them.)
i’m thinking about buying cigarettes. i’ve never smoked one in my life, but suddenly i have the urge to. i think it’s because self-harming (i.e. cutting and/or beating) isn’t helping anymore, not like it used to. usually when i self-harm, my urge to kill myself lessens, loses its edge. but this time, i feel the same. i still feel like the floor is coming apart under me, like […]
Today as I was leaving the grocery store, a complete stranger said “Goodbye, (*my name*)!”
I nodded politely, and nicely said goodbye, realizing I had absolutely no clue who this person was. I still don’t know.
One of the drawbacks to living in a tiny town in a mostly rural county is that almost everybody seems to know everybody else.
Some people might find this comforting and cheery; I find it unsettling and creepy.
One thing I relished during my brief stays in larger cities was that absolutely nobody had any clue who I was. I was a wonderfully anonymous face in amongst the equally-nameless hordes.
It was glorious.
Here […]
Just out of curiosity, is there any way to email members on here? There are some members I wouldn’t mind talking with through email or IM. Ironically, there is even a member that peaked my interest. Granted, I will try to see if it’s possible to see what makes them tick to better understand my insanity… And to see if there is a way out of this labyrinth called madness that doesn’t end in self-sacrifice.
Nevermind the music, I can’t find any other songs besides love songs… Illuminated in the darkness by artificial light, the laughter of madness ringing in my ears, I shall devour my […]
‘Suicidal people are made, not born’ was a post I saw once. But is that really true? When I was born, the doctor had to cut my mother open and forcibly bring me into this world because I had a failure to thrive. Even in that infantile state I knew I did not want to be in this world.
Several months ago I tried to kill myself. I took over 50 prescription sleeping pills and washed them down with alcohol. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to try to kill yourself and fail? This was not a cry for help or attention. My […]
In my dental assisting class my teacher is the worst person I have met .
When I get a answer wrong she tells me to hang my self . I have gotten so angry and have gotten a attitude with her . She’s dropped my grade so much .
What she says to me is so unprofessional . I want to be like you know my mom killed her self with a bottle of pills ? And do you know I’m suicidal ?
Allvthe girls in the class are mean to me too. They say things like how I look like a heroin addict .
That class just pisses […]
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(Not a poem this time, I just need to rant)
I’m a size 8. I still feel like a size 18.
I wear a medium shirt. I still feel like a size XXL.
I look in the mirror and my face bloats.
I hate my eyes. I hate my smile. I hate the dimples in my cheeks. I hate my lips. I hate my chin.
It’s been getting worse lately and I don’t know how to stop the skewed perception I have of myself.
I go to the gym 3-5 times a week, I do yoga, I eat healthy (I’m vegan ffs) yet I still feel disgusting and guilty everytime I […]
I notice I start to get angry toughs whenever I have to go out, maybe it’s a reaction to prepare me to defend myself. Many times I give up leaving home, because I can’t handle people staring at me uncontrolably mad.
I tried to go anyway, everything happened as expected, couldn’t lift up my face to look at people. My eyes stuck the ground, I start sweating, and my face muscles become stiff, and i think, this never changes. Psychologists say you should keep insisting going out and facing your fears. But it never changes to me, it’s like the Murphy law “If something can go wrong […]
I made a decision as the clock turned midnight on new years if this year doesn’t pick up I don’t see a point in playing
this game anylonger, I might even quit sooner, Im 17 and my life is hell. I thought my life was going to pick up and finally go my way. I got a job interview, I applied for some TAFE courses and I was three weeks ahead on rent. Then christmas came around, I was kicked out and my rent returned (thankfully) I spent christmas packing, they gave me a week to leave (which Im pretty sure is against the law but whatever). I […]
I woke up this morning seeing the bright light from the sun.It was 11:11 am,I must’ve drink too much alcohol last night that I feel a lil’bit tipsy this morning.I was talking to a friend in which I have lied about something,still,she can’t decide if she’s going to stay or not I think I deserve it anyway.I lied to people who cared and accepted me.Im a bullshit.She might stay or not,nothing will change I’m still going to be free on Feb 1,in the arms of death I’ll find comfort.
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This is by far the best song that I listen too through my daily struggle in this world I listen to it when I’m speeding in the highway. At work everywhere you guys will love it especially the drop at 2:09, 2:52, 4:20 & 5:05 that beat is ridiculous this is the song I’ll never be able to post a better one than this DRAGONFLY that’s exactly what I see especially when I drive. Fastest I ever went with this song was 198mph on a 2am night of Christmas 2015 yes 198mph is the fastest I ever went in my life I won’t say where […]
Where is the sunshine?
The end of the pain?
Because I am damaged,
I can’t stand in the rain.
The skies have been dark.
The wind is still whipping.
How am I standing?
What keeps me from tipping?
Because i am damaged,
My limbs tatered and broken,
The life that lived in me
Is now slowly chokin (g).
The storm pushes on with violence and fury.
My leaves are all falling,
Like the snow in a flurry.
No where to turn,
No where to go.
Im beat up, run down, and standing alone.
Even in this forrest that i call my home.
Ive always been told “You’re full of potential”.
Depression is usually caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. My depression is often triggered by negative thoughts. When I have a bad ride or receive a low grade on an assignment/test, I often begin to think of myself as a failure. I have been working on this with my psychologist. Instead of saying I should have done something, I try to apply to the future. For example, I will spend more time studying a specific chapter or section or I will work on keeping my horse’s attention. This way, I’m not beating myself up for the mistakes I have made. Instead, I’m learning from those […]
I am dying inside and still feel like dying in the literal fashion
However I have decided, I am not to take my own life, I’m going to go back to the Militia in Syria. I was happy there. I left a life I love for a woman that emotionally tortured the shit out of me for nearly a year. If I die there then so be it.
Things were going well, her parents had talked some sense into her, She got the Christmas Presents I sent (over $2k worth) my house was getting ready for sale (I am pulling it off the market in the next […]
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I hate when people tell me it’s going to be ok… That life gets better. I get that, I do. But honestly if I lived an alliterative life with all the money in the world I still wouldn’t be happy. I know too much and seen too much to be happy. Why can’t people accept that?
So, im new here. Ive had manic depression since i was a child. But in the last few months ive been on a terrible low. I was thrown out of my house, due to an argument with a roomate that escalated to blows, they had a kid, they got to stay. So now im living in my parents basment, i lost my job when i lost my place. Realy the only thing keeping me sane at the moment are the chemicle kisses (drugs) and my childhood friend… But now he is trying to get clean… And i support his decision, drugs are bad…. Mkay? But […]