I let back in the most beautiful demon. He took all my trust, stability, emotions, happiness. But he came back and I floated up to the surface. I felt like living so he played his role and left and took the last piece of me that was clinging to my shell. How do you hold on when you can feel feathery oblivion right beneath your feet? How was I supposed to love myself when I watched everyone find nothing worth loving in me? I want to be back amongst the living but its too hard. I thought maybe it was all a test of my […]
Hello my deceased father, are you going to help me kill him or kill me? You’re standing in front of my bed talking to me in a voice I do not understand and sounds so foreign. The image of you is so clear it’s like you have been resurrected from the dead to see me one more time, I cannot tell if I am dreaming or awake, this is so surreal. I have to say it is nice to see you again father, even if I do not know your intentions.
Peering out my bedroom window to see my expensive exercise equipment on the lawn of […]
Wow…
If I wasn’t so apathetic right now, I’d be shocked down to my core…
I never thought it possible to get emotionally lower than I was feeling before… But here I am, unable to even think, my last drop of energy being used earlier today when I walked home from my studies…
I don’t even have the energy to kill myself. If I had energy, I’d do it right now, as this is unbearable, but I cannot be bothered to get up from my chair for nothing in the world…
If the building would just collapse on me and excuse me of all the work involved in killing […]
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My arms and wrists itch and burn. I relapsed bad last night. Can you even call it a relapse if you never tried to stop in the first place? I took pills, too. I can’t stop taking them – both in large quantities and small. I think I’m getting addicted. I’m ill. Everything hurts. And I’m stuck I college. Class starts in 7 minutes, and I feel awful. Despite the pills, and how many I took, I wasn’t trying to kill myself. I just needed the pills. I needed to get rid of the pain, and I couldn’t cut at that exact time. Surprisingly, my […]
I tried to kill myself last Tuesday. I don’t remember anything except waking up in the hospital. This was my third attempt. How do I keep surviving? I pray so much that my prayers are me actually begging God to help me. Still no answers. Am I here to be punished? People speak of a hell after we die. Does it really exist or is this really hell and there is nothing after this. I want to believe so bad there is something good after this hell i’m in on this earth.
A few decades ago, when I was still depressed but had more energy than I do now, before my health declined to the point where I became disabled…
I had a six-month internship in a mental hospital, working to become a music therapist.
I got to see all types of patients. Schizophrenic, Depression, Bipolar, Alzheimer’s, Psychotic… everything.
I can’t go into details because of confidentiality, but I remember one moment more than anything else.
There was one day when a new patient was admitted. He was […]
I woke up this morning, but i’m not happy to say i did. Tried to OD last night, but i threw everything up in my sleep apparently. I don’t know if i took enough, i was drunk when i took the pills. Was definitely enough to make me feel sick. My roomate (who was my fiance, broke up with me after cheating on me) isn’t here and i have no one to talk to. He usually helps me with this stuff, but i don’t feel like i can trust him anymore. I’m left with no one to talk to. Once i mustered enough strength to […]
Does it sound weird when I say that I feel beautiful on the inside but every time I look in the mirror I see someone who is ugly and worthless. That will not get anywhere in life. Does anyone know what I’m talking about? Any kind of helpful tips to not feel so down on myself. I would appreciate any kind of tips!
A long time ago, when I was still in high school, the English teacher’s son killed himself.
He hung himself from a tree in the back yard, using a dog leash.
There are two things that still stick in my memory all these years.
One, the teacher had trouble acknowledging the truth of what happened. For a long time, she stayed in denial. She insisted it must have been an “accident”, because she couldn’t accept the fact that he had been suffering enough to make this kind of choice.
Everyone else in the community knew the truth of it, and they were sad and shocked and confused (and whatever […]
I spend so much time daydreaming it’s like I live another life inside my head. I have daydreamed for as long as I can remember, all through primary school and I’m now in High school (15 years old). It has never bothered me that much in the past, I mean it would keep me from missing a lot in class but I never thought it was really that bad – until now. Now I just feel like I have another life inside my head, at first it didn’t cross my mind but now it’s stuffing up my head. I want it all to stop, I […]
When i was a freshman, so 14, i tried to commit suicide for the first time. I can’t really explain why. It’s two years later and it still feels like it was all a dream. Sometimes it hits me all at once. Out of nowhere.. like around Christmas, i went and saw my youngest sisters choir concert. I was watching, listening. My dad on one side, my brother on the other. And it hit me.. all at once. Without warning.. as those things tend to do. I looked up at the stage, seeing her sing. My throat got that horrible dry feeling and suddenly the […]
I was feeling good until a few minuts ago. My brother made a coment about how im no better then the trash im laying in. I still know they dont love me and they will never love me or forgive me. They think yhey have me fooled but i still know, i always figure it out eventually. They think i dont think about them. I guess saying to myself that it would be easier for them when im not around counts as not thinking about them. I know its true. I always have to think about them know that they will never care about me […]
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I’m exhausted, but I can’t sleep. I won’t sleep. I’ve had barely any sleep this past week. It’s getting bad again. I’ve slept 2 nights (Monday and Wednesday , I think) for about 4/5 hours each night, and the hours weren’t consistent. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night, with falling back asleep awful. But despite this sleep deprivation, I need to stay awake. I need to watch in the night for them. They’re in my room constantly. Watching me. I need to stay awake so they don’t get me. The only time I can sleep is when they’re not there – which […]
I am sorry if you truly know me and you are reading this. If you know me, you might have known this would happen but within the next few days, I am planing to kill myself. Why? I can’t deal with whats going on in my head.
Thanks to everyone here for listening to me opening up and encouraging me throughout my stay at S.P.! You have helped make my time in this world less miserable. Taking one last look through your kind comments on my posts so far… Why can’t everyone be like you guys?
Anyway… As the title says… This may be ”it”…
Wrote the letter, got the ”equipment” ready and all that other shit, heheh… Now I’m just waiting to get the motivation to do it, which will most likely come tomorrow when I’ll yet again be reminded how big of a failure I am. Whelp… Here goes nothing…
By the way, […]
So tonight I was bored and everyone on a forums I hang out on was logged of so I went down to our living room and sat with my parents; that was the mistake.
The result was my Dad being sexist and complaining and dissing people constantly, both parent complaining and looking down on me and my brother. They both started lecturing us and they never say anything good about anyone. My head ended up getting messed up and I started to panic so I left, trying to act casual. I felt so stuffed after that I ended up cutting myself and even more than usual, […]
I keep telling myself, “Keep trying! Don’t give up!” then seconds later I catch myself saying, “No what the fuck? Just let it be already! It’s been years!” I still live in the past.
The date is January 19th, 2016. I scroll through my email folders looking for old emails to delete and I come across a strange message saved in the bottom of a website folder.
[the suicide project]
Memories flooded back to me instantly. I log on and see that I’m an enigma. Just one draft from November 26th, 2013.
“Just don’t worry.”11/26/2013
I can’t help it. My brain is defective.
My name is Ashley. At the time of joining this website I was 18 years old and suffering through the worst depression that I had ever endured. The DEPO birth control shot was to blame, of course, but that just made […]