Im sad and angry. Very much of both.
I toy with the idea of taking the life of some motherfucking douchbag that doesn’t deserve the life they were born into. But I cannot do it.
It angers me that someone so pure at heart can get the shaft and be born to a broken home and ya ya blah blah blah boo hoo etc, yet some fucking foul piece of shit can have it all; loving family, high metabolism, a perfectly not undersized manhood, opportunity.
God is cruel.
Well, I just bought two 8.9 cu3 party time tanks, tubing and some old O2 lines. I intend to put it all together tonight and give it a try. I believe that I can make it work. I have no one to say good bye too. If anyone out there wouldn’t mind I sure would like to say goodbye to someone. God I am so depressed about this. Itht really is harder then you would think. Going that last bit seems much harder then I anticipated. I am going to do it though, even if I have to cry myself through it. Well, thanks for letting me wine a […]
After so many years, probably 8, I really can’t believe things will get better. The joy I used to have is gone. I just get through my days. I can’t picture how it will ever get better. And it’s not for lack of trying. I try so hard. I keep trying new ways to feel better. Everyone thinks I’ve got it all together. But every day, I think about how much easier it would be to not keep trying. I can’t imagine I could do this life for 40 more years. And I’m well aware that a lot of people have it worse off than […]
So just as the title states, I think life is basically pointless. I actually dug myself into this depressive hole my thinking about life and what the meaning/reason/purpose is. I basically ran through the ideas of waking up every morning to go to school/work/etc. and having to do whatever. Every. single. day. That is all I see of life; waking up to do stuff, reach goals, “accomplish” things, and then face our inevitable demise. Yep. So we basically live to die, how meaningful *note sarcasm*.
A great example of how I see things is like the myth of Sisyphus, in which he was cursed to just […]
I’m 24, sort of successful with my studies I guess, got a bachelors degree in math, admitted to a US university to study math with tuition paid by teaching assistantship, good future and career ahead of me, if I cared for boasting, I would say I have pretty high IQ and stuff… my parents are proud, my sister is proud, my thesis supervisor is proud, my friends are proud.
I don’t care.
we broke up with my now ex-gf almost a year ago after a wonderful seven years. I’m not over it, I doubt I’ll ever will. and while I miss her every night (or someone she […]
My Body is hurting like crazy I hope my pain has a limit because I’m so tired of it all damn muscles spasms n it’s too much pain I have pills but I choose not to take them my spine n back feel like the springs on a slinky going forward I have a few friends I like to chat with n to maybe help me to get better in a way by making me laugh n at times I just don’t know whether I want to just throw in the towel n say I’m done with life it seems I’ve been waiting […]
Stupid, hopeless me. God, please have mercy on me and take me. I hate myself more than I can express with words.
I have made my “Danger, do not enter” suicide signs. I have what I need to carry it out. I am just scared. And I want to make sure that I’m absolutely certain that there’s really zero hope left, because my chosen method spares no survivors as far as I know.
But God do I wish we didn’t have that natural self preservation instinct that makes it all that much harder to carry out.
I have a specific day in mind to perform the last task. It’s perfect really, and essentially the closest day I can do it all on my own. 18th birthday is perfect, And although its 9 months away, I’m determined I’ll do it. The ups and downs I have don’t fool me into hope, cause ive experienced life and what I’ve felt is enough to make a decision. So from now until then my posts will be full of bs. Thank you
Far away from facebook , far away from family , far away from people , far away from reality .. I sit there and cry , with every tear drop I hate him andI hate myself even more .. perhaps because I once gave someone the complete power to destroy me with just words :s
and once he had the chance , he did it .. perhaps I’d cut myself later , or maybe I’ll just end it all … but would that change a thing ? no it won’t .. the pain would only follow me into the other life , and while I keep […]
It’s like some kind of sick movie. I was all ready to go through with my plan tomorrow and be done with it all, but today at work it was like he knew what I was thinking and was trying to save my life. He just kept making me laugh, but that’s easy considering how I am around him. We played around with each other like we were 5 years old, spinning chairs and all. After work he even drove me to my car cause it was parked farther away. I’ve had a crush on him for less than a month, and as crazy as it […]
Like all humans the boy had limits.Limits to what he could do.but also limits to what he could take and after all the time that had passed he finally understood one fact.He would always be alone.the boy had tried harder than most people would have…he tried harder than he should have….he gave up.he was done.he decided to not care anymore.he cut himself off.he showed nothing.that darkness in his heart had once again warped him.his face grew blank.no smiling.no more crying.nothing…he gave in to the lonliness.he kept it all inside.his feelings of pain and resentment and sadness…he decided to close them in his heart and pretend […]
I really do, i feel humans invent these fake ‘gods’ to make us feel like there is some point to it all. Its like that line in that Dylan song ‘All along the watchtower’ : ‘some of us here feel that life is but a joke’ its like ever since i heard that line many years ago i feel it resonate with me.
Its like who cares ‘who’ you are, how much money you make, how much you impress other people at the end of our existence what does it all matter anyway. Who cares if you indulge in certain unhealthy activities, life is short just […]
Quote: “How odd I can have all this inside me and to you it’s just words.” -David Foster Wallace
I constantly try to get to write something down and when I finally do, I delete it all. (How very unsatisfying.)
Just like my life is unsatisfying. (I really want to delete this too.)
I’m scared of posting stuff. (I want nobody I know to know who I am. At least not my name. They wouldn’t know me any more than that.)
Where is the delete button for my life? (I guess there are actually a lot)
(I think I should just delete this all.)
Oh look! Now that I’ve managed to make […]
I have had it with everything.
for all im concerned I have had a pretty good upbringing.
although my mother liked to drink a lot and party and take drugs, she looked after me and my siblings well, that’s what I thought.
everyone els wanted to take me and my brothers and sisters away from her. they got there wish.
and she just started picking herself up and I was going to live with her again.. the only person I trusted, loved, felt safe around… she died a year ago..
since then I have been picked on and bullied.. I have tried suicide a fue […]
I don’t know what i’m doing, i’m trying to find reasons not to die but its becoming exceedingly difficult each day. I don’t feel i’m worth anything to anyone, i know i’m not. I don’t make attachments or really feel anything towards anyone, but there is always this one person it all goes into. Every time i love i’m brought to a grinding halt, reminded why i shouldn’t go there.
I really wish i knew what the point to all this is, everything is just pointless bullshit. What’s the point of living when you’re brain dead? when nothing makes you happy, sad or excited?
I’m trying to […]
Why does this happen to me? Why does this happen to us. I’m tired of the scars uprising, but I cant seem to hide. Love ain’t the answer. Death won’t pick up the phone when I call and all I ask is why me? Do people really care or is it all a show we are supposed to give into? My souls been annihilated & death still won’t take me… Where did I go wrong? Was being born not supposed to be? Is this punishment for my parents mistake? I don’t fucking get it one bit. They gone and everything in my life is gone […]
Around this time last year, things were going so well. Was working towards a job, was feeling positive and got a real pretty girlfriend.
I didn’t really get the job in the end, I felt really shitty, and me being schizo I went on a rampage took it all out on my gf, and lost her too…
I was so fkin heartbroken I vowed to myself I wouldn’t be with anyone else until I had my feet on the ground…
I use to be quite good with women and I kind of just threw it all in the drain on purpose cuz of the break-up and how it […]
My life is a series of fucked up events and people, it’s my own hell. I have been hurt and disappointed so much in my life that I have shut down, I don’t truly trust anyone and I’m emotionally shut off. I was in love once or so I thought, and this past year I lost it all. Family, friends, and the guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It’s over been over and yet I still talk to him, everything I keep doing is stupid. I want to let go to just leave all of this behind. […]
One year ago today I was faced with the most difficult task I’ve ever had to do in my 21 years. With the help of amazing men in my life, I checked myself into the hospital for 8 days where I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2 Depression. Following those days, I began a long road of outpatient therapy. I learned to value myself, to care for others in ways that would no longer hurt me, and to believe in what I have. I made some incredible friends along the way. This adorable kid we call “Ducky” gave me hope when I walked into the […]
I havent drank in a while because it usually ends up very badly for me but tonight, im really needing to just zone out. As I was pulling into my driveway coming back from the liquor store, I saw a wallet in the street. It had a decent amount of cash, some gift cards etc. I could have taken it all and just tossed the wallet in the garbage but, knowing it was the right thing to do, I took it over to the guys house and gave it to him. He was very grateful as most people would be but, unlike how I used […]