I don’t know why i’m saying this…

I don’t really know why I am posting this. Perhaps it is just to pass the time or perhaps it is because there is one else I can tell. That doesn’t matter.

I have been bullied my whole life. It really crushed me inside and I started self harming when I was twelve. Despite the fact that the bullying has stopped, my life is still greatly impacted by it. I am incredibly self conscious of how I look, what I say, and even in every miniscule thing I do. I can’t make one little mistake without thinking about it all the time. I can’t even handle someone jokingly making fun of me because I am so terrified of the thought that I might get bullied again.

I started to feel suicidal when I was fourteen. The bullying was at its worst and I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. Death felt like my only way out. My mistake was telling a teacher about these feelings. My parents didn’t even ask if I was okay, they just treated me like I was looking for attention. That made me feel even worse. When I finally got out of that relationship my mum told me that he was a lovely guy and that I was cruel for breaking his heart. I knew that I couldn’t talk to her about anything which led me to bottle up all of my feelings.

Now at sixteen, I am even more excluded from my family. They don’t try to include me in anything they do because my perfect little brother has more in common with them. My friends ignore me outside of school so I feel incredibly alone. Now I feel like the only way to not feel so alone and down all the time is to stop existing. I wish there was a button I could press that would have stopped my parents from conceiving me, but unfortunately no such thing exists. The only way I can achieve what I want is to die because right now a slow agonizing death is better than the life I live.

I don’t know why i’m posting this. I’m sure no one will read it, but this is the only way I can let my feelings out.