i’m back i needed to come back and iv said it all before but fuck it no one is going to read this any way
i have no friends (minor problem)
i have a girl friend but the relationship is crashing (i can live with out her but its the trying to save it cos i love her bit that is killing me)
i’m watching people win everyday when i lose i walk in to rooms and its like i’m not there (witch in some cases is a blessing) i miss some one who i should of let go of by now, i spend my days sitting in […]
It makes not since.. Back at one..
You told me I meant so much to you, yet when I try to do something to benefit you because I know if I didn’t do what I did, you’d be in serious trouble… you turn everything around and pin things on me, to make me seem like the bad guy.. I can’t say I don’t have any mistakes, we all do.. But I never do anything to hurt you, and if I have it’s not intentionally.. I have only ever cared for you, more than I think I actually know how to care for myself and my […]
Yet again I’m stuck in a shit hole.. Another sleepless night.. Trapped in hell.. All I do is try and try to find answers I know will never appear.. I search and search and dig so deep with nothing but more tears to weep… What’s the point in going on when all you feel you had is gone?… You’ve failed at all you attempted, you never finished anything… There is really no way to become more of a fucking disappointment. I’m sorry that I embarrass you.. I’m sorry you’re ashamed when I’m around.. I’m sorry I have never and will never accomplish anything significant.. I’m […]
A long time ago I used to count down the days until stupid things like when school would start again, or when I would finally move out of the house. Now that I’m a sort of adult those things are just ridiculous. I count down to something much more important. To the day that I will attempt suicide again and I will succeed. It’s scary that I’m writing this down publicly because it’s been a secret I’ve kept to myself for so long now. I’m not looking for a way out, I’m not looking to change my mind, I’ve tried all that and it’s exhausting, […]
I built a wall, 10 stories high. I built a wall, to guard it all. My feelings, my dreams…my heart. It was guarded nice and snug. Then, you came along and it tumbled after one great bomb. Who were you to come along? Who were you to break these walls? You came charging in and won my heart. You took it in your hands, molded it, then set it ablaze in a fiery pit.
Now, I’m but an empty shell of what used to be. I need no walls or defense. You’ve taken the last piece that was dear to me. I have no hopes or […]
I don’t really know why I am posting this. Perhaps it is just to pass the time or perhaps it is because there is one else I can tell. That doesn’t matter.
I have been bullied my whole life. It really crushed me inside and I started self harming when I was twelve. Despite the fact that the bullying has stopped, my life is still greatly impacted by it. I am incredibly self conscious of how I look, what I say, and even in every miniscule thing I do. I can’t make one little mistake without thinking about it all the time. I can’t even handle […]
So off track, I don’t know how to get back.
I know what is awaiting me.
I’ve done it all before – an impossible task.
I am so alone, yet I have no motivation to open up.
The journey has to end – I can’t live this way.
There are some things I just cannot accept.
I had a whole year to self destruct, and that, I did.
It really is the only way I know how to cope- I don’t have anything else.
I’ve done so much damage to myself.
I walk in silence, barely resembling the person I once was: full of spirit.
I wake every morning needing to die again.
I sometimes have nightmares.
I shouldn’t fight […]
So, I uhm.. fucked up, with a group of friends…
I was chatting with one, and he asked why I was upset. I tried to avoid the topic, I fucking did, but he kept pushing so I finally told him about my depression and how I’m sick and fucking tired of living with it.
He told me “I have no idea what that’s like, but it seems to me that the only way to end it is to be selfish and just end it.”
After he told me that, I just went silent… I went to our friend, and… I told her what he said while I was […]
Keepin’ my eyes on the road this time around
Keepin’ my hands pressed to the wheel
Something so strange as a woman has got me down
Ain’t gonna be your damn fool again
Drivin’ tonight just to ease my mind
A man in his mood is a most dangerous kind
And there was a time my head went blind
Couldn’t see the sign at the time years would go by
Before I wondered who or where or what or why
Lovin’ you was like lovin’ a house on fire
Burning and learning baby when the damage was done
And now I’m tired and I’m […]
Well, the title says it all. When am I gonna learn to NOT try and pursue anything with anyone?
Again. Another day. I hear my two youngest that share my home leave for work. My daughter’s little dog comes into my room after she’s gone to work and cries to at me to be picked up. I do, and she digs under my blankets and falls asleep.
Hour by hour goes by. I fight to stay asleep. Noon comes. Noon gives way to one o’clock. Then it’s two o’clock. I dread the searing pain of getting up. It’s the end of the third week of the month and pain meds are dwindling. Not enough. My bank account is dwindling. I should be up and looking for […]
He’s away right now… So I quickly write my new theory and hopes.. Maybe.. Maybe he’ll get so angry he’ll kill me with his bare hands.. I never thought I’d die by the hands of someone else but myself after the first time but now I’m okay with it all as long as I’m at peace and in a never ending sleep.. Much love
I’m an intrusion and a burden to everyone I have ever knew or anyone I come into contact with… Idk why I get my hopes so high for people to just shit on it all…. It’s not worth it…. Fuck it
Funny how everyone in this world even the ones you think are “close” to you can never read the fake smile… Funny how everyone thinks everything is peachy when really it’s all a living hell!!
(…) So that when the moment comes,
I can say I did it all with love
— Röyksopp & Robyn – Monument
The more I sit here in this dark wrecked place I’ve made for myself I wonder why? Why did things work out like this? Why did everything change? Could I have done more? Should I have done less? Should I have begged and pleaded? Why? Why is this all so crazy? What is all this insanity? I’m going insane? I’m dead I’m dying… Why? Why must I have to keep going on? Why can’t I just be released from all this agony?!?! A thousand tears and nothing left to weep.. Now what? Where do I turn? I have nothing.. No one.. Please… I’m so […]
I’m getting worse mentally. Before I could hold it all in, now I burst into tears whenever I’m alone until I cant breathe and start shaking and feel sick. its so weird and I don’t like it. I get stressed out and scared more than I used to and its all starting to crumble and show on the outside. However I suppose on the good side I have stopped hurting myself. But I don’t know which is better to be honest, coz this shit is messing with me and I’m fed up of it, I’m fed up of being here.
Not sure how to make since of anything.. Between hearing seeing and feeling things I’m unsure are real or not or the strange thoughts and being afraid of it all.. The other day it was pouring rain and the wind shield wipers were on high the water quickly beading and dripping down again all I could see was blood… I wished for it and hoped for it … I’m so tired of holding this feeling in.. Some ppl say it’s all a lie some just think I’m crazy but why? Why is that what I thought of ? Because of the long addiction I had/have […]
Have you ever had the feeling that you’ve been putting something off for so long that the moment you remember, you feel like you have to do it RIGHT NOW before it’s too late? Before the feeling passes and you’re left indifferent once again, you have to do something. Put it in motion. Write it in your calendar.
Well, that’s how I feel about suicide. And that’s why I guess the feeling is so intense when it comes across. Do it or face the consequences. It doesn’t matter if yesterday I felt like all my problems could be solved. It doesn’t matter if I felt like […]
These are the main emotions I’m feeling right now as i desire to take my life away. I am a complete and utter failure and drug addict, I’ve manipulated and lied to those around me and the people who care for me, I really just want someone to kill me, atleast that way I can’t fail at suicide. I’m consistently troubled and shut down to anyone who tries to get close, I’ve failed at school twice, have no money to my name and just am at a lack of words now, I want it all to end now.
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