My username, effystonem, is based on Effy Stonem, a character from the British television show Skins. It’s truly a great show and if you watch it you’ll enjoy, I’m sure. Effy is a main character in the second generation of Skins, although she does show up in a few episodes in the first generation. Effy is completely relatable; at least I think she is. She’s quiet, dark, an alcoholic and drug addict. And she’s only 16. She’s drop dead gorgeous on the show, although her personality tends to repel people. She’s just a girl who bottles up all her emotions in this tiny, frail body. […]
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I haven’t slept properly in days, I keep throwing up everything I eat, I’m having panic attacks. I live with my boyfriend and he’s sitting in the lounge laughing with his friend, he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me or not just making it worse. I have no-one to talk too nowhere to go all I keep imagining is how to kill myself. I’ve taken drugs they dont work. I just want to die. All I want is not to feel so empty. I just need someone.
Last summer i was forced to move out of my dads house because he wasn’t a good man. I was forced to move into my moms in a different state. I bearly even knew her. It was the first day of school and i could tell the students and teachers hated me all ready it was a rich kid school and i was no where near rich. The kids would point at me and laugh and whisper. I felt so small. About a month into school i found a “friend”. I was so happy to find someone i thought i could trust. We had hung […]
After reading some of the replies to my post “What if its God’s plan?”, I’m no longer quite sure if it is His plan. However, my plan included buying a burial plot and headstone without my wife’s knowledge. I paid cash for the plot in the cemetery where my father is buried, and put a deposit on a tombstone that matches his. Whether or not I complete my plan, it is still important for me to see my headstone placed in the cemetery My plan involved getting a credit card (again w/o my wife’s knowledge) to pay for the stone. I do have a pre-approved […]
Firstly, I cannot end it, no matter how much I’d like to – I have 2 kids who adore me, and it is entirely for them that I continue to breathe.
I just feel like my life from start to finish has been one endless joke, and I thought that maybe if I considered this statement more fully, I may begin to revise it. But no.
I look back on my childhood with little happiness – I was the gawky kid that everyone made fun of – I had severe acne, didn’t know how to make friends and didn’t do terribly well academically. Boys were not interested […]
My friend Crystal ( my persian cat) died on the 31st Jan 2011, she was my only friend, with my anxiety and avoidant personality disorder, I have never connected with anyone or shared how I was feeling with anyone, I have been completely alone. for over 15 years or so. Work I don’t know if I will have a job by the end of the week, positions will be going, mine may be one of them, I won’t cope with that. Been in and out of hospital in the last 15 years or so because of suicide tendencies and self harm. But I think the […]
I feel nothing for anyone around me. Those that say they care, are more easily consumed by their own interests. I hate my life. I hate waking in the morning, the façade of a life I present to others, the happiness I show people daily, and, more so, not being able to sleep with my own thoughts at night. Why do I continue? Why keep up this farce of a life? Am I that weak? Can I not end this charade? I guess nothing ends….
I gather courage from pain. Each day, I put my uniform on, knowing I am hated. My only hope is to cross paths with a person that hates me […]
The world can be changed in a fort night by a person with a strong conviction to do so.
where does one find the strength, i wonder, to be the arbiter of their own fate, and still find
the means nessacary to empart their brand of wisdom on humanity
I understand now that I never had a chance against these convicted people, because I
flock to folly, I just cant stand against the tide of human emotion,its all just to fucking much to feel.
I am a runaway in my own skin, I am making a concious and concerted effort to check out, I just don’t […]
Do you have permanent scars? Self inflicted or not?
I’ve got a few scars on my body but you can’t notice them. Worst is on my right foot when I ran through a glass door. One on my right palm when I fell on some wet wood and sliced my hand on some metal shit. Another on my right wrist (off to the side) from last year I accidentally cut myself trying to put the lawn mower in the car. One on my left elbow from a sporting accident.
I’ve got one across my cheek but I don’t think it’s deep enough to cause permanent scarring, […]
Every-day is the same: I wake-up, and stare through my window — at the consequence of London’s cold winters. The slight breeze in my room –basically my world- makes me chilly (cold). I get back into bed, and go through my phone for 45 minutes: battling with myself not to get out bed. As the clocks strike 11, I start hearing calls to have my breakfast… I already know what the menu will include: eggs, cheese, tomatoes, olives, tea and toasted bread: I love the menu; but I’m trying to become a vegan. Nevertheless, I have some cheese, spinach and a few pieces of fruit […]
I’d like to reconsider my life. Find someone that I could speak to, someone that I could really pour my soul out to. I need someone that will care for me, caress me, hold me when I’m crying. Not a guidance councillor, not my parents or family, but someone.. A stranger. A stranger that understands. A stranger that will wipe away the drops of water rolling down my cheek. A stranger that will love me. A stranger that will not leave me stranded in a room full of depression. I need someone to look at me in the eyes, and tell me that I’m beautiful.
I am […]
Sometimes when you are lonely or afraid you seek solace in the one place, person, or thing, that comforts you and calms you down. That sanctuary you enjoy is euphoric, you feel safe, secure, and free. But what happens when it starts to trap you? When it becomes a prison you can’t escape? What do you do when the one person you should be able to tell every fucked up emotion to doesn’t want to listen to the things that hurt you the most. What about when no matter what you do you still feel alone? Just keep trying right? Ignore it? Pretend you aren’t […]
My heart aches, my soul is dieing, my skin is growing cold, and my world is empty.
All in the absence of you, and a touch I will never know.
I don’t think I’ve ever done this before. I can say right now this is going to be a really long post because I’m pouring myself and my twisted emotions into this. I don’t expect anyone to read this fully. Or even at all. I’m not writing this expecting I’ll get help on here. I’m doing it for myself because maybe if I put my thoughts in words it will help me in getting through this confusion, even though I detest writing.
I am a 20 year old female. Right now I’m living in the city away from home. Right now I don’t have a job […]
As I begin to lay down for another sleepless night, I ponder at the thought of just dying. Of taking my own way out because the anxiety and depression have overwhelmed me and once again beat my ragged body to nothing. My legs now quiver and my heart beat echoes through the night. Yet, I’m confused of what I’m afraid of in the moment. The lifeless black surrounding me in the box I struggle to rest in, gives little comfort. So I’ll pull my ragged body off the ground, grab my razor, and put my mind to sleep.
If You had a friend who spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, ¿How long would you allow that person to be your friend?
So for starters, I’ve tried to commit suicide maybe half a dozen times. Through pills, a few vain attempts at cutting my wrists, which have left my arms embarrassing and cumbersome for finding work. I have been a cutter since I was 15, but those scars are hidden.
I used drugs for many years, meth, x, and shot coke for awhile. Well, I did it, I quit drugs. At 22, but than I started drinking. Real fun drinking, but managed to keep a job. When I didnt have a job, I drank all day and all night.
So I meet a man. Also an alcoholic. We moved […]
So, I know many of us were not able to complete uni/college and some of us are busy in the middle of doing so. Well, I am from a different end of the spectrum and am in a position I never thought any one could be in…I finished my bachelors, in my final year I had a very severe mental break down yet still managed to pass (albeit at the bear minimum).
So whats the problem, you may be wondering? Well, you see…I don’t remember anything from my degree. I literally (I’m not making this up) know nothing. Might as well not have done it. Yep […]
I am in the process of planning a way out of my miserable existence. I am not some teenager suffering angst or going to kill myself over a boyfriend or failed relationship.
Life continues to shit on me and recent events have just proven it yet again. It does not matter what I do or learn, how I try to improve myself, who I know or meet, I am just fated to lose in every way imaginable. I’m almost 50 and have finally accepted it’s never going to be any different. There is no hope.
I’m giving myself a certain number of months to get everything […]
,
In too deep, I wish I could sing of the goodies
Humble like the Leo, I’m just trying to, chill
I wish I was
I’m afraid for the message in the bottle, back
Is my yahoo-account, hacked
Serpent of light, sing to me
Are we comrades, hit-me-back-up on the FB or digit
The order, the golden, we gonna’ go, we have to
Build our home on the land, living like the equilibrium of
The talisman, but what is lost
I just want to be by the fire, by the sun, eat my carrots
Heal, because of what I am
In all seriousness, and pleasantry, like […]