That’s how I feel, every day. I hate holidays. I could go run around with the guy I like again, but I’m exhausted. I’ve basically been “partying all weekend” starting on Thursday – the day I had set to kill myself, but at least minute was given the ok to come hang out, and it’s not really my thing to run around like a teenager and party. On the other hand, one of the many things I’ve loved about him is that I feel younger with him. He’s 6 years younger than me, but he has the energy of a teenager and at 37, I […]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA1Xvgauffc
Let me begin to say that my stomach is in knots. Just the thought of killing myself makes me want to throw up, yet all I think about is killing myself. The fact that I will never be happy and “normal” (if you must use that word) again frightens me. I want to get better so badly and yet I am still the same person who won’t ever do well in life, I am always going to be the person I have always been. A monster, a monster is the best way to put it because I scare everyone and my sadness and feelings I […]
My heart needs refuge, my mind needs silence and my hands, my hands always empty, wishing one day they can enjoy the taste of affection.
I watch their hands interlock and I wonder if my hands are too small or too ugly to be held. Always cold, always lonely are the knots in my fingers making it impossible for them to properly fit. Do the deep honest lines cut like razors too close to your skin. I wonder, I wonder about all the moments they’ve spent lifeless and confused.
I place my heart in a jar and my mind just needs medication but […]
I’ve imagined possible suicide methods for quite some time, but I never thought overthinking and looking back would do it. Considering what I’ve gone through, I have no control over it. I’m sorry I’m about to write a lot down.
I was conceived on the day my father forgot to pull out. I was not planned. My older sister needed a friend so my mother kept me. One and a half years after I was born, my parents divorced. Why? My father loved prostitutes and vodka more than his family. After that my mother dated numerous men and married & divorced 2 men before I reached […]
Well where do I start. I havent been on here for a while, mainly because I dont have a computer or for that matter much of anything in life. I just had a lot on my mind today and had to reach out to someone who could understand. Haha I just decided to quit smoking today too but just like everyother time I try to quit some bullshit is popping up and it drives at my fucking skin. anyways this might be a long story but like i said I havent been on here for a while and actualy I thought I was seeing a […]
Do tranquilizers and antidepressants combat constant bad luck occurrences?
As everyone knows that have read my past posts, I have been very depressed and taking antidepressants for quite a few years. For me, suicide has been a security blanket for countless years and has provided somewhat a comfort from some past crappy occurrences that appears to me, to be extremely bad luck. Of course there may be some happenstances that are a result of my poor choices, but I will not admit to that now at this moment. For now it is the cruel cosmos that is to blame for all my unhappiness.
Undesirable things just seem […]
Closed are my tired eyes
Gracefully the tears fall
As i begin to lose it all
I take a shot of whiskey
As my head begins to race
The cigarette is still burning
The sweet smoke is all I can taste
My body is going numb
No longer can i feel my toes
All i can see our my tears
As they fall onto my breast
There are scratches and dried blood
Pretty purpled bruises decorate my chest
Lipstick smeared and hair full of knots
I shove more pills in my mouth
Chasing it with three more shots
My body is beyond broken my mind completely lost
A lesson […]
There are words, tons of words that don’t make sense
There are voices, notes and music in silence
There are memories, lost and cherished, forgotten and found
There are sounds, so many sounds
There are colors, shades and tones in darkness
There is hunger, biting and knawing, completely obsessed
There are scratches and beautiful art between the lines
There are scars in my mind
There are songs on an ordinary day
There is darkness, bitter jealousy bleeding in gray
There are tangled knots in the blue skies
There are scattered pieces in my mind
In my mind
Flowers bloom and never fade or die
In my mind
It […]
i have had three attempts.
!. od on vicodin, got sick, pain for over a week following, think i did permanent liver damage
2. od on ativan/ambien, friend called 911, transport to hospital, don’t remember much, forced to drink charcoal, hospitalized in mental ward
3. strangulation, friend found me, cut tube off my neck, damaged throat & had difficulty swallowing
if i try again i am going to drink a lot of alcohol, take a bottle of of ativan & hang myself from a bridge near my house. i have the rope and i have been practicing tying noose knots. i’m pretty good at it now.